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    “Conflict:  Ask Ken”:  When Your Leadership Can’t Handle Conflict

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    One man, for example, sent out a letter to the elders accusing me of everything that has gone wrong in the church, from declining attendance (it is slightly up) to our budget problems (income has increased each year I have been here). I am also being accused of the resignation of some elders (older men who were tired of the complaints and gossip in the church as well as the letters that stir up trouble). In essence I am being accused of anything and everything.

    I thought my leaders would see the value in a conflict resolution consultation, but I'm sorry to say, they do not. They are concerned with the cost. They are also concerned that bringing someone like yourself would only exasperate the conflict whereas they just want to be done with it. In essence, their solution is to put a band aid on the problems, but I can guarantee you that we will be right back facing the same situation in 6 months to a year. There are a number of members who are tired of this pattern and want it to stop. Do you have any suggestions?

    East of the Mississippi



    Dear East of the Mississippi,

    You are in a difficult position, one I am sure you have been in much prayer over through the years. My response is not directed so much to you as to your board since the ball seems to be in their hands. It is my attempt to convince them to rethink their position. Use the following as you see fit. I hope it will be of some help to you.


    Why the Bar Seems Too High for Some Church Leaders to Ask for Help

    Introduction
    Church conflict can deteriorate to such an unmanageable level, that barring a miracle, a major rupture within the church is inevitable. Calling upon the services of a conflict resolution specialist before the conflict goes beyond the point of no return may be pivotal to the church's health, well-being, and functional survival. So why don't some leaders of a church in conflict avail themselves of the help sanctioned by Jesus (Mat. 5:9)? Here are three answers.

    ?It Costs Too Much?With all due respect, this can't be the real reason. If just two or three families leave the church because they are weary and wounded from conflict, the church will lose more income than the cost of bringing in a church conflict resolution specialist. ?It cost too much? can't be the real reason.

    ?If I Acknowledge Conflict in the Church, It Will Create More?
    ?Better to ignore a backyard hornet's nest than try to remove it and really stir things up.? This is the way some people think about church conflict. But why don't we say the same thing about people in sin? ?Leave her alone. She will steal more clothes at the mall tomorrow if you confront her about the clothes she stole today.? The first and most effective way to deal with reality is to name it. Hence, to acknowledge the existence of conflict in the church doesn't magically create more of it. To the contrary, it is the essential first step toward containing it.

    ?I am Embarrassed to Admit I Really Don't Know What to Do?
    Deep down, this is a core reason why church leaders won't avail themselves of the help of a peacemaker. They are reluctant to acknowledge that they haven't been able to manage the conflict, and that the conflict itself, like a tornado, is moving in a direction of its own making, not theirs. But there is absolutely no shame in such an admission. The real failure is not naming that reality and acting accordingly.

    Keep in mind that in organizational life of any kind, leaders tend to blame those directly engaged in conflict without realizing that their own actions, or lack thereof, contribute to the workings of the entire system. If, out of frustration, leaders act rashly or with a heavy hand to quell conflict, the division quickly deepens. Conversely, inaction or a ?wait and see? attitude is the tinder by which the conflict steadily grows. As Edmund Burke noted, "the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."

    So what should church leaders do? They should take the one step that offers the best chance of resolving the conflict in a manner that preserves the fellowship of the church. They should utilize the services of one trained in helping people make peace! Jesus sanctioned the work of peacemakers by calling them ?blessed.? Church leaders, therefore, have no reason to be embarrassed by allowing their congregation to share in such blessing. Indeed, being open to and following the will of God is what exemplary church leadership is all about!

    Here’s this week’s church conflict management question with Ken Newberger… Dear Ken, I have been pastor of the same church for nearly half a dozen years.  Since I have been here, conflict occurs on a cyclical basis.  Every six to eighteen months a small group of people complain anonymously to our elders even to the point of trying to get people to vote me out. This same antagonistic behavior dates back to at least two of my predecessors…

    Comments

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    1. Art on Thu, October 21, 2004

      Good stuff.  I have thought about bringing in someone to my church to help mediate conflict. Anyone who doesn’t want to help reduce and resolve conflict most likely is the reason for it.

    2. Ken Newberger on Thu, October 21, 2004

      Art, you’re above comment is insightful.  I have often thought, if it is difficult for sinners to come clean and confess “missing the mark,” so is this true of Christian leaders.  Perhaps it is even more difficult.  In the former case, the sinner has an excuse.  “I was without God in the world and didn’t know any better” (Eph. 2:12, 1 Tim.1:13).  But what can a person who has been elevated to Christian office say?  Avoiding embarrassment is a visceral human behavior (Gen. 3).  Your comment, “anyone who doesn’t want to help reduce and resolve conflict most likely is the reason for it” conveys an often missed reality.


      Despite its name, “peacemaking” is not for the fainthearted.  It is for the courageous.  It is the stuff personal maturity and body life transformation is made of. 


      The particular value of a conflict resolution specialist is the ability to provide leaders and others both a safe environment and process whereby such transformation can more readily occur.

    3. FRANK WESTPHAL on Fri, October 22, 2004

      DEAR EAST OF MISSISSIPP,


      I COME FROM EUROPE AND I HAVE SEEN THE SAME


      PATTERN IN THE CHURCH.


      THE BIBLE SAYS: ONLY BY PRIDE COMETH


      CONTENTION AND IN HEBREWS IT SAYS: OBEY THOSE WHO RULE OVER YOU AND BE SUBMISSIVE. THE ELDERS NEED TO LEARN TO SUBMIT BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR LEADER AND GOD SAID SO.


      GOD HAS GIVEN YOU THE ANOINTING TO LEAD THE FLOCK. THE ELDERS SHOULD PRAY MORE AND LET GOD DEAL WITH ANY ISSUES. GOD WILL DEAL WITH YOUR CHURCH AND THE ELDERS.


      WHEN YOU WALK IN THE SPIRIT AND IN HIS LIGHT GOD WILL PROTECT AND DEFEND YOU.


      ONLY PRAY AND SEEK GOD. DO NOT LOOK TO MEN OR MEDIATORS. GOD IS YOUR DEFENDER.


      DO YOU BELIEVE IT ?


      THE BIBLE SAYS: YOU CAN RECEIVE NOTHING UNLESS IT HAS BEEN GRANTED FROM HEAVEN.


      NO MAN CAN VOTE YOU OUT UNLESS GOD GIVES THE OKAY.


      YOU SEEK COUNSEL THIS ALREADY IS AN ACT OF HUMILITY. GOD LOVES YOU VERY MUCH. HE IS YOUR COUNSELOR, SEEK HIM.


      THE ELDERS, THEY ARE NOT A PROBLEM GOD CAN HANDLE THEM. GOD WANTS TO DEAL WITH YOU,


      YOUR LACK OF FAITH, YOUR FEARS AND CONCERNS.


      GIVE IT TO GOD, BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING.


      I LOVE YOU BROTHER AND I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.



      JESUS IS LORD OVER YOUR LITTLE PROBLEMS IT IS JUST ANOTHER TEST FOR YOU.

    4. FRANK WESTPHAL on Fri, October 22, 2004

      DEAR EAST OF MISSISSIPPI,


      THIS IS FRANK WESTPHAL ONE MORE TIME.


      I FORGOT TO ENCOURAGE YOU.


      REMEMBER JESUS, HE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT AND


      OBEYED GOD IN EVERYTHING, BUT WHO CAME AGAINST HIM? THE ELDERS, THOSE WHO THOUGHT THEY KNOW IT ALL, BUT NOT HIS WORD.


      THE BIBLE SAYS: THEY WERE FULL OF ENVY.


      BE COMFORTED THEY CAME AGAINST JESUS, THE PERFECT ONE. NOW THEY COME AGAINST YOU.


      I BELIEVE YOU DO SOMETHING RIGHT AND THE DEVIL DOESN’T LIKE IT. MONEY WAS A BIG ISSUE WITH THE PHARISEE’S AND SCRIBES IN


      JESUS’S TIME. THE MONEY BELONGS TO GOD.


      WHY DON’T PEOPLE ASK GOD FOR INCREASE PEOPLE OR MONEY INSTEAD OF ACCUSING YOU.


      MY CHILDREN KNOW AND I HAVE SIX, THAT THE ACCUSER IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE SATAN.


      SO, WHO IS TALKING THROUGH YOUR ELDERS AND ACCUSING YOU.


      GOD ALREADY KNOWS WHO IT IS.


      CONTACT ME I AM A MINISTER MYSELF, IF YOU LIKE.


      MY E-MAIL [removed]
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      [removed]


      PRAY FOR ME TOO, BECAUSE I AM LOOKING FOR


      A JOB AS SENIOR PASTOR OR ASSOCIATE PASTOR.


      GOD IS FIGHTING YOUR BATTLE DON’T TRY TO DO IT.


      JESUS DIDN’T OPEN HIS MOUTH BEFORE PONTIUS


      PILATE.


      EXCUSE MY ENGLISH I SPEAK BETTER THAN I WRITE. I AM GERMAN AND IN LOVE WITH JESUS.


      GOD BLESS YOU MY PRECIOUS BROTHER.

    5. Al on Mon, October 25, 2004

      I agree with much of what is offered above but I believe there is one more thing which must be done and that is the responsibility of the elders.  They need to let the congregation know they will not entertain any complains which are not processed according to Biblical patterns and which are not signed by the one making the complain.  It is much easier to be critical when you don’t have to give your name.

    6. Victor A. King on Mon, October 25, 2004

      What this pastor is experiencing has been described by Bill Allison as “emotional terrorism”. I experienced something similar in a church I once pastored. It was disheartening. Our dear pastor friend is in a serious situation.


      1 Timothy 5:19 says, “Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses.” The church leaders concerned should obey this Scripture. If the cycle continues long enough, it may lead to the resignation of this pastor.


      This pastor should seek further confirmations if God really wants him in that church. If yes, then he’ll have to hold on to God for divine intervention. God is bigger than any church conflict.

    7. adam zaslavsky on Tue, October 26, 2004

      Once again, Dr. Newberger has hit the nail on directly the head. With balance, clarity and keen insight ,he addresses the underlying reasons many lay-leaders shy away from a qualified professional consultant . I think his point about leaders being unwilling to admit they themselves   can’t adequately deal with the problem is superb. This is excellent advice.

    8. Russ Caldwell on Thu, November 11, 2004

      This is a great topic and one worthy of every leader to educate their church on proper conflict resolution.  If you have limited resources as well as willing bodies you may want to look at the Peacemaking for families series by Focus on The Family.  They also have a great study for kids that would also work great for sermon series, called The Young Peace Maker by shepherd press. http://www.hispeace.org I am not in any way affiliated with this company but the material is excellent.

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