Denomination Votes to Allow Drunken Clergy

Posted on August 31, 2009
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(7) comments

According to the Sacred Sandwich: Hot on the heels of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America’s decision to allow the appointment of non-celibate gays to the clergy, another prominent Christian denomination has decided this week to allow practicing drunkards in the pulpit.

Meeting in Las Vegas, leaders of the Evangelical Lukewarm Christians in Apostasy (ELCA-Not the Lutherans) voted in favor of giving their local congregations the authority to choose ministers or lay leaders who may be in “lifelong, monogamous relationships with alcohol.”

Said the denomination’s president, Ben Halifax, “Since the Lutheran ELCA has courageously decided to ignore the condemnation of homosexuals in 1st Corinthians 6:9-10, we figured it was time for our own denomination to ignore the verses’ reference to drunkards and immediately loosen our outdated and unloving restrictions on boozehounds.”

A motion to also include the acceptance of clerical fornicators, adulterers, idolators, thieves, revilers, and swindlers was tabled until next year’s meeting.

The surprise decision to liberalize the church’s drunkard policy came at the perfect time for the denomination’s small branch in Torrance, California, where popular pastor, Glen Morehouse, had been barred from ministry last year due to his open and committed relationship with Johnnie Walker. With the historic vote, Morehouse can now officially stagger back to the pulpit and still maintain his alternative lifestyle.

His eyes reddened by tears of joy and 80 proof Scotch, Pastor Morehouse commended the ELCA (Not the Lutherans) leadership for allowing him to continue in his Kingdom work. “I jes wanna shay, it was sush a prooouu moam comin’ ta shee thish inna histacle vent… Ya no whaa um sayin’? Uh-oh… I thin’ um gonna thro up…”

You can read more here...

By the way... this story is total satire. I know I will get emails and comments today from people who are outraged at this story. Save your outrage for the real story... what the ELCA did a couple of weeks ago.

Comments

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Matt @ The Church of No People on Mon, August 31, 2009

Love the new look! And it’s awesome that you featured The Sandwich. A couple of my friends go to church with this guy, which I did not know for about a year of being a fan of the site.
Peter Hamm on Mon, August 31, 2009

I think Steven Anderson could use a couple stiff drinks myself…
Gary Fowler on Mon, August 31, 2009

Great piece: you hit all the high points clearly and with creative humor. I’m liking MMI. Keep it up.
And anybody, please: who or what is Sacred Sandwich? I’m thinking I’d like to check it out.
Thanks & blessings!
Heavenly Dawgs on Mon, August 31, 2009

This article made a good point of how the so called Christian Church needs to follow Gods word, not adding to or subtracting from it. Heavenly Dawgs.
David Buckham on Tue, September 01, 2009

I can’t believe anyone would allow…oh, never mind.

You gotta love The Sacred Sandwich. This article is up there with one of my wife and I’s favorite articles from The Landover Baptist Church (satire) on Tampons: Satan’s Little Cotton Fingers.

all about Christ,
David
Kathleen Long on Tue, September 01, 2009

I’m not outraged, just sad. There are plenty of truly funny things to make fun of and find enjoyment in and I am sad this is what you choose. It is hard, it is extremely painful and it is gut-wrenching to those of us in the midst of this decision. I am disappointed you couldn’t find something more productive to find enjoyment in.
A Leadership Development professional, recovering alcoholic, and former Church Council President, ELCA
Josanna Justine on Tue, September 01, 2009

I’m actually glad you posted this. I do not live in America, but our national church denomination (also Lutheran) will be voting on this very thing in the coming year. How ironic that it was the reformers who held scripture as the yardstick for all things. “Sola Scriptura” doesn’t seem to mean much in this discussion. Please, please pray for all the Evangelical Lutheran Denominations. We desperately need it.