Four Types of Friend Every Pastor Needs
- Posted by: Todd
- Posted on: Mon, May 16, 2005
- Viewed 213
- (10) comments so far
Your best friend will always be the person who brings out the very best in you. According to Billy Graham, he wouldn?t have made it as an evangelist if he had to minister alone. Over 53 years ago, Billy Graham met his staff and best friends: Cliff Barrows, George Beverly Shea, and Grady Wilson. These three men protected him, strengthened him, counseled with their wisdom, and corrected him when he needed it. He is convinced that without these friends he would have burned out within a few years after his first groundbreaking crusade in 1949 (Just as I Am: The Autobiography of Billy Graham, pp. 125-129).
Developer friends will bring the gift of encouragement to a pastor?s life and bring out the very best in him.
The Designer
We tend to think of mentors as a personal, hands-on coach. The Latin and Greek define them more as ?advisors? or ?wise men.? Jesus was a master mentor. He ministered to thousands, trained hundreds, equipped twelve, and had an intimate friendship with three men.
The designer mentors us in our marriage, ministry, child-rearing, civic involvement, business acumen, or any area where we need a model. Designer mentors may live near or far, be acquaintances or strangers, or may even be dead. They ?design? our lives through Scripture, books, tapes, articles, or seminars.
The Disturber
We need friends who will shake up our status quo. Disturbers ask us difficult questions, forcing us to take a closer look at motivations and ambitions. Disturbers know when we have retreated into our comfort zones, and they call us out to greater effectiveness. God uses disturbers in our lives to become the object of greater force that breaks inertia and propels us to greater achievement.
A biblical picture of a disturber is in Deuteronomy 32:11. In this passage the mother eagle tears up the soft nest to reveal sharp thorns that bring discomfort to the eaglets. Because of discomfort, the eaglets leave the nest and learn to fly. The mother develops her young by repeatedly pushing them out of the nest and catching them until they become skilled flyers. Eagles were never meant to stay in the nest and neither were we. The disturber pushes us to learn to fly.
The Discerner
In a lifetime of relationships, perhaps only a handful of people are willing to play this vital role because it requires mutual vulnerability. More popularly known as accountability partners, discerners bring the gift of spiritual insight into our lives. They know how to speak the truth in love. They know how to exhort and rebuke, seeking to keep their friend on the right track. They are also vulnerable?the true friends who will walk into the room of your life while everyone else is walking out.
You can read all of Ike's article here at Lifeway.com...
FOR DISCUSSION: How are your friendships? Do you have each of these kind of friends? Are your friendships inside your church or outside your church? Are you happy with the number of good friends you have during this time in your ministry or do you feel isolated? Let's discuss this today here at the blog!
What kind of friends do you have in your ministry? I think there’s always been a debate about friends and relationships between pastors and laypeople: One side would have all of your close personal relationships and friendships come from within your church as they naturally develop. The other camp would say that you really can’t be a pastor and a friend to the same people. Ike Reighard has a great piece he’s written on the four different types of friends every pastor and church staff member needs to have in his/her life. See if you can relate…
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Vernell on Mon, May 16, 2005
I have tried to be that kind of friend to my friends and family. I’ve seen myself function in each of these capacities but its been hard getting that back. I’ve seem to have attracted people into my life who like what I have but very few who give what I need. I’m still believeing God for those types of friends also. Having a friend to call you into accountability is a friend who truly loves you. They in that capacity help to serve as a watchman over you. Not because of position but because they love you. I’d rather have a friend to love me enough to call me into acccountability than one to later look at me and say “I knew it” or “you should have.
Harry Miller on Mon, May 16, 2005
One of the reasons I like this blog is that everyone has an opportunity to speak. God can give his message to the toilet cleaner. How many of your churches do you allow this interaction? This encourages each person to grow and shows that God considers us all valuable when we put our trust in Him. I notice this type of dialog in the assemblies of the New Testament.
Today’s subject is a good one and there are many different administrations, but the same Lord. Jesus is a man of sorrows acquainted with grief and this is my life in this world. Much of it due to my own sin. For example David was forgiven for Uria and Bathsheba, but he also suffered for it. The rest is due to a world that hates Jesus. I am frequently vexed by this world. When I spend time with Jesus, Jesus rejuvenates me with His Word like no human being can. And Jesus sends me out to proclaim His Word to those who are trying to hammer me for following Jesus. But when I stand up in faith for Jesus and speak His Word they are the ones that get hammered. If you can’t see this open to any New Testament verse where they try to hammer Jesus and see what happens. If I am truly married to Jesus this is going to come out.
I live in San Diego and I have been going to churches a long time. God showed me the casualties that were happening because of the church. He did this about the same time that I wanted to be taught by a famous pastor and God said to me that He wanted to teach me and that He knew it better. The pastor would say there is no answer to this question and God would tell me the answer and I would speak it and it would drive people in the church mad. One of the biggest problems in the church was fornication. Marriages were breaking up left and right. God took my face out of the Bible and made me aware of the casualties. I had two home fellowship leaders in my home lose their marriages. The last home fellowship in my home had eight broken marriages. Families that we brought to the fellowship were coming to the church with their marriages and leaving without their marriage. I could go on a long time and talk about leadership and accountability that went only one direction. Their sword was one edged it only cut at me and was not allowed to cut at them. If I didn’t like it I could go somewhere else and I did. I went to Jesus.
Jesus comforted me when no one else would. Jesus gave me revelation to show me what was really going on. I left the incorporated churches to become part of the body of Christ without a mediator or a nicolaitan. I believe those pastors were trying and they were doing what they were told and had been taught but the church was dieing. Jesus was asking me to be obedient to Him and the church wanted me to obedient to them. I went with Jesus and it has been lonely in this world, but God has brought me a beautiful wife to comfort me.
I still go out to preach the word God has given me, but for the most part the people do not want to hear it. You may think that this is crazy, but where will you be when the world outlaws your incorporated church and says you can’t preach against sodomy for it is a hate crime? In many countries the true church is not the incorporated church. To be incorporated for your tax exempt status do you limit what you can preach? Why do you need the world’s incorporation? Has that made you dead? Have you become a hireling for a tax cut?
When I see leadership in the New Testament it is heading for the scars of Jesus. It is not trying to save itself from the cross. I don’t have that type of leadership so I turn to Jesus. If the leaders will not confront the churches and confront the world then we must be light and salt and stand in the gap.
The Gospel that Jesus preached is different than the one I hear today. Jesus Gospel was one of denying self picking up our cross and following Him in faith. How did Jesus pick up His cross? He picked it up by rebuking the hypocrisy in the assemblies. That is why they killed Him. You as a leader are you modeling this? Or are you modeling another Jesus? One that avoids the cross. If you are following Jesus how many congregations have you rebuked? Jesus rebuked many. And if you think your way is better than Jesus’ that is why I don’t want your leadership.
You want to lead fine. Let’s see you follow Jesus. And if you are truly ahead of us in following Jesus led on.
Pete King on Mon, May 16, 2005
Harry, I’ve read your comments and it seems to me you and I share commonality regarding our stand for the Lord. The truth is, “We need people in our lives to meet our needs.” I used to belive that I was an island incapable of need of anyone. However, the older I get the more I realize I really do need the right people in my life to be what God’s wants me to be. People like you and me are viewed as confrontational difficult and blatantly honest. The more I live my life the more I realize people do not want to know the truth, they only want to be told something that compliments their actions. I have found on more than one occasion that my honest answer led me to an all out war. Wondering what went wrong I would respond with, “You asked for my opinion.” Here’s what I’ve learned from my experience. No matter even if you are right how you say things makes all the difference. This I found to be the major problem for people like you and me. We see things black and white based on our moral views we hold to the letter of the law. Unfortunately, as you probable know that “The Law” couldn’t save anyone. For us intentions and convictions must serve in compliment to the person we are trying to help. In other words, we must consider who we are talking to in context to what the issue might be. Part of the issue lies within our passion for changing the wrong that we see happening in our churches. We must not let that passion overlook the complexities revolving around people. Discernment is a must in this situation. We need God to help us to discern when to fight for the cause and when to allow people to learn from their own mistakes. This is where people come into play. We need good friends to be there for us when we miss the call and score for the other team. We need friends when we fight the good fight and lose considerably. We need friends when others judge us for our convictions. I think Vernell said it best when he said,
“I’ve seem to have attracted people into my life who like what I have but very few who give what I need.”
You are very fortunate to have a wife in your life who is there when you face these tough times. Treasure her above everthing else. People like us are for the most part are issolated from the world. We are loved and hated, respected and rejected. It’s difficult being us. There’s no room for pride. We know what really goes on in our heads and at times that can be a very lonely place. As much as we want to accomplish great things for God such as winning thousands to Christ, writing songs sung around the world, disrupting the works of Satan, seeing people healed, lives changed that make the most sceptical believe, and last but not least reach every goal I have set out in life to accomplish I must realize such expectations are astronomically and emotionally overwhelming. LET ME SAY ONE MORE TIME, WE NEED FRIENDS. There is a song the says He’s all I need, He’s all I need. Jesus is all I need. This is without a doubt true, but having friends in your life just makes the journey a little easier. As much as your nature is to fight causes don’t forget the people factor. A true friend will love you inspite of all your creative day dreaming of one day saving the world. For you Harry, that is your wife. She sees the tears others don’t. Being alone is hard but makes a strong follower of Christ. However, I am still not an island and neither are you.
Ben E. on Mon, May 16, 2005
Perhaps another name for the four “types” of friends is “faith-extenders.” Actually, I think that’s the title & topic of a book.
It’s a wonderful and amazing thing to have Godly, Christian friends who’s love support, encouragement and yes, “correction” can counter-balance a multitude of negative people or situations. They are the people God sends to help you go that extra mile and don’t mind it if you sit and rest for while. This also goes for my wife as well!
Another point was brought to me during an interview for a position. The Pastor of this church asked me about my friendships. What type of persons did I develop deeper friendships with. What activities did I get them involved in. Personality traits. Were they introverts, extroverts, intellectuals, outdoorsmen, computer types or mechanics and so forth.
It helped to perhaps give some insight as to the passions and gifts God has “hardwired” into me and clues as to how they are put to use.
DISCLAIMER: I’m not talking about favoritism or developing my own personal cheering section. We are talking about real, lasting friendships. Those that you’d take vacation time to maintain.
Lastly, our Pastor has just resigned. This is the culmination of a week’s miscommunication. It’s not a blow up or anything…at least not yet. I’ve already gone through something like this with guys who have become my closest friends
so I call one. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have a friend to whom you can tell your troubles to and end your email with a stated intent of going to the woods and having beer or six. (this would be a “no-no” in my denom.) He gave no judgement, good advice, sympathy, empathy and recieved the same from me on what he shared. I did have a beer. An A&W;Rootbeer and I feel much better!
God Bless
Ben E.
drbob on Mon, May 16, 2005
I have friends who help me see when my eyes are sometimes skewed by the situation I’m in. I have friends who help me discern whether I am thinking clearly or see the whole picture, to be patient, to see all sides, and to bear with love my weaker brother. I have had those who say they are friends and turn out to be more like Job’s friends “why don’t you curse God and die”, but i have true friends whose words cut deep, but help keep me focussed on bringing glory to God. I thank God that he will use all sorts of ways to speak truth to me. If I am not looking at His word properly, He can use a mule to get my attention.
music man on Mon, May 16, 2005
In 30 years of local church ministry I have never had a really close friend in whom I could confide, share stresses, frustrations and struggles. For some reason, maybe in conversation early on with my co-staff members who had many more years experience than I, I was led to believe that church members did not need to know my hurts, hang-ups, frustrations, struggles, etc. They could use the information against me in the church or community, which, as we all know, could be the kiss of death for our work there. So, friends in the church have been off limits and friends from other churches were a commodity because of the complexity of schedules involving two busy staff ministers.
How do you form friendships with other men in your congregations? Have any of you ever really been successful at it?
Ben E. on Tue, May 17, 2005
Music Man,
The difficulty of developing and maintaining friendships while in the ministry is a topic all it’s own!
FOR STARTERS….
Carefully consider the mindset you’ve had towards developing friendships. You guard your heart too close, no one will want to get very close.
Get involved with a Sunday School or Bible Study class of your peers. (Married w/children or single) Go when you can and make sure you (and your spouse) go to any fellowship events. If they don’t have events, schedule one! Actively seek people who have at least a basic common connection.
NOTE: If you’re married, your wife would probably love to develop friendships also.
Go to lunch with a church member and have a conversation not based on ministry. Talk sports, family, THEIR job, hobbies, etc. Let them get to know that ministers are actual human beings! That might blow their mind!
Go do something! Invite or except the invitation to fish, hunt or (I hate it) golf. Get involved in a men’s outing.
Don’t have one? Create one! A bunch of guys being competitive will bring out a lot of personality in everyone which can help you identify (and BE IDENTIFIED) as someone you’d like to get to know better…. A FRIEND!
Invite someone to get involved in a ministry you are leading. Mentor them. Invest yourself in them and make sure you laugh A LOT! It’s a great witness to show someone that being in the ministry actually can be fun!
That old saying is true: You want a make a friend, then be a friend. Be trustworthy with any confidences shared. Listen and ask questions about their lives. Share your life with him but don’t go “spilling your guts” about the church or whatever! If you discuss church business, do it in the most Christ-like manner possible! It’s a witness to the person and a great teaching moment while at the same time, protecting yourself.
Of course, PRAY! (no duh) Ask God to send you friends then actively get involved in the process. Ask also for His discernment! I’ve also begun friendships that ended up draining me. People WILL try to use you so be careful!
That’s just some basics of how I’ve developed some wonderful friendships and I look forward to the friendships I’m just beginning. God has blessed me and my wife with some great friends and please know that it takes work.
Ben E.
Harry Miller on Tue, May 17, 2005
Dear Peter
I have read and reread, thought and meditated on your comments before the Lord and I would like to respond. There was a time when churchianity appealed to me when I was a baby the nipple of grace is a wonderful thing. But now God has put in my heart the desire for meat and the nipple of milk no longer satisfies. Many today would like to substitute churchianity for obedience in carrying the cross. This can come in many forms. For example instead of carrying the cross we can make it a prayer meeting or sign a petition. We can instead go to Bible study or sign Hallelujah. The disciples ignored the message of the cross and wanted to go on as before, but Jesus said where I go you cannot come. Jesus led and encouraged the disciples to pray to be faithful, but they were sleeping. I see a world dieing without Christ and the devil and his minions working the valleys with charity and encouragement in evil and the church busy with churchianity. The Jerusalem church liked the churchianity peace. When Paul came around they sent him away. They were big givers, but they needed persecution to spread the Word to the lost. They were cowards in the battle. When Paul came back after years of missions they were concerned about doctrine, but when the battle came they disappeared. Doctrine is a stumbling block when it is used in place of the cross. The woman at the well was concentrating on which mountain and Jesus brought her unto Himself. I could get out my Bible and say the mountain is important Jerusalem is the place that God chose. But Jesus says worshipping with Spirit and Truth is more important. There are places where a verse is taken and the application of the verse needs the rest of Holy Scripture to apply it properly. For example the woman taken in adultery. The mercy that was given David to the repentant. You mention the Law. You say the Law couldn’t save anybody. Here is the way I see it from Holy Scripture: “In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God ... and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us and we beheld His glory ...” Here is another: “The Law is a school master to bring us to Christ” I have said this on the blog before the Law is a Marriage Contract. “If you obey My Commandments then I will be your God and you will be my people. ... All that the Lord says we will do.” Now the promise is great, but the fulfillment of that promise is better. When our lives become living epistles through faith instead of dead stone that has no reality in our lives. How much better when the Law becomes flesh and our lives are school masters to bring others to Christ. But once they have Christ they no longer need a school master anymore. You mentioned singing songs for God. I like singing songs for God. One of my favorites in my old fellowship went “Haa aa lle le luyah. Sing it unto Jee sus. Haa aa lle luyah ... turn the lights on” You know it maybe comfortable singing in the darkness, but God wants to turn the lights on. He wants us to worship Him out in the open in the Holy courts of the Temple drinking from the cup of Jesus (martyrdom) and honoring our vows in the midst of all his people (Psalm 116). That is a marriage song and that is what I am into now. I want to fulfill my vows. I want to be faithful to the marriage. Jesus said My brethren are those that hear the Word of God and do it. That is where Jesus fellowship was. Paul said “I desire to know nothing else but Jesus Christ and Him crucified.” Paul said “follow me as I follow Christ.” Paul said “I am crucified with Christ nevertheless it is not I who live but Christ that lives in me and the life I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Now that is the passion of Jesus alive in Paul. That is the passion of Jesus that is turning the world upside down. The cross was not something to avoid for Paul, but a place of victory. A place where Jesus lives in us through the marriage of faith and defeats the devil. When I look at Paul I see Jesus. When I look at the fruit coming from Paul’s ministry I see the fruit of Jesus. Paul is behaving like Jesus and the fruit is behaving like Jesus. After one message Paul would leave town and the fruit would be willing to die for it. Talk about being weaned. The whole city turning upside down for Christ with one message. I don’t see that fruit in the fellowships in San Diego and I don’t want to settle for less. I want friends with the scars. Friends that aren’t talking, but living the cross that will encourage me to be all that I can be in Christ. Stop the rhetoric let’s see the demonstration. I am looking in a mirror, but it also applies to you. You say dream. I would rather say vision. For the Holy Scripture says “the young men shall see visions ...” and “Without a vision the people perish.” You say we are not islands. I have been in this state now for two years or so. Here is what I see or has been revealed to me. I don’t have perfect sight. “We all see though a glass darkly, but then face to Face.” You say island. I say ark and that ark is Christ. The Holy Scriptures say “as in the days of Noah so shall it is when the sun of man comes.” Noah was a preacher. Other than Noah’s family how many from Noah’s church got on that ark? Answer nobody. Another Holy Scripture tells us it will be like sodom. Lot lost his wife, some of his children, his servants. How many people from lots church (i.e. Lot calls them brethren) made it out? Answer nobody. I would like to be in the company of men like Abraham: men who carried their cross and the whole company makes it. Let us look at the New Testament. Paul came to the point where he said the only one that stayed with him is Timothy. When Paul headed toward Jerusalem and was ready to die the church tried to talk him out of it, but the ended with thy will be done. Paul’s martyrdom was at Rome where this city became a tremendous place for the passion of Christ. Such boldness, such sacrifice, such torture, such patience (250 years) and western civilization is turned upside down. You mentioned my wife. Jesus said remember Lot’s wife. The Bible tells us that in the last days there will be a great falling away from the faith. The Bible also tells us that in the tribulation that the saints clothed in the blood of the Lamb overcame the devil “with the blood of the Lamb, the word of their testimony and that they loved not their lives until the death.” The Bible says when the Lord comes blessed is the man that feeds meat to his household in due season. In summary I talked about two cities: Jerusalem and Rome. Jerusalem was on the defensive hiding and was martyred there. Rome was on the offensive and was martyred there. The Jerusalem church died, but the Rome church went on. They Bible tells us not to boast against the branches for as God was able to cut off the Jewish branch and graft in the gentile branch. Our blessing will continue if we our faith continues there in. But if we do not continue in faith then God is able to cut us off and graft in the Jewish branch again. The remnant of the Jewish people make a courageous martyrdom stand against the world in the last days and inherits the gentiles, but before this happens the darkest hour comes before the dawn.
Now let’s talk about the battle. First of all this needs to be God lead and not with presumption. Churchanity is for babes and the women, but when they mature they take on the character of the man and that character is Christ. Christ went on offense and went to the synagogues to preach and took his disciples with Him. This model was followed in the book of Acts. They were kicked out and preached to the gentiles and sometimes went to jail. Be ready for this. The Bible tells us to walk in Jesus steps and we are to love another as Jesus loved us.
How can two walk together unless they agree?
I have visited and shared at eight synagogues and preached in Jerusalem and I am still alive and I have not gone to jail. I have not turned the world upside down either and I am sure my passion paled in comparison to our Lord’s passion or Paul’s passion in preaching. When I got to Jerusalem I met a missionary who told me of a crazy man that shared his faith and died at the wall. To me he was not a crazy man (the missionary was dead). The saint honored his vows (Psalm 116) when the church was dead.
Your brother in Christ,
Harry
Josue on Thu, May 19, 2005
“Friends wanted”
I’d be happy if I had just one of these types of friends. My best friend lives in Spain, and the other 2 or 3 good friends live in the east coast. The rest are acquaintances…
It’s just difficult to develop good friendships when everyone looks at you as “the” pastor. But oh man, I miss having a real friend…
Bishop K.D. on Sat, May 21, 2005
Praise God and Peace unto all
Hi I have read the comments but I am not wanting to comment on the comments.My comment is about a friend is that the one and only true friend is Jesus and momma.Its a shame that people claim to be Christians and only want recognition for themselves inside the church and won’t recognize you,and on the outside they are beckoning your door.Then too, you only see them when they need you and when you need them they say come back some other time.Thats not a Chrisitian and nor is it Jesus.A friend will love you no matter what
and be there for you too,not wanting to know your business so they can kill you with their mouth.I am my bothers keeper and I do love everyone and I try to keep my hands in Jesus and my ticket is not stamped for hell.God bless you and thanks for the space.
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