Monday Morning Insights

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    I Sure Don’t Feel Like a Pastor Today…

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    Trying to minister to young people, keep sponsors and parents happy, develop meaning in people’s lives, maintaining a certain “approval rating” is a challenge enough most days.  Add to that finding enough cash to fill the gas tank, getting stuck on an icy driveway for an hour, digging a body out from under the flu, attending an annual general meeting. And it get even more hectic.  Then signing off on a ministry review, having sick kids and a sick wife at home in between all that and it’s a struggle just to breathe in the middle of my own illness.  On top of ALL this - there’s a sense of overwhelming burden for unsaved family, watching those I think are less godly prosper and today is downright depressing.  And I have to admit - I am depressed today.

    One of my pastoral colleagues whom I trust implicitly has told me that maybe we are missing the boat if we don’t get depressed occasionally.  He cites Luther - who sometimes didn’t have the energy to get out of bed he was so depressed.  He also mention Spurgeon and Elijah and more!  (Come to think of it he may be a bit too much of an expert on depressed church fathers!) I have to say today I am Spurgeon without eloquence - and feel like being a Luther and not getting out of bed tomorrow!

    IF that happened in today’s churches though - we’d be outta there!  Most of our boards would tell us to get psychiatric help or find a different vocation.  As a church leader, I am not allowed the luxury of depression, sadness, or a weighed down spirit.  Most of us aren’t.  Since when did being a leader come to mean we aren’t allowed to be human?  If Christ wasn’t depressed inthe Garden of Gethsemane - what was he?  If he wasn’t depressed when He asked his disciples “are you leaving too?” - then what mood WAS he in?

    I’m tired of the deification of Pastors in general.  Peter, the first leader of the church needed correction.  Why is it we can’t let our Pastors really lead by example?  Why do they have to be perfect, never grieving, never melancholy, never struggling with how to pay the bills - generally never honest with their feelings.  I thought the whole “authenticity” movement was supposed to help with that.  But it seems we can only be authentic with emotions regarding others’ salvation not our own feelings.

    Too many Youth Pastors make foolish mistakes - I grant that.  But why is it we only last 1 year on average?  I wonder if some of it is - we’re tired of trying to be all things to all people.  WE know we can’t please everyone and stop trying.  We get burned out - emotionally spent.  I think we get depressed - but we can’t be honest about it.  When that happens pieces of our faith die inside us.  We can’t reach out for the same help we offer our students lest we become poor role models.  (As if showing others how to reach out by example is a bad thing!)

    I do know - I WILL get out of bed tomorrow - although, for today, I can’t see a reason why.  But you know - I’d sure like to hear from a lot of you what it is that keeps you getting out of bed!

    Michael Kowalson has been married for twelve years and is the father of four daughters.  Currently, Michael is the Youth Pastor of The Nelson/Balfour/Junction Covenant Church in British Columbia, Canada. 

    Somehow I’m supposed to have all the answers. I know that’s not entirely true but it sure feels that way! Today even th most basic answers are eluding me. We all have days where we feel like things don’t go right. I gotta say - it feels like I’ve had a few too many weeks of it. Somehow I don’t think I have the energy to be Job this week! Mind you my children are still here and my wife is not saying curse God and die so I’m better off. But I sure feel faithless.

    Comments

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    1. Ryan on Tue, January 30, 2007

      Ministry can be very emotionally hard.  I certainly can identify with many of Michaels’ comments.  Sometimes church leaders can be so mean to their pastors. I am not sure if I would have lasted had it not been a very clear sense of God’s call in my life.  Without it, I may not have even made it through seminary.   The thing that get’s me out of bed is knowing that this is God’s will for me.  It is calling that keeps us here and sustains us.  Without it, perhaps we should not be serving as pastors.   This has enabled me to put up with abuse, and all the ridiculous expectations and demands that sometimes come with ministry. 


      That said, I too am tired of deacon possessed churches with people who act like their main ministry role is to keep the pastor(s) accountalble and evaluate their effectiveness.

    2. Camey on Tue, January 30, 2007

      Michael,


      This really struck me today especially. Sunday I was confronted by a few people who told me I didn’t have my usual “whatever” about me. “What’s the matter?” kept being asked every time I turned around it seemed. It is safe to say - I was completely bummed out and still kind of am. A couple of people said they didn’t know how to take me not being in a good mood. Apparently really brought them down as well. Ugggh.


      What keeps me getting out of bed? Even with all the challenges that I face on a daily basis - they simply don’t compare to some that others face or that I have faced before. I praise God every single morning that I am His servant even though at times the cost seems almost unbearable. Christ died for me. His grace, mercy, compassion, and etc are unending even when at times mine wants to. I simply have to rely upon His strength.


      I told someone yesterday that I was bummed out right now and why. Their response to me was spot-on. “There are times when being bummed out is more legit than others. Yours is beyond that.” Then, I got busy with being who I am right now. Kind of like “bummed out with a purpose.”


      I’m sorry you don’t feel like a pastor today. Curl up in His arms and cry. When He says to get up and get busy - do it. There are times when not feeling like being “.......” is the best time to be just that. Why? We’re not relying on our own abilities to do so. My most dangerous statement I can utter, “I can do THAT with my eyes closed.”


      There are also times when we simply must get refreshed so that we can then have something to pour out into others. It is a fine balancing act.


      With prayers,


      Camey

    3. Peter Hamm on Tue, January 30, 2007

      The people who really get the mission and vision of our church… I get out of bed for them.


      The people who really tick me off because they want to hear only the old hymns… I get out of bed despite them.


      The people who have no idea what this Jesus stuff is about… I get out of bed mostly for them.


      The people who want me to be all things to all men… I try to ignore them mostly


      The people who believe but don’t have it all together yet… I get out of bed for them, and when they grow they energize me.


      The people who are legalistic and narrow-minded… We all recommend the church down the street to them…

    4. Matt on Fri, June 05, 2009

      So what about when you can’t get refreshed? What if this is a weekly deal? You get depressed, get over it, then get more depressed the next week?


      What if everyone in the ministry is working less nights than you are and are getting paid better?


      What if you can’t help thinking about giving up?


      I have grown our youth ministry to the largest in our city and all I want to do is quit…  How do I stop it? How do I hold on? How do I not take in the bitterness when I am SO unapriciated?!


      Am I really doing God’s will when my wife and child are worried about the bills and if they are going to have time with me??? - I could just use some advice from anyone.


      Please email me if you can. Thank you. - Depressed Youth Pastor

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