Responding on Monday to the Notes People Write You on Sunday
- Posted by: Todd
- Posted on: Tue, April 17, 2007
- Viewed 225
- (23) comments so far
Bereans
These are people who have legitimate questions about how I treated the Bible during the services. The “Berean” notes I get are people who have dug into the Word and come to a different conclusion than I did. These notes have a positive, respectful tone and I love dialoging with people like this. Many times, we will end up agreeing to disagree but will have an even greater respect for each other because of the tone of the exchange.
I love answering Bereans.
Encouragers
These are quick little notes encouraging me regarding the service. I get a few of these every week. Someone was touched by something I shared and wanted me to know. Often, it was an “aha” moment they had in their walk with Jesus. When I get these notes, I am always blown away that God is using me. He is obviously a great God if he can use me through all of my failings.
I love reading notes from Encouragers.
Cowards
These people find something nit picky they don’t like in me or my delivery or my message. Perhaps it’s a word I used that they don’t like, or an illustration they thought was inappropriate, or maybe they disagree with me on a gray area. Whatever their message, the strategies remain the same. Here are a few:
1) Anonymous notes. Recently someone wrote a letter “to the church,” (even though it was specifically about me) and mailed it without signing it. I read it and promptly threw it away. It carried zero weight. It was a gray area they had issue with but they were too cowardly to have a conversation with me, so we will never be able to talk about it. It’s a shame--I think we could have learned something from each other.
2) Hateful notes. These are attacking / offensive notes when people write what they would never say to my face. Often it is something disparaging my character or my faith. I usually respond politely once and if their tone does not change, I ignore any more notes I get from them.
3) Gossipy notes. This is when someone contacts me to tell me his or her “friend is upset.” My response is always the same, “What did they say to you when you reproved them for gossiping and asked them to talk directly to me?”
4) Symbolic Gestures. I once taught on money and someone ripped up a check into tiny pieces and threw it in the offering basket.
As pastors, what should we do with cowards? Ignore them. The thing about Cowards is that they could so easily be Bereans--it’s all about tone and respect. Until they see that, they won’t be teachable enough to hear you.
For everyone reading this who is not a pastor, may I ask a favor?
Please, be Bereans. If you have a concern/disagreement, bring it directly to your pastor. Don’t gossip, don’t be hateful, don’t be a coward; and by all means, be respectful. I have made good friends with people who started out as dissenters. Some of my biggest supporters started out as critics. Now, we will both defend each other to the death. We may still disagree, but we love each other. That’s Christian unity.
About the Author: Noel Heikkinen is a husband of one and a father of four. With the rest of his time, he is a pastor at Riverview Church (http://www.eriv.net) in the East Lansing, Michigan area, as well as a blogger (http://www.noelheikkinen.com) a podcaster (http://www.dailyjeezit.com) and a 24 addict.
FOR DISCUSSION: How do you deal with notes? What’s the absolute worst note that you’ve received? Was it signed? How did you deal with it?
Noel Heikkinen writes, "I look forward to and dread Mondays at the same time because on Mondays, I read feedback from our church’s weekend services. The notes I receive can be divided into three categories..."
Comments
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Peter Hamm on Tue, April 17, 2007
anonymous ocmment cards or notes go right into the shredder. We read one once and it gave us some insight, but the fact is, if they won’t say who they are, what they have to say is moot.
I love encouragers, but I think I might love Bereans even more! And I tell them so, right to their face.
I had a GREAT lady get in my face a few weeks back because the sound was too loud. I wear in-ear monitors and simply can’t tell how good or bad the sound is when I have them in. She wrote a comment card, but came to me directly (between services) before I read it. Her tone was a little rough but I know her well, so it was okay. I PROFUSELY thanked her for her feedback, and it was indeed an issue that I felt we needed to address. I asked her between services the next week how we were doing, she said much better and apologized for the way she came across. (She feels she really has to work on her “tone” with people on stuff like this.) I told her no apology was necessary AND told her that if she wanted to know there was someone she didn’t have to “check her tone with” it was me. That I was a big boy, and I can take it.
She probably now considers me someone she can come to freely with comments and concerns because I worked REALLY hard (along with one of the other pastors here) to be receptive and engaging with this.
If it had been an anonymous comment card or letter we would have shredded it…
Be a Berean!
nora on Tue, April 17, 2007
I have to say that, while that symbolic gesture you spoke of probably didn’t amuse you at the time, it kind of caused me to giggle. At least it required more creativity than an anonymous note ..........
Noel Heikkinen on Tue, April 17, 2007
Looking back, it’s kinda funny, but you’re right. At the time, it wasn’t so amusing.
Leonard on Tue, April 17, 2007
I realize that I am neither as good or bad as people say I am. Good reports that make me seem like I can walk on water (I can barley swim most of the time) are usually not as true as I would like them to be. Kind of like my dog, I know I am not as good as my dog think I am but is sure nice to have someone always glad to see me.
I am also not as bad as some people think I am. I do not have a defense mechanism internally for criticism so it runs straight through to my soul, I keep it this way on purpose so I can remain teachable in spirit. However it also means I never read my criticisms alone. I always have someone with thicker skin and a desire to protect me form unnecessary huts read negative comments too.
I never let negative junk sit. God places a premium on healthy relationships and so I try to follow Romans 12:18 ...as much as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.
Then when I am with other pastors we vent and cuss…I’m just kidding…or am I…Yea…Or… Insert the winking smiley face here.
Noel Heikkinen on Tue, April 17, 2007
Like Public Enemy said, “Don’t believe the Hype.”
Both the positive and negative hype.
Al on Tue, April 17, 2007
Leonard,
I think you misspoke brother! It should read “ I am not as bad as people say and more good then they think!”
It’s like the two service problem – Jokes usually go over great in the early service, but that later service! WOW talk about a group of grumps! Never read anything from them http://www.mondaymorninginsight.com/images/smileys/grin.gif
Al
Dave on Tue, April 17, 2007
I think I would have tried to assemble the little pieces of check, taped them together and send them back to the individual (after all, the name is usually on there) with a note saying, “Did you lose this?”
Dave
Jan on Tue, April 17, 2007
We tend to ignore just about all letters that are confrontive. Scripture says to go to your brother, not write. So, we just go and deal. This seems to take writers aback. It’s not what they want so they hesitate to do it again. And if you can’t sign your name, into the circular file it goes.
For me, the ones that really irritate aren’t the Monday writers, but the Monday callers. We have a few who thinks it’s great to call early in the morning to chat about the previous day’s happenings.
Fr. Ernesto on Mon, July 23, 2007
With regard to the note about “not having to check your tone.” Our church would think it more important to teach respectful address (and not just to the pastor). I think that it is precisely the “freedom” people now feel to “get in your face” that leads to too many of the confrontations we see today. And, no, I do not think that permitting that behavior in the name of openness and evangelism and growth in holiness is appropriate. Note that I would not hold a person outside the church to the same level of expected behavior. (And, yes, I suppose I am a grumpy old pastor, grin.)
Alison on Mon, July 23, 2007
I, too, received a confrontational, unsigned letter about 5 years ago. The writer said they were sending a copy to the senior pastor, as well. Guess what? The senior pastor never got his copy, at least not from the author. I would just say that I have to agree - if it’s not signed - it’s not worth your time and energy. My letter was easy to disregard, as I am the music pastor and this person was disagreeing about musical style. My time and energy is best used by serving God and the people who truly wish to worship.
John Harvey on Mon, July 23, 2007
The hard part for me is that the unsigned notes frustrate and anger me. I spend energy simply being upset about something I cannot control because I cannot go to a person and talk about it. Instead it only causes resentment and frustration that is hard for me to shake.
Dan on Mon, July 23, 2007
When asked why Billy Graham doesn’t respond to critics, his associate, Grady Wilson said, “If you wrestle with a skunk, even if you win, you lose.”
Holly on Mon, July 23, 2007
My husband is an associate pastor. Recently we received several anonymous letters, making very crude and false allegations about me. We ignored the first one, but then they went to the other staff and their wives, along with many deacons. There were threats to stand and “tell all about my sins” in front of the entire congregation. Given the nature of the letters, we decided to confront. Our pastor sent out a letter as well to the members stating that this was not being done in a biblical manner and that it should stop immediately, that this person should come to us personally. Well, it got worse. The letters were no longer being mailed, but hand delivered to our doorstep. It was frightening to say the least. So, my husband and I decided to address this personally. While we would have preferred to do so in a one on one setting, we couldn’t. So, we stood after the service on a Sunday morning and shared from our hearts. One thing we made clear was that we were forgiving this person, and that we would no longer be opening any letter that we received that looked like the others (same type, same envelope, no return address, etc etc). We had asked the other staff and deacons to do the same, and they agreed. About a week after we stood and talked openly and honestly about this, our pastor received one final letter. It was more heart-breaking than any of the others. It stated that they were sorry, that they had made up everything (we knew that!), and that they did not deserve the forgiveness that we offered. But the worst part was that they stated that they had asked God to forgive, but “didn’t expect it to come”. How sad is that?? This person is sitting in our church week after week and doesn’t get that God forgives FREELY! It has all been an amazing journey for our entire church now, learning about how to act our forgiveness and not just talk about it. We have learned the true meaning of Grace, and it’s beautiful. I hated going through those 2 months, but the lessons learned were worth every nasty word written about me. My prayer is that this person will really get it themselves.. you know, in the depths of his or her heart, that God’s love is not something we earn. It’s something we are given, full and free.
I tell all of this to say that it is true that “ALL things work together for good…”. I never would have thought it possible for this to be good, but the change it has brought abotu among our church body is truly amazing!
Blessings on ya’ll today!
Holly
Chad Dvoracek on Mon, July 23, 2007
At my last church the Senior Pastor never opened the mail. Even if addressed only to him. The mail was opened by the secretary and imediately thrown away if it didn’t have a name or if it was a serious deal then it was given to a board member. There were guidelines on which letters went to the Senior Pastor and which went to an associate. Great idea.
I love that comment about “So what did they say when you told them not to gossip and they should talk to me themselves?” That is great. I don’t get as many letters, email these days but so often it says, a person, I can’t say who…or me and a lot of other people feel this way but I can’t tell you who they are. We have a “no witness protection policy” at our church, nor does the “informant” stay anonymous either, this has really given me a lot more time to focus on other stuff instead of spending hours with those that gossip and suck the life and energy out of you. It’s a real person with a real issue or we don’t address it. The first thing I say is who is it, or who did you hear this from. This does not apply to issues like child abuse, verbal abuse and things like that of course.
Chad
ChurchRevite.com
Pastor Chris on Mon, July 23, 2007
I hate getting anonymous notes, too, and I also throw them out and every once in a while we write the congregation about the need (and the ways) to give feedback in a healthy way. However, I do have the sense that I’m supposed to be trying to love even those who persecute me, and therefore I try to think of these folks as frightened, shy, or angry, rather than “cowards”. Calling a person a coward, even in my head, is not a loving thing to do and doesn’t help me to keep my heart open to them and their unhealthy ways.
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