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    Should Pastors Have Close Friends in the Church?

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    I pastor a flock of 80 members, and my best friend is on my deacon board. My wife and his wife are also good friends. I don't let it interfer with decisions or do I flaunt it, but still others seem to be upset with it. A pastor can not be friends with every member of the church, but should they not have any?  I think having friends in the church helps with the accountability. The pastor is more than just a leader, he needs encouragement and advise and should be able to rely on his flock. Maybe if this pastor had friends within the church, he would have not failed.

    FOR DISCUSSION:  What's your practice?  Do you cultivate close friendships within your church, or do you try to keep friendships out of the church.  (I know what I've done in the past, but am interested to hear what you think).  What are the pluses/minuses of each approach?












    I received an email yesterday from a pastor who asked a good question.  I’ve heard both sides of this story, and wondered what you thought.  Here’s the email… Todd, you brought something up in a recent blog, >that I am dealing with right now. The point was that this pastor had no close friends in the church. The question is should a pastor have a close or a best friend from the church or from the board? 

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    1. matt on Wed, September 14, 2005

      The answer depends, I think, on one’s perception of the church.  If it is a religous institution what requires “priesly” and professional care and leadership, then I think the response is that a pastor should have his closest relationships outside of the church.


      If, however, the local church is a community of people living out kingdom realities in our day, then I think there is much to be gained by authentic, meaningful, transparent relationships for a pastor within his/her church.


      I experienced soul-mate friendships within my first church.  I was on staff and it was a larger church.  I am not the lead pastor at a smaller church.  Though it hasn’t happened yet, I pray that God will nurture those same kinds of friendships within the worshipping community that I lead.  It makes me a better leader, Christ-follower, husband, father…yup…authentic relationships are powerful.

      I think a pastor needs to smoke what he’s sellin’…

       

    2. James Farrer on Wed, September 14, 2005

      Look at the bible. Were the leaders of NT churches separate from their flocks? The way Paul writes, seems like they were all friends to me.


      Of course the Pastor should have friends.

    3. Rev. Bryan Simpson on Wed, September 14, 2005

      Since coming to my current church my family has been involved in a weekly small group with church members. It has become an important part of our life, we never miss; and it is also meaningful for my wife. In addition we’ve formed other close friendships and those have been a lifeline. Its hard to develop friendships outside of our church family because so much of my time and energy is consumed by the church. Friendships are built on the bond of common experience and that’s hard enough inside the church much less outside. I can understand that other people might be jealous or envious. especially in a small church. I do wind up spending a lot more time with certain people.

      I’m fairly clear about my confidences. I’m very open about my own personal spiritual struggles. But there are some things that I just would never share with people in my own church. I think that a friend that is outside of my fishbowl would be a welcome gift.

       

    4. Perry on Wed, September 14, 2005

      Some of my very best friends are in the church, and I have a feeling it will always be that way.  As believers in Christ we are called to do life together…and that means for everyone of us to be willing to love and be hurt. 


      As a pastor I feel it is my obligation to model community for the church.  I cannot imagine not being connected with the people who attend every week. 

      There is no way I can know everyone…I don’t think a pastor should make that his or her goal; however, I do feel that we must open ourselves up to relationships. 


      Just my two cents.  http://www.mondaymorninginsight.com/images/smileys/grin.gif

       

    5. Shawn Wood on Wed, September 14, 2005

      I think that this is a bit of a commentary on how some pastors look at a church as a temporary placement in a job…I plan on being at Seacoast my entire life - seriously - and I cant imagine not having friends both on staff and oput of our small group.  My best friends in the world are in our small group…they know me as well as anyone except my wife - cant imagine it any other way….

    6. Chris on Wed, September 14, 2005

      Not only would I say pastors may have friends in the church. I would say it is imperative. Pastoral ministry is a unique calling in which the pastor’s professional, spiritual, emotional, and social life are tied up in one vehicle - the church he pastors. (This is, by the way, why I believe so many pastors today are so insecure… their identity is found in the identity of their church rather than who they are in Christ).

      If the pastor doesn’t have friends within his church, he is failing to be a part of the community he hopes to build. That is a recipe for disaster.


      It’s also imperative for pastors to have friends outside the church who can be an objective sounding board, and accountability partner with whom the pastor can completely let his guard down.


      I don’t know about you guys, but there’s a part of me that has to be “on” when I’m at church. Not fake, mind you, but on top of the game as much as possible. It has been very important for me to have friends outside the church as well as those inside, to give me an opportunity to be just a friend without being a pastor too.

    7. BeHim on Wed, September 14, 2005

      What would Scripture say about this?


      Do you think Peter, John, James, Timothy, Paul had friends?


      You know, I have met and been around many pastors over the last 12 years and I must say, the trend to NOT have friends is getting worse.


      The question is, why wouldn’t you want friends?  What do you NOT want them to know or see?

      Scripture is clear, friendships without God are carnal and God centered friendships are eternally growing.


      My friends may you grow in grace and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ.

       

    8. Peter Hamm on Thu, September 15, 2005

      Matt says… “If, however, the local church is a community of people living out kingdom realities in our day, then I think there is much to be gained by authentic, meaningful, transparent relationships for a pastor within his/her church.”


      I would say if the local church isn’t trying to be that community, then it isn’t a Biblically functioning church…

      ...that said, I think it’s probably NOT a good thing for a pastor’s circle to be entirely composed of fellow leaders. You’ll be out of touch that way. Paul was SO in touch with the congregations he wrote to, I’m sure he knew this.

       

    9. Pastor David Lester on Mon, September 19, 2005

      Having friends in the church is ok. But there can be an area when this becomes a problem.


      I know. I came from a situation where the pastor used his friends to press his agenda and to keep ‘stroked’ so-to-speak.


      There is a fine line of being friends to using the advantage in the wrong way.

      If you can’t find one in the church do the best in finding a pastor in your community or in another church of your own denomination. I think this could eliminate some sticky situations later.

       

    10. Randy on Mon, September 19, 2005

      Of course we need close friends and accountability in the local church. They must be same sex relationships. These things are scriptural. If we look at David and Jonathans lives that is a good example. Not having friends and accountability is one of the reasons many pastors do not survive very long in ministry.

    11. Vicki on Mon, September 19, 2005

      There are pluses, as well as minuses, in the issues of pastors and close friends in the church.  It is hard to survive without close friends, someone to talk with, share with, confide in.  Sometimes it takes more than talking to your spouse.  This doesn’t mean you break confidentiality, but that you have someone that will just take you out for coffee when they can sense you are stressed or you can call and say “Let’s go fishing tomorrow”.  This gives the pastor a sense of feeling “accepted” and they all need that.  That’s a plus.  On the down side, pastors are hurt many times because someone they counted on to be their friend in the church, for whatever reason, walks away.  Losing a friend in the church is oft times worse than just losing a personal friend.  The hurt is deeper.  I don’t know why, but I know from personal experience, it is true.  I have lost, or lost touch with, many “friends”, but the ones that have turned their back on me in the church are the ones that stick to the forefront of my mind.  So my thought is, you need them…but beware…

    12. Sgillesp on Mon, September 19, 2005

      This is a topic that gets a lot of attention in our pastoral development classes.  Perhaps we should define our terms.  Of course we should be friendly with our congregants, and there will always be some people whose company we enjoy more than the company of others, with whom we have a better connection.


      But when some people in the church have the “ear” of the pastor (or they are perceived that way), when some people in the church are given the impression that they have a different relationship with the pastor than others do, it creates problems that the pastors and leaders may not be aware of, which are not good for the growth of either the “friends” or the “others.” 

      Pastors need to have their close friendships outside the church, and to practice appropriate boundaries within the church.  It’s not about “professionalism”—it’s about taking appropriate responsibility for the care of souls.  If you are the pastor you have a unique role and yes, you do exercise power, whether or not you want to think about it that way.  Self-control is absolutely called for so that no one is excluded or unfairly seen as being elevated, so that you can have an accurate view of what’s going on in the church, and so you can be alert to God’s direction with regard to the needs of anyone in the congregation.

       

    13. Tom Riggs on Mon, September 19, 2005

      Having been a pastor of a small church that had developed close friends within the congregation I relize now that if I had to do it all over again I would have not been as close to some people, your heart won’t be broken as easily that way!

    14. David on Mon, September 19, 2005

      One of the biggest problems facing the church today is the disconnect between the pulpit and the congregation. Jesus, the model for all pastors, cared deeply for the needs of everyone he came into contact with, but he clearly had more intimate relationships with some(Lazarus, John, Peter) than others. The crucial thing was that Jesus was not preferential in his treatment of people, he didn’t keep anyone at arms length.


          We seem to forget that pastors and priests are human too. Their God given tastes and preferences are no less real or valid than those of the flock they have been charged with shepherding, and they will naturally be more drawn to certain people and personalities than others.


          Leaders must be accountable to the body for their professional conduct, the way they execute the responsibilities of the position. It is, however, improper for them to be accountable to anyone other than a fellow pastor in their personal lives because laypeople are rarely equipped to deal with the fact that the person they frequently look to for guidance is struggling with anger, or lust, or questioning their own faith.

    15. Tony Story on Mon, September 19, 2005

      Well, with 38 years of ministry under my belt I would answer this question with a resounding; NO, for three reasons:     #l.  Familiarity does breed contempt.

      #2.  If you have a best friend outside the church, any counsel you might need would be more objective and  


      #3.  A pastor is a “spiritual parent” to his flock.  Your children in the physical don’t need another buddy, they need a parent; same goes for your spiritual children.

       

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