Monday Morning Insights

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    Should We Pursue Church Members Who Are Leaving the Church?

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    Here is part of Brad’s answer:

    I can’t tell you how common this problem is and how often I’ve experienced it in my own leadership. To both react and lead properly in this challenge, I’ve chosen a foundational principle that I build my life and leadership on: “I have to love people without needing them.”

    In the early days of my ministry, I loved growth—which I translated as “success"—so I did whatever it took to keep every single person in our church. To me, each person represented growth and size. Anyone leaving seemed to represent failure. But I soon learned that this attitude was both unhealthy and destructive. It caused me to fight to keep people in the church who were undercutting the vision, biblical values and enthusiasm we needed to reach new people and grow. They also were stifling the credibility and influence I was building as a leader.

    Realize this: People who are talking about leaving your church for negative reasons will not be positive or supportive. As a result, they will make it their goal to influence other people to think and act negatively. So, I don’t advise pursuing them or attempting to get them to stay. It won’t be positive for your church or for them. Instead, as pastors we must love them enough to let them go and find a church that lives up to their expectations. We must love them without needing them. When we need them, we compromise the good of the church to keep them.

    I don’t have to tell you that trying to keep these people isn’t healthy or God-honoring leadership. The good shepherd protects the sheep from exposure to harmful and destructive elements, and this is the role we have as pastors. Nothing is more destructive than a wolf dressed up in sheep’s clothing. So you must protect your church from people like this.

    You can read more about how Brad handled this type of thing in the NorthRidge transition here...

    Any thoughts?

    An interesting question is posted to Brad Powell, Pastor of Northridge Church, in the latest Outreach Magazine: "Our church has been in transition for about 15 months, and we are still slowly losing people. The major problem and disappointment comes when the people who leave are dishonest with me and minimize the magnitude of their disagreement. Yet, they malign me to other members on their way out. Would you advise pursuing these members and lay leaders who are leaving our church or indicating they're about to leave?"

    Comments

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    1. Bob Barnes on Tue, July 17, 2007

      I was soundly criticized by one of the deacons for failing to beg people to stay with our congregation rather than moving on to another congregation. 


      When people had the nerve (most just leave) to come and tell me they were leaving for another church, I would genuinely rejoice with them that they had discovered where the Lord had assigned them.   I would be genuine in my joy, not because I wanted to be sarcastic, but because they could be better served and be able to serve in that situation.


      Not many things are more disgusting to a person than being chased when you do not wish to be chased.

    2. Josh on Tue, July 17, 2007

      Been through this once as a pastor and now we are going through it again on a lesser scale.  I think it is important to maintain focus on those who do not have biblical fellowship.  If people want to leave fellowship for usually “taste and preference issues”  Love them and let them leave.  keep your focus on reaching and baptizing the lost.  Let them get their 31 flavors experience and they will find emptiness at the end.  Not that we are happy about that but you can’t change people.


      Remember, every ounce of energy you spend on trying to keep people you already have, realize you are losing people that you don’t have yet…

    3. Brian on Tue, July 17, 2007

      The only thing I do is to ask them if someone caused them to leave, or if I have done so, just so I can ask for forgiveness to prevent anything from being between us (Matthew 5).  I never beg anyone to stay.  In fact, in a letter to one couple asking them the above, I said something like, “I’m not very good at chasing people down, and since you’re grown-ups, I don’t need to beg you to stay.  I just want to make sure that there is nothing between us.”


      Can’t remember exactly what I said, but that was the gist of it!


      Brian

    4. JM on Tue, July 17, 2007

      I really like this post as well.  It’s time for pastors to really begin to talk about what “true fellowship” and “authentic community” looks like.  So often we boil it down to whether or not people show up for church on Sundays.  I think that true fellowship and authentic community involves giving and taking.  It’s usually messy too.  Right now we have a family who we are on the verge of losing because of marriage problems and alcohol abuse.  You would think that most people would turn to those whom they are closest to for help.  We have had several members and even leaders reach out to them but they are avoiding communicating with anyone from the church.  They have a few “small grievances” with the church that to me are more or less excuses for not being in fellowship.  As a pastor my heart longs for their marriage to be restored, their kids to have healing and their family to be back in fellowship with us.  But what I am realizing is that I can’t force that to happen.  I can’t force them to even acknowledge that they need help.  It’s frustrating because as the pastor concerned people from our church come to me wanting me to fix all the problems in this family, even though their own sin is causing it.  Jesus never forced people to follow Him.  It seems to me that over and over He gave them the option but if they didn’t want to He moved on.  Is this to cold?  Is there more I should be doing?

    5. Derek on Tue, July 17, 2007

      I think if we are GOOD SHEPHERDS then would should beg sheep to stay…even if they bite us and other sheep in the process! (Just kidding) Are these begging-the-sheep-to-stay pastors crazy?!? I had to let a bunch of leaders (and givers) walk out of our church about three years ago. It was hard. I felt like I was in a row boat franticly trying to plug 17 holes in the bottom of the boat simulateously. We lost income, staff, lay leadership, servants in the church, home group leaders, even some founding families of the church. It was really hard, but three years later we have replace all that has been lost in terms of money and leaders. Now thing are really good. We have a biblically balanced mission and a wonderful vibe in the church.


      I say: “Hold people with open hands.” If they want to leave let them leave…don’t hold them too tightly.


      Derek

    6. Jan on Thu, July 19, 2007

      I don’t think we’ve ever begged members to stay, but we have pursued them to resolve conflict.


      Unfortunately, most people who have a conflict don’t want resolution! But a nasty email, does not mean a nasty responding email back.  We get up out of the chair and go knock on their door immediately.


      I see too many pastors who don’t know how to do this.  And I think it’s imperitive that we in ministry learn to go to our brother and sisters and not respond in kind.


      We’ve also, in our small community, gone to other ministry leaders and warned them.


      We’ve had some very dysfunctional and destructive individuals and we’ve seen it as important that they don’t jump back into leadership or at least the other church allows it with eyes wide open.


      If church truly is 24/7 and family, then we must begin behaving like it’s an important loss when we lose a member.  Grieving’s okay.  But some family you just can’t live with.

    7. brian on Mon, July 28, 2008

      I am on the other side of this.  Four years ago, I partnered with a church that was moving to plant a church in our area.  When I joined with the church, it was very clear that I knew God was calling me ot plant in my town.  I preached in the church, organized many small groups, developed a cafe ministry, all in preparation for developing a team and launching a new church.  In four years, we never even discussed church planting and now the church has purchased a new building, is in t he midst of remodeling it, and moving to multiple services.  God is blessing and it is good.  I think the church is doing what it should be doing.  I sat down with the Pastor and told him that while I think he is doing what God intends for his congregation, I do not feel I should be traveling great distances to be a part of it under the pretense of church planting when he has no real intention of planting.  I left graciously, praising the work the church is doing, blessing the pastor and the congregation, but realizing our visions are not the same.  It is the pastor who is malinging me, telling folks not to associate with me, criticizing me.  I have tried to talk to him several times.  He refuses my phone calls, will not answer emails, and is too busy to see me if I come up ot the church to talk in person.  So, while many member do leave angyr and trash talking, this pastor is the one harboring the resentment.

    8. Dane on Mon, July 28, 2008

      If the best people are leaving, you’ve got problems.  If chronicly unhappy people are leaving you are being delivered!


      But we must get over the delusion that the sheep are ours.  They’re not.  They’re Christ’s.  He can move His sheep anywhere He wants to.  And He does so at times.


      Ok, and a lot of His sheep are just wandering to and fro.  They’re not being led by the Shepherd.  They’re being driven by agenda, preferences, consumerism, deception, and possibly demons.

    9. Ray Reavis on Mon, July 28, 2008

      Josh,


      If I may pick on your comment just a moment, you said, “Let them get their 31 flavors experience and they will find emptiness at the end.”


      I think that is true only if you make the assumption that your church is the only correct church and the only correct way to worship.  I think there are plenty of legitimate reasons for leaving a church.  Sometimes God calls people elsewhere.


      I think it’s possible someone may choose one of the other 31 flavors and be richly blessed for the experience.

    10. Dave Andrus on Mon, July 28, 2008

      Thanks for expressing what I have believed for a few years now.  I used to do the same thing, trying to please everyone.  It landed me in a season of sabbatical that, thankfully, ended well for me and our church.


      I will never again run after people who obviously don’t want to be with us as we seek to honor God in the vision, direction, and purpose He has established for us.


      Great article!!!!

    11. Brian L. on Mon, July 28, 2008

      brian,


      Sorry to hear of your experience.


      I hope you’ve been able to find some healing, and that God has allowed you to find a house of worship where He can restore your vision.


      Brian L.

    12. Peter Dodge on Mon, July 28, 2008

      I’m looking at this from yet another perspective, that of receiving people who have left other churches.  I have had good and bad experiences ranging from gifted servants who are truly called to partner in ministry to people who have left one church disgruntled, and bringing those same feelings to our church.  When a person comes from another church and jumps in to serve, I am grateful, but also hesitant.  It is paramount that I find out the terms in which they left the other church.  I want to know that they left on honorable terms.  I network with pastors in our area, and we talk, and we help each other keep track of the flock.  We also warn each other about potential problems if we know who these people are.  I am happy to say that in my experience, most of the people who have left another local church to come to ours have been a blessing.  The others, well, I guess they’re a blessing too because they help teach us how to deal with people like them.  As pastors and staff members of churches, we need to be aware of the church hoppers.  Some are harmless, but some are dangerous too.  At times I wish our church was filled with people who were found by Jesus through our ministry, but I also know that it takes seasoned Christians to help in the ministry to the lost.

    13. Chad on Mon, July 28, 2008

      Where I come from we call some of these people “the blessed subtractions.” I believe that there is a great deal of freedom for people who do not align themselves with the vision of our body, to find a body with a vision that they can get behind. I believe that we do others a disservice when we try to selfishly force them to be a part of something that they cannot support and be passionate about. So as far as I see, embrace “the blessed subtractions” while at the same time search out “the blessed additions” waiting to take place in your community.

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