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    When Loving You Is Killing Me: Thoughts On Pastoring The Small Church

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    I remember what it was like to be a small church pastor and to be optimistic. To come in and look at your congregation and feel love and hope for the future. For me, after years as a youth minister, it was wonderful. I was never happier as a minister than those first few weeks as Pastor Michael Spencer.

    And then....I was taken for a ride in a truck. Mr. So and So, (not his real name) says, "Now you know I give more money than anyone else in the church don't you?" The shine was off of Mikey's new toy. (Actual true story.)

    It didn't take long to discover that I was pastoring a network of extended families, and if I were going to do anything here, I was going to have to memorize a map that was never printed; a map of who mattered, who had power, who called the shots, and whose blessing would determine my support.

    I quickly found out that one Sunday School class and one teacher ran the church. I discovered that one dominant family had determined the success of every pastor for years. I found out that everyone in the church had either made peace with this, or was ready for me to lead the charge to dislodge the dominant family, and if we lost, well.....I'd leave and they would try again.

    I am naturally fearful. I am also very stubborn. This situation provided me with four years to preach my heart out, work around the edges, appeal to everyone to follow my leadership, and try a dozen new things that the dominant family ignored.

    In other words, for four years I worked like so many small church pastors: I tried to be a good and faithful pastor without playing politics. I did all I could to be a good pastor to this family, including seeing them through the death of a major family member. Nothing mattered. I never received a dinner invitation. I never got a basket of peaches. My every decision was wrong. All my projects were ignored. They supported the church, and tolerated me. Things got colder by the week. My future was eroded and undercut at every point.

    At one point, late in the game, we had an evangelist come to preach. A real fiery, bulldog of a guy. He follows me around for a couple of days, and smells out the church. We're in the study, and he looks at me with a look that I can only describe as contempt. "Why don't you tell _________________ that you're the pastor, and he can either support you or leave? Stand up to this bunch."

    So easy to say. So many young pastors go that route, and get their luggage early. I was trying to be a lover and smart guy, not a fighter. I would buy my own luggage, and not much later than if I'd drawn a line in the sand.

    I became bitter, and occasionally angry. (Once when the length of a service was criticized in a humiliating deacon's meeting- I went 10 minutes past noon- I ended the service the next week after 40 minutes.) I fought, and lost. Tried and lost. Prayed and heard nothing. I talked to my fellow pastors endlessly. They just looked at me and bought me lunch. They had heard it from this church before and were going through it at their own.

    Anyone face a similiar scenario?  (Maybe you're in this story right now).  How did it work out?  How did you handle the situation?

    Tomorrow, we'll look at part 2 of David's story.

    Are you a small church pastor that struggles with both the best and the worst the small church has to offer?  I recently found the heart-felt story of Pastor David Hansen, and his experience with his first small church pastorate.  I think it echos stories I’ve heard many times over the years… and stories that I’ve witnessed first-hand many times as well.  Here’s part one of David’s story…

    Comments

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    1. sarge on Wed, June 29, 2005

      first church - church doubles from 75 to 150 and “Bro. Yahoo”, didn’t like it, stood up to him and was aked to leave after one year!  Leaving was one of my biggest mistakes.

    2. Art on Wed, June 29, 2005

      There now.  Four years.  I am slowly dying inside - I know it, my wife knows it, my pastor friends know it, and I am scared to death because I don’t know what to do.

    3. Ricky on Wed, June 29, 2005

      Art:


      Can you give a little more detail about your fellowship?  What is it that is making you so unhappy?

    4. Ricky on Wed, June 29, 2005

      This story is a heartbreaker.


      However, as one who has struggled through very similar situations before, what I’ve learned is to “let go.”

      One of the problems that I see happen all too often in the institutionalized church is the tug-of-war that goes on between the pastor and those who pay his salary.  On one hand, it’s easy, like the article to say “Hey, I’m in charge here!” until your job is on the line, which is one of the problems with the structure of “church.”  It’s the structure that breeds this type of stuff.


      The person filling the role of a pastor is usually there because it’s a position that needs to be filled, a job.  And we all know how easy jobs can be created and how easy they can be removed.

       

      My advice is to let go and leave because, while there are some people who may like to be controlled (which are usually those who have been raised in a spiritually abusive atmosphere) or are rather used to being controlled, you will attract those who will see your heart, if your gifting is pastoral.


      I like the example of David when Absalom, his son (of all people), rebelled.  David left Jerusalem and refused advice to return with an army, saying that too many people would die for something the Lord may be doing.  His humble response was that if the Lord wanted him back, the Lord would make a way, which is exactly what he did.


      Unfortunately, today we feel we must defend the structure or organization from hostile takeovers, which one can never truly do because it is worldly in origin and invites worldly behavior.


      I’m learning that Jesus really is the One who builds His Church and the more I stay out of His way, the more peace, joy and fulfillment I experience in just loving those whom I am privilege to serve with, freely.

       

      So, let go.

       

    5. Phyllis on Wed, June 29, 2005

      It may seem unusual for the Pastor’s wife to comment, but my urge to encourage was too great to ignore.  My husband and I have been where you are.  The church ended up firing us to which we both had very different reactions.  They pulled us away from a July 4th picnic to accomplish this wonderful task.  Afterwards, my husband felt he had failed God and I was celebrating our Independence on Independence Day(the irony:).  I couldn’t have been happier. 

      Not enough time for all the lessons learned but I will share the truth that sustained us then and continues to sustain us and fill us with happiness in the good times and the bad.  It is the reason all mankind was created, and certainly the reason we were called by God; To Glorify God is the why we exist.  It isn’t to win the love of people in the church, it isn’t to make sure we keep our jobs, be great people manipulators or grow small churches into big ones.  Where did we get the idea all these things determined how spiritual we are?  Again, we exist to Glorify God.  So how does that change anything?  When you have family run churches and you support this, you rob God of his glory.  If your interest is in growing large churches rather than healthy churches, you rob God of his glory.  If you manipulate people to get your way in order to make your name great, you rob God of his glory.  So, it became clear to us that we ask ourselves only one question when it comes to decisions or what to do in a situation and this is:  What glorifies God the most?  That is what we do.  We do it lovingly and make it clear that it’s God’s glory we’re fighting for, not our way.  At that point, if we get fired, we get fired.  If they think less of us, who are we anyway, I’m sure we’re much worse than what they can possibly imagine (humility very important in seeing God as being great)  God’s glory is what we’re fighting for, not us.  I could go on, but please be encouraged to correct your thinking in regard to your calling.  The truth is truly powerful, I think we question that because we’ve embraced so many non truths about the Christian life.  

       

      Press on, keep pressing on to know Him. Hosea

       

    6. Rich Viel on Wed, June 29, 2005

      Phyllis,


      As a married pastor who has “seen it” first hand I appreciate your comments very much and it doesn’t seem strange at all for you to be sharing your input.  I hope you will continue to contribute on many of the issues we discuss from the wife’s perspective.

    7. BeHim on Wed, June 29, 2005

      Phyllis your words are very much an encouragment, thank you for sharing.

    8. Sgillesp on Wed, June 29, 2005

      I serve a church just like this, although we have been blessed to have “broken through” so that a different group now holds the power.  The main family has mostly left.  This happened when the Council was asked to share their testimonies…instead, they all quit!  (One said, “I don’t do this for spiritual reasons….)  So…are all small churches like this?  (IOW, is this why they are small?)

    9. tlange on Wed, June 29, 2005

      I have never been in a small church.  I got saved in a church that had an attendance of 1200.  I went to Bible college and attended a church that had an attendance of 4000.  I am now in seminary and the church I currently attend runs between 600-700 and has an auditorium that seats 1000 comfortably.


      I do not know if I could function in a smaller environment and I have read some of the horror stories..

    10. Geoff on Thu, June 30, 2005

      I was two years at a church - facing one family who seemed to be unhappy with everything.  As I prayed with friends we saw three options: God would change people so they followed Him, God would remove those people who were blocking His work, or God would release us to serve Him elsewhere.  In the end it was the third option for us.  But seeing the choices clearly was a great gelp.

    11. Scott Holder on Thu, June 30, 2005

      I’ve been there, done that, and got the t-shirt too! While in seminary I pastored a small church that was led by one elderly man who had been there, “since the ruts only lead to the church.” When I was told that I had a deacon drinking in public I confronted the issue in a meeting. I gave the deacon the opportunity to confess without calling him by name. He did and said it was “doctor’s orders” for him to drink beer daily. He said he only did it at home. That was not the case but that is another story. The next Sunday I was advised it was time to leave - by the elderly man who ran the show. In the 2 years at that church I learned what a “family church” really is. They are small because they want to be. If they get larger they can’t maintain control. That church is almost non-existent now.

      The next church was small but, actually a mission, but it grew - despite some members wanting to keep it small and under their control. I stood up to those with the money and they left. The fellowship in the church body sweetened and I had 4 of the best years of ministry.


      The next church was a merger of 2 churches. It relocated rather than ministering to a changing community. I quickly found out that a former assistant police chief was running things. He kept people angry because he made the decisions - even after the body had voted. I fought that battle for 7 years. The last 2 years of the battle saw my health decline very rapidly. I ended up with heart trouble and other mental battles. When my wife and daughter asked for their husband and daddy back I said, “enough is enough.” I called a friend who negotiated a quick severance and I resigned immediately. Most of the church family left, because it was apparent from the secret meetings the policeman was having, that he had been behind all the problems. They still have over 1000 on the rolls, but only run 15-20 people. However, they are happy because the ones that left like the policeman and he is running the show again.


      It is interesting to note that this man’s wife came to me to apologize for his actions and told me they were used to being in control and missed that now that I was there. I made note of that and watched how he fought everything I did. He withheld his tithes, causing us to battle with leadership not supporting the church. He lied to folks telling them he was giving. The last 2 years of “ministry” at that church everyone became aware he was not giving at all.


      When I look back on that situation I hurt for them. But it is not because of my doing that they are in the shape they are in. Sure, you can find a person here or there that left because of me. But you find many more, numbering into the hundreds, that left because of that one man and his antics.

       

      They are trying desparately to “hang on to the building and property” with the few that remain. The policeman is the one footing the bills right now and he has the money. He invested what he withheld over several years so he can keep it afloat for a while.


      I’ve moved on and found forgiveness for what he did to me, my family, and the Lord’s church. I’ve also started a new church after many requested that I do so. I spent time praying about it and God seemed to give a green light to it so we did. I’ve had the privilege of baptizing my own daughter and others in the new church. I’ve also had the special privilege of assisting a couple of dads baptize their own children.


      It’s been fun again to serve the Lord. It’s not easy starting over from scratch, but it does teach a lot about trusting God.

       

      I’m happy where we are now - and I’m at peace with the past. Sometimes you have to stand your ground. Other times, when the ground gives way, you must move on and find a new place where God can use you. That last place was so far outside God’s will that He was unable to do anything - because of their unbelief.


      To all that are struggling in this type of situation now, please feel free to contact me. I’ll share with you and care for you and help lead you out of the funk the devil has you in. God allows these things to happen in our lives so we can minister to others who are going through the same thing.


      God really is able to do a whole lot more than we can ask Him to do or even think about! Hey, that’s in the Bible - right?

       

    12. sled dog on Thu, June 30, 2005

      Hey Folks…I encourage you to check out a new website: THE MAYBERRY DRIVEN CHURCH. It’s essentially a weekly web/podcast specifically for pastors and believers in small churches.  I personally know the guys doing this.  They recently moved to the Great Northwest after years in big city So Cal churches.

      I’ve listened to the first three broadcasts…the last one, called “TURKEYS IN THE BAPTISTRY: CREATIVE PROBLEM SOLVING IN MAYBERRY” is a great listen.


      http://www.mayberrychurch.com

       

    13. Pete King on Thu, June 30, 2005

      There are lots of good comments here and I would like to say that there are more of us who are experiencing the terrible tragedies of small church problems. Since I have been posting here others have contacted me and have told me their terrible stories as well. In fact the very reason I’m not in full time ministry is due to a life time of terrible painstakenly, devestating tragedies. The truth is there are so many of us that we don’t even realize our cynicism comes from our incredibly wounded experiences in ministry. Each time we hear another story it only confirms our cynicism of doom and despair. However, I’ve learned that inspite of everything the devil can’t kill the soul. Even though I have been crushed emotionally, beaten verbally, wounded spiritually the devil will not kill, no cannot kill my spirit. I agree with Ricky that we need a little bit of first century church today. Too much “me and I” going on for God and the lost to fit into. We need a revival that draws men and women of God to repentance and ask God to forgive their selfish ambition. Scott I want to encourage you that there is a ministry needed for the minsters and church leaders who have experienced the trials of Job. Even this website was built to help people such as ourselves. Some might judge the man who poses the question, “Is God dead?” But not me. I understand the feeling of not hearing from God for extended periods of time only to be left wondering if He’s still listening. Now don’t missunderstand me. I know God is not dead, Obviously I don’t believe that to be true or I wouldn’t be here sharing this with you. However, when you’ve given all you have and the gates of Hell rise up against you, you cannot help but wonder sometimes. I try to not give specifics here for a reason because of the people I know might read my words and say I know what he’s talking about. With that said, it doesn’t negate the fact that I am drawn into discussion with God on the matter and sometimes when I am by myself or in the shower God will speak to me and I feel compelled to pray for these churches and their leadership. Sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I break emotionally. I know that God still loves these people because He wouldn’t compel me to pray if He didn’t. Since I have been through these situations so many times before I have learned to not view the attacks towards me as personal, however I’ve come to realize that it is man’s sinful nature that is driving people to continue this way. They are saying speak blessing to us. They are wanting pastors to tell them they are ok. They have a form of Godliness but are denying the power thereof. If we are going to see a revival like history’s past then these churches must repent and change of their ways. Those of us who been through the battles of church are not fighting for ourselves. We’re fighting for America. True on many scales we are more “churchy” today than ever before but how are we spiritually. We’re living one thing and doing another. For those of you who haven’t experienced what I’m talking about we need your prayers because we are living on a mission field. It’s here not just in China, Africa, or Europe it’s right here on American soil. We may be free to choose whom we will serve and for many people they have made their choice, “It’s me” Selfishness is killing the Christian church. I realize I’m preaching to the choir, but this needs interdenominational, multiracial, multicultural prayer. Unity is the key and let’s pray God will bring those who are really serious about changing this problem. The National Day of Prayer isn’t enough. Let’s decide now that we are hungry for God to intervene. God bless.

    14. Daryl Stevenson on Thu, June 30, 2005

      I just left a church with a similiar situation because we started our own ministry it is hard to do the right thing for church people i know we suppose to love them know matter what but some people have a form of religion which is not of God and that makes it hard for pastors to lead them so the ones who are following get lost in the flow of thing and causes churches to split i’m a young pastor my wife is senior pastor i understand the young pastor feeling but also see the seasoned pastor heart you have to do what God say do even if it means recieving your luggage stay strong in Jesus name.

    15. Fred McQuen on Mon, July 11, 2005

      Pete is so right: this is an American problem we’re facing. I am a pastor of a small church, and grew up in a small church. I have been an associate pastor at one of the largest churches in the area and have served at one other mid-sized church since God moved our family to this area 12 years ago.


      As I was talking to God the other day about my own small congregation and the many challenges we are facing I was telling Him that I believe the people want Him, and I know they need Him. And in question form I hear, “But do they want me as much as they need me?” It hit me hard. I found myself speechless before God.


      I think many of our churches, big and small, are filled with people who fit this description: they want God to some degree and they need God, but their want has not raised to the level of their need. They want church to be a social function, not a spiritual function. God and His servants are on a clock, Forget how much I need Him. Forget that I will stand before Him and give an account for my life one day. Forget that I will be held accountable for every servant sent to my way. None of the games will count. My posturing for positions in the church won’t matter if I haven’t positioned myself for a place with God.

      I guess what I’m saying is at the bottom of all of this is souls. We can’t compromise our soul, our families, those we do win, for the sake of a few. I know we can’t stay and win every fight, but some people don’t really want God anyway. They need Him, but they don’t want Him. It’s can be more polarized in our small churches, but believe me it’s in the big churches too.

       

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