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Confessions of a Pastor

Orginally published on Monday, October 23, 2006 at 5:51 AM
by Todd Rhoades

Craig Groeschel has a brand new book out called "Confessions of a Pastor: (The Dark Side of a Pastor's Life - A Breath of Fresh Air)". I just picked up a copy last week and have really enjoyed reading it. In the book, Craig relates openly and honestly the feelings and thoughts that many pastors and church leaders feel every day. For instance, listen as Craig relates the first time he ever felt free to be authentic while preaching. He writes...

“One Sunday, after another week of performing my best for God, I stood to preach His life-changing Word. As I approached the pulpit, the truth hit me squarely between the eyes. I hadn’t prayed at all. Not that day. Not the day before. Not the day before that. To the best of my knowledge, I hadn’t prayed all week.

And I called myself a pastor. That’s when it dawned on me: I had become a full-time minister and a part-time follower of Christ. From the outside, I looked the part. “God bless you,” I’d say, followed by the promise, “I’ll be praying for you.”

But that was usually a lie.

Stepping onto the platform to preach that morning, I admitted to myself that I was not a pastor first, but a regular, scared, insecure, everyday guy whose life had been changed by Jesus. And if Jesus really loved me as I was (I knew He did), then why should I go on trying to be someone I wasn’t? I stumbled through that sermon, forcing the words to come out. The message was superficial, plastic, shallow…but somehow I got through it. I drove home that day ashamed of the role I’d played so skillfully, but feeling cautiously hopeful I might learn to be myself.

All week long I agonized. I prayed as I hadn’t prayed in months: God, what if I tell them who I really am? What if they know I’m terrified? What if they reject me? Talk bad about me? Fire me? I swallowed hard. Then I ventured a step further: Is this what You want me to do? I thought I sensed God’s assurance, but I wasn’t sure. Desperately I hoped it was Him leading me,
and not just my own whacked-out thoughts.

The next Sunday arrived, and I walked to the platform uncharacteristically unprepared—not one written note. The only preparation was in my heart. My throat dry, nervous beyond description, I stared at two hundred very committed churchgoers. They stared politely back.

Silence.

Finally I spoke. “My relationship with God is not what it should be.” My voice quavered with each syllable. No one moved. I plunged ahead. “I’ve confessed to God, but now I’m going to confess to you: I’ve become a full-time minister but a part-time follower of Christ.”

You could have heard a communion wafer snap.

I continued speaking, opening my heart and inviting everyone inside. The message that Sunday was unembellished: no humor, no quotes, no poems. It was void of clever sayings or points starting with the same letter. But the message was true. I held nothing back. It was the biggest public risk I’d ever taken. It was also my first authentic sermon. I had preached many times before, but this was the first time the real me made a showing. In the middle of my talk, something started to happen,
something new…

God made Himself known.

The reality of His presence is hard to describe, but it’s even harder to miss. Some people cried quietly in their seats. Others sobbed openly—not so much for my sins, but for their own. Before I had finished my confession, many gathered at the altar to repent along with me.

As the tears and words flowed, God’s peace replaced my fear. His assurance pushed away my doubts. Christ’s power invaded my weakness. In that moment, Jesus became as real to me as He had ever been. The Savior was with me…and I believed He was pleased. “Well done,” I felt, more than heard.

That’s when it all changed. I became a full-time follower of Christ who happened to be a pastor. No more make-believe. No posing. And no playing games. From that moment on, I would be who I am.

Or nothing at all.

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I encourage you to order a copy of “Confessions” today. There’s more information on the book directly below, and by ordering from MMI you’ll help support our email newsletter costs. Have a great week!

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FOR DISCUSSION: If you had to make one confession about your church leadership, what would it be?  (You can post anonymously if you’d like, just don’t give your real name or email).


This post has been viewed 3002 times so far.


  There are 35 Comments:

  • I wrote an article on my own blog after preaching a few weeks ago. It hit me, as I was preaching on money, that this was very much a subject where my life was clearly inconsistent with the message. And yet we have an expectation by others, but mostly ourselves I think, to be these super-spiritual giants.

    Thanks to Craig for being so brutally honest, and for reminding us that being a genuine follower of Jesus is what life is all about.

  • Posted by Ricky Fleming

    Awesome story. It’s time for church leaders to take off the masks and to be what God has called us to be which is “REAL PEOPLE” that go thrugh all the same trials and struggles as everyone else. It is so easy to get caught up in doing “church” that we forget to maintain the relationship with the one who called us to be HIS servants.

  • Posted by

    How do you know how far to go with this “soul bearing”? Where is the line? Is this something to be done weekly, regularly or rarely?
    Does the messenger have to be walking strongly with the Lord every time you mount the pulpit, or is it acceptable to allow the perfect message to be presented by the imperfect messenger, without the messenger letting his own personal walk with Christ become a distraction?

    I can see how this “transparency” could be very important, just not sure when, who long do you have needed to be at a church, etc..., etc… lots of questions.... anyone want to answer a few of them? I’m interested in taking this path, just not sure it is a path that is designed for my own selfish needs or the needs of the people?

    Good article!

  • Posted by Todd Rhoades

    Brian… that’s where the book comes in!  smile

    Todd

  • Posted by

    I had a similar expirience yesterday at church and without going into much detail I too asked for forgiveness after the service was just about over and when my associate gave the invitation , dozens and dozens of people came forward weeping and repenting. I hope and pray this is the beginning of something new and refreshing in the life of our church. Please, please pray for us!

  • Posted by

    I am sometimes in that place. So far… I’ve been able to redirect, or shall I say, God has redirected me. Being an honest transparent flawed human in front of other people is, imho, the best way to pastor…

  • Posted by

    Wow; I can hardly wait to read the book!  I’ve suggested to some closest to me in ministry that being real is one of the most important virtues we can have.  We seem to be good at keeping up facades, but when we are humble before God and before the people around us, God really shines through.  Really appreciated the article!

  • Posted by DanielD

    Some people have mixed opinion on what the “Emerging Church” is but what I find totally amazing about these pastors is that they are EMERGING from behind the pulpit and into the body of Christ they are called to lead. It seems very evident to me that God is moving us to remember authenticity and to be in relationship with one another by being open and honest. Our culture is so complex with so many messages being sent to us each day. So much hype and so much fluff. The church used to be bashed for its hypocrisy but if we are all open and our challenges, whether we are a pastor – a neighbor – a husband – a boss – or a friend, we’ll be better equipped to help break down the walls that hold us back and really deal with solutions rather than just masking problems.

    I just picked up Craig’s book myself and am looking forward to reading it. Thanks Todd for sharing.

  • Posted by

    Dear Todd: Thanks for sharing that review. Confession before the Lord is confession before the most understanding and mature audience we have, God. Confession before our congregations must be honest but spirit directed because once we have done it the flags of all eyes and ears are looking for results in our lives according to the terms percieved in the minds and hearts of the hearers. While confession might be good for our soul when done publically it must be also good for those who recieve it. 58 years ago I bowed my head and heart to recieve Jesus Christ as personal Savior. Two years later I knew God wanted me in the ministry. Since then the journey has been fantastic but there are moments where in the matter of prayer I have been confused by the many systems that I have been instructed in as to how to pray so that God will work. The now in heaven Dr. Bob Cook used to say pray your way through the day and I really related to that advice. Stay intimate with why we are doing what we are doing. Everything we do has meaning so do it in a manner that you are aware of all the ramificaions. Don’t allow your life to get to loud, even the music in the church, sometimes what we are doing is so loud we can’t hear the quiet voice of God as He speaks to us. I look forward to reading the book.

  • Posted by

    This subject have been long overdue!  Thanks for taking the guts to “come out of the closet”!

  • Posted by

    It’s ironic(!) that I found myself in the same position only last week, as I tried to put the cap on a sermon that I had done little praying over (at least not serious prayer), and I realized that I was empty. Something wasn’t right. I preached a different message yesterday, but I have taken ALOT of time over the last several days praying, reading, seeking the Lord in worship to renew my spirit.  I also picked off of my bookshelf the old EM Bounds classic, “Power through Prayer” which talks TO pastors about prayer.  This book I received 17 years ago has re-opened my eyes to the absolute necessity of prayer. One thing Bounds wrote, “The preacher needs a thorough conviction of his difficult and delicate work and of his imperative need of God’s mightiest help.” If I want to make the greatest impact through my preaching and leadership, I MUST PRAY. If you haven’t picked up a classic book on prayer, just do it (especially for pastors, Bound’s “Power Through Prayer” speaks right to you). Thanks for the article - it reminds me that even we pastors walk together in the body of Christ.

  • Posted by

    I read this book last week! It was a great book to read. He hits the nail on the head (at least for me) over and over again. Great chapters on “I don’t like most Christians” “I hate prayer meetings” “I feel insecure” “I worry all the time” I felt like he was in my head for over 3/4 of the book. Thanks Craig, I needed it!  If you want to be encouraged, get a copy.  I had been having a few tough ministry weeks and it really picked me up. 

    MY CONFESSION for Todd’s question. “I get too worried about what people think. I compare myself to every other speaker in my church. When teach I worry about how it goes over and if the people like my style” I hate that about me!

  • Posted by

    Not many people in my life today even know that I used to be a UMC clergyman.  Those who do know has said little or nothing to me over the past 40 years concerning my decision to leave the ministry, but, every now and then, someone will ask the question: “Why did you leave?”
    Truth is that at the time I resigned, I did not really know the answer to that question myself. I had been very happy and fulfilled as a mininster.  First appointment was a “vacant lot”, i.e., a start up assignment.  At the time, I believed that God had placed me exactly where I belonged.  Ministry was rewarding, and I was always excited and enthusiastic about my calling as a minister.
    At the end of seven years, I was appointed to my second appointment in Northern Virginia, While the communities were the same, suburban, I was still the man that felt called by God to do exactly what I was doing.  Three years into this second appointment, my sister was told by her physician that she had terminal cancer.  My sister was a nurse, also a member of my first appointment and we were close.  Doctors gave her six months to live.  She and I spend a lot of time together, talking, praying and meeting with a seminary professor and friend of mine who joined us in prayer, believing that she would be healed.  I believe it with all my heart,mind and spirt.  I had no doubts.  She would be healed and she would continue her life as a wonderful person and a great nurse.  Six months later, she purchased a gun and she killed herself.And I plunged into a pit of great dispair and depression. I should have sought prayer and counseling, but, I did not.  I also felt shame and defeat, believing that I had failed my sister and that I had failed as a minister.  Now my life was full of doubt.  How could I remain in the pulpit?  What could I say?  How could I minister? That was almost 40 years ago.  It took 20 years before I could even talk about this with anyone, or to mention my sister’s tragic death “out loud”. My faith has survived, but it took a long time.  Did I make a good or correct decision to leave the ministry.  No, I did not.  Has my latter life been rewarding, fulfilling and fruitful?  Yes, but not without difficulties.  Today we live on a farm in Georgia with 39 deeply troubled children, all legally adopted by our oldest daughter, who have faced and lived thorough pain, hurt, abuse and abandonment, the victims of drugs and other adictions.  Life is not without pain, suffering and death..

  • Posted by

    I have read several books that told stories of revivals that started with public confessions. I am the associate pastor of worship and I would love to see that kind of revival breakout in our church. It is my perception that most of the people in our congregation feel embarressed to confess their sins in a public setting. I pray daily that the Lord will move in our hearts and let revival fires sweep our church and our community.

  • Posted by

    This is it!  The real deal.  Exactly how Christ wants us to be.  Thanks Craig and thanks to the editors for this venue to share.  blessings, Jimmie

  • Posted by

    Wow.  I need to get before the Lord.

  • Posted by

    Fantastic article!  Years ago I attended a church where the pastor was truly authentic and allowed us to see his struggles.  I grew more in Christ during those 6 years under his teaching, than I did my previous 25+ years as a Christian, under other teachers. 

    Thanks for reminding us that God asks us only to be humble and authentic… then HE is set free to do the rest.  What a wonderful challenge to us all!

  • Posted by michael

    I can see that this is a hard thing....Todd asked, “If you had to make one confession about your church leadership, what would it be?” He even gave us permission to be anonymous in our posts.  Just an observation:  of the posts so far only a few have actually answered Todd’s question.  There are many affirmations for confession, the good public confession can bring, revival, and so on, but few confessions.  If it is hard here ~ and let’s face it, I don’t know any of you ~ how much courage does it take to actually do this in front of the congregation…

    For me, I can echo T’s confession.  I get too worried about what other people think.  If I am not careful, I find I spend more energy thinking about whether or not the congregation likes me than whether or not I am leading them where God wants them to go. 

    Peace in Christ,

    mdd

  • Posted by

    There is no substitute for authenticity, I wept and rejoiced simultaneously reading the article and the responses, God is beginning a revival, praise His name!

  • Posted by

    Wow!  This is the first time in a LONG time I’ve wanted to read all the entries!  And - while wiping tears!!  To God be the glory.  May His Spirit continue to work in and through us.

  • Posted by Norm

    Thanks for the review. I would say my biggest struggle right now in ministry is insuring that I have died to self. There is still too much of me in everything I do.

  • Posted by

    Craig is my pastor, and this is the reason why I like him and the other staff members. They are not afraid to open up and be honest with the people because they are experiencing and dealing with the same problems we are and leading the way by their example of how we can begin to conquer our own struggles. Some of my most powerful moments in preaching have been when I pulled off the mask and was honest with the flock God gave me to feed. May all God’s pastors have the boldness to be so honest.

  • Posted by

    My Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ
    I have found my self in similiar situations.  I have both a TV program (local public cable access) and a nursing home ministry, as well fill in an an iternant preacher.  Not being prepared will bind the Holy Spirit from touching those we are called to minister.  As I recall Jesus prayed all the time before He went out to minister.  As some of the responses have indicated, we have to be prepared.  An example of a lighter but still “to the quick” comment.  What I find interesting as I come across in a lighter attitude with my puppet ministry and regarding preparation, I would say, “you would not just put eggs, flour, salt, sugar and frosting in a bowl and serve it as dessert, would you?” “course not” Fred (my puppet) )says....so then why do we find ourselves in the situation as in the original presentation.....
    Keep up the great testimonies - they are truly encouraging for all
    Pastor Bill

  • Posted by

    I was assistant pastor when i tried something like this .Sunday morning senior pastor gone my time to get real. Pastor had a saying he used every service is I love you and there is nothing you can do about it..Now turn to 2or3 people and tell them. For me it just wasn’t true and I was tired of lying .So while preaching I told the Truth .That is I don’t love you and there is a lot you can do about it and I went on from there.Long story short It didn’t go over as well as with pastor Craig. Why don’t you love me . First of all I don’t know you and some of you I do know I can barley tolerate .some of you people are just hard to love and you don’t even try to make it easy .You are a pain and like it that way .You don’t want anyone to know anything about you .well it went on from there like I said it was true but I cant say it was well received .Especially by the senior pastor he didn’t like it at all. So much for the truth and being real

  • Posted by

    John, people often will not like hearing the truth, but they need to hear it.  I’m sure there were people there that day who really needed to hear what you had to say.  I I suspect you really needed to speak the truth that day.  Publicly it may not have been recieved well, but in their hearts I’m sure some received it as God intended it.

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