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Ten Signs it’s Time to Confront

Orginally published on Thursday, April 17, 2008 at 7:23 AM
by Todd Rhoades

I HATE CONFRONTATION! With a passion. And I'm not looking forward to a phone call and meeting I need to schedule today. Confrontation stinks. And yet, many times it needs to be done. As much as I hate confronting, I hate NOT confronting even more. David Foster recently wrote on his blog about ten signs it's time to confront. David writes, "No one really likes confrontation, even those who say they do. For if you really like it, you’re a bully more than a person. But the truth is, we do have to confront. Here are 10 signs it’s time to confront the people you love, care about, work with, or are responsible for..."

Here are David’s first six:

1. It’s time to confront when things aren’t working out even after you’ve given them sufficient time to do so.

2. When you’re avoiding each other.

3. When your silence is more about fear than the truth.

4. When allowing the contact to go on is hurting the other person.

5. When the contact is hurting other people.

6. When you see there is still time to redeem the relationship, the job, the person, or the potential future.

You’ll need to go over to DavidFoster.tv for the rest of his list.

But what do you think?  Have you had to confront lately?  What are your strategies or what is your style when you confront?  How do you know it’s time to confront?

Todd


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  There are 8 Comments:

  • Posted by

    Confrontation is something that we need to do as believers.  Matthew 18 is one of the greatest demonstrations for this when someone has sinned against you.  Rather than murmuring, gossiping, or harboring hate, you go directly to the source and talk things out.

    It would have been great if Foster had used some Bible verses in backing up his recommendations, even if by using stories as a reference.  Instead, I couldn’t tell if this was from a pastor or from some pop psychology, Dr. Phil-type worldly guidance.

    --
    CS

  • Posted by bishopdave

    CS, in you view is there the existence of something called, “common sense”? Does the Bible tell me not to stick my tongue on a frozen metal pole? Not to sniff gasolijne? Besides, he wasn’t talking about the process, you will notice each point begins with the word WHEN. Matt 18 only says when your bro has trespassed; is that the only time confrontation needs to take place? Jesus speaks of a process. Would Dr. Phil telling you not to lick a frozen pole have more weight than if CS said it? The truth is, licking a frozen pole is not wise. Knowing WHEN and WHEN NOT to confront, looks like good common sense to me whether it came from CS, Moses, or Oprah. Or even Mr. Foster.

  • Posted by Peter Hamm

    #11. When you can’t eat, sleep or think until you’ve talked about the issue with the person… BUT… count to 10 first, or 100… or maybe 1000…

    And ALWAYS be willing to look in you and not just the other person for the “problem”. (Sometimes it’s not sin, it’s just miscommunication.)

  • Posted by

    When the first action or reaction in any situation is too look for fault or error

  • Posted by bishopdave

    If you don’t have a witness of the confrontation, document it.

    One staffer I had to communicate basically with email because he twisted everything or denied or whatever suited his purpose. One of the board members was very critical of me because a “church shouldn’t have to document anything.” If there were no liars in the church, this would be true.  At the one-on-one level when there’s no witnesses, you must document.

  • Posted by

    bishopdave:

    I agree wholeheartedly with your last point.  Whenever I get out of a meeting, conversation, phone call, or discussion that has some potential for ramifications, I will always send a follow-up e-mail that says, “Here’s what we talked about and what we agreed...” That way, if I misunderstood something, it can be clarified, and if the person comes back later with conflicting information, I can point to the e-mail and show that there were no objections to the assertions.

    Going back to your first point, yes, there is something in my mind called “common sense.” (Although, in watching the world go by, it does seem less common nowadays.) And, you’re right, we don’t have to have the Bible say something like, “don’t stick your tongue to a pole in winter.” That would be silly.

    When I hear wisdom or recommendations coming from a pastor, generally, I am accustomed to seeing some sort of scriptural basis behind it.  Now, I know that this does not need to happen all the time, like a pastor saying, “You see, planting your bulbs after the frost is a good idea because the Bible says...” That would be ridiculous.  In a topic delving into relationships and confrontation where there are “gimmes” like Matthew 18, though, I would have expected to see some verse to go along with those thoughts.  Or at least some Biblical story or precedence.  Otherwise, it can sound like pop psychology.

    --
    CS

  • Posted by Peter Hamm

    CS,

    but not ALL pop psychology is wrong, either…

  • Posted by Camey

    Sorry you’re having to have that type of meeting today Todd. Just prayed for you and all involved.

    Interesting timing on this piece. Sometimes confrontation is needed when another person’s actions cause others to feel unsafe around them. Policies and procedures are helpful to have in place before some thing happens instead of afterwards. Would we prefer to not have to think this way in ministry? Absolutely. Does that change the need to do so- absolutely not.

    I’m stopping with having said that much… (Leonard - hold me accountable here.)

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