Are You Here to Make Friends
- Posted by: Todd
- Posted on: Wed, July 09, 2008
- Viewed 59
- (14) comments so far
We've talked about this before... pastors and friendships. Take a look at this clip, and then let's discuss... how does this relate to your church role? Are you here to make friends? Obviously, it's in your best interest to not tick people off intentionally; but is there ever a point where friendships can hinder your ministry?
Comments
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Steve Patton on Wed, July 09, 2008
Funny, unfortunately I’ve seen half of those shows and only 2 of them actually won the competition and STILL didn’t get the “success” they wanted after the show.
Peter Hamm on Wed, July 09, 2008
I am SO glad I don’t watch reality TV!
I am here to make friends! to make friends with God’s people, to make friends with those who will become God’s people, and I don’t think friendships hinder your ministry, although people can.
Sid Emory on Wed, July 09, 2008
I don’ have an answer to the question. This is a thought that I have never had. But I’m in seminary right now and will possibly be in full time ministry at some point in the future so it interests me a scares me a little to think about this being a problem, but I recognize that it may be.
I just don’t know the answer so I am looking forward to the comments!!
The Jay Kelly on Wed, July 09, 2008
Um, false dilemma right? Pastor/friend is both/and, not either/or, right? Unless you’re defining ‘friend’ as ‘buddy who would rather make you feel good than participate in your spiritual formation.’ Then it’s either/or.
The pastors who have had the greatest positive impact in my life have been those who were my pastor and my friend.
Of course, if you’re a pastor and you’ve truly been friends with people in your church, you’ve probably gotten screwed a time or three; so I TOTALLY understand a hesitancy to ‘just be their pastor, not their friend,’ but that seems like a misunderstanding of the pastoral role.
But I could be completely wrong. It’s happened once or twice before. Twice, actually.
Lori on Wed, July 09, 2008
Since I think the term “friend” has been made shallow over the years my answer is, “ I’m not here to make friends.”
As brothers and sisters in Christ and pastors, it is our job to build relationships. In doing so we define appropriate boundaries on personal stuff and yet are still authentic. In building relationships we can have lots of fun but also have the credibility to confront if needed. It is a life of truth.
I am really glad there is no reality show called “Survival of Americas Next Top Pastor!” Oh the horror! http://www.mondaymorninginsight.com/images/smileys/smile.gif
The Jay Kelly on Wed, July 09, 2008
I would TOTALLY watch America’s Next Top Pastor. Someone should make that show. That would ROCK! Complete train wreck, and I would love every excruciatingly painful moment!
Andy McAdams on Wed, July 09, 2008
YES. Friendships can hinder your ministry, especially when those friends suddenly disagree with you… Or, when they see how human you are. Friends tend to let their hair down, and trust each other and often when those friendships are within the church, it can backfire and the humanity of the pastor actually becomes an issue. After all, don’t you know we walk on water?
I was told just before I went to my first church, “be careful of those that welcome you the most and want to get the closest to you, as they are often the ones that turn on you when things don’t go their way.” That person was right.
I remember a book back some time ago called, “The Friendless American Male.” Now that that concept and multiply it in a pastor’s case because he almost always has to be guarded.
Ray Hughes on Wed, July 09, 2008
Making friends…hum?
Maybe, “being nice” is overrated in the church today. We need to have compassion for people which is the mission of God…but love is good…not always nice. That means you will make some friends and lose some friends along the way.
In ministry the objective is not to make friends, but if I don’t grow friendships along the way can I really claim to be creating the kind of community the Bible calls us to.
Maybe the issue is not that friendships hinder ministry as much as being “nice” hinders ministry because we don’t want to people to not like us because we aren’t “nice”. In the end, if we’ve invested in relationships and we are consistently doing what is good, I think it inevitable that we will have some really deep and valuable friendships.
Anthony Leroy Trask on Wed, July 09, 2008
I’m a HUGE Survivor and Amazing Race fan. Those shows are GAMES! The people that tend to play those games poorly, get the feelings hurt, and ultimately lose are usually the ones that want to be everyone’s buddy.
With ministry, this is different. The old mind-set of ministry (at least what i’ve witnessed) is to ‘not make friends if you’re a pastor because someone might stab you in the back’ and to ‘not get too close to someone or share your feelings with them because then you won’t be able to counsel them because you’ll be on the same level.’ This was ridiculous! Today people long for and crave authenticity and relationship. Ministry won’t be done in the long term amongst people you don’t have a relationship with. Case in point: Jesus
Leonard Lee on Thu, July 10, 2008
I have a good number of friends where I am but that is because I choose to. I try to let friendship become a tool for partnership. Great thoughts all.
betnich on Fri, July 11, 2008
This is SO wrong! “Not here to make friends, but to win a competition!” Give me a break!
As for pastors and church staff being guarded - ministry is messy, being kicked to the curb by someone you trusted hurts, but it’s God’s way and will, and worth it. What if Jesus put up the same kind of wall between Himself and his disciples - would He have even bothered to redeem us?
Debbie on Mon, July 14, 2008
As a church staff member, I’ve seen it all: pastors who have their “good old boy” network and golf buddies to our current pastor who wants none of that. He holds his calling and ministry higher than those around him, and while compassionate and caring, he has few friends. I am convinced he doesn’t want any and if you’re not willing to invest in friendship with people, they won’t with you. I have supported him and his ministry for years—but must admit it was an emotional blow when I came to the realization he was not interested in returning my friendship. I really think pastors and their wives miss out on something when they hold people at arm’s length.
Chuck on Mon, July 14, 2008
Although I think it is good to have friends at the church I do believe it is best that your closest friends are outside the church. I have a seminary friend that I speak with daily and can share anything with him. Things that I don’t believe would be wise to share with church members. Also, for those who believe that a pastor should pursue friendships at church, I firmly believe it should not be with members of the same gender. You are asking for trouble.
Andy Wood on Tue, July 15, 2008
The video sounds more like preachers at a convention than pastors at a church. http://www.mondaymorninginsight.com/images/smileys/grin.gif
“Friend,” biblically, is a covenant word that describes two or more people who have committed the rest of their lives to seek the well-being of each other. It’s antithetical to a church-hopping or popularity-seeking mentality. It’s also not “safe” in terms of raw career advancement or corporate progress.
Can’t you just picture Jesus at the Last Supper saying, “Guys, I’m about to die for the sins of the world, but I didn’t come here to make friends. ‘Cause after all, friends deny and betray, but servants are still clueless as to what the master’s doing.”
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