Ed Young: The Ten Commandments of Purity
- Posted by: Todd
- Posted on: Wed, November 29, 2006
- Viewed 148
- (24) comments so far
1. I shall have no other human relationships before Lisa, including the kids.
2. Remember the date night and keep it holy.
3. Honor Lisa on anniversaries and special days so that you may live long in the land the Lord has given you.
4. I shall not take the covenant of marriage in vain by apathy.
5. I shall not ride in a car or eat in a restaurant alone with a member of the opposite sex.
6. I shall not travel alone.
7. I shall not counsel a woman with the doors closed.
8. I shall not share the details of our marriage with others.
9. I shall not watch, read, or expose myself to sexual explicit shows, books, DVDs, etc.
10. I shall remember the implications of breaking this covenant and commandment before God.
FOR DISCUSSION: What commandments would you add? Do you have a list of things you try to follow in this area that you could share?
SOURCE: CreativePastors.com
This list was originally shared in Ed's Love Affair teaching series within the Lessons from the Ledge message. And don't miss Ed and Lisa Young's book, The Creative Marriage, for more great ideas to build a strong marriage...
Comments
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Daniel on Wed, November 29, 2006
I’m uncomfortable with 5, 6, and 8. I can’t take my sister out to lunch? What counts as travel? What counts as ‘details’? I’m probably nitpicking, but I’d qualify those a bunch, for starters.
A mentor of mine once recommended doing at least one thing a year that was marriage-oriented (e.g. attend a relationship seminar, read a book about communicating better together, etc.). That seems like a good thing. I would add two more commandments:
1- Know thyself (including your limitations, specific temptations, etc.)
2- Always always always be honest, not matter what (with the only possible exception being planning a date or surprise—in which case secrecy might be ok)
Camey on Wed, November 29, 2006
Daniel,
It is sad to say that even the most innocent of innocent can be misunderstood. Case in point: A man and a woman were seen out together often eating at restaurants and riding alone together in a vehicle. Some times they would show up at places at the same time and always leaving whenever one motioned toward the door.
One day the man was asked by a few of his friends who his “new young friend” was. He replied, “Oh, that’s my daughter. She’s also my chauffeur.”
When my dad passed away, two of those guys apologized to me for their foolishness. It was, however, because of those same men that we started introducing ourselves to those who did not already know us as such. So, it will now serve as a guide for my mom and husband. http://www.mondaymorninginsight.com/images/smileys/smile.gif
Have lunch with your sister. Who knows what potential lesson it might serve someone else???
Blessings,
Camey
In regards to EY’s: There are times when sharing details are permitted. It must be however agreed upon by both husband and wife with the point to help others in their walk with the Lord and in their marriage.
matt on Wed, November 29, 2006
I think, on the whole, these are great guidelines.
The only one that I kind of smirk at is the one about never traveling alone. I don’t exactly have resources Young has…so it’s pretty difficult for me to put up some funds just for someone else to fly accountability with me. I think it’s a great concept and should be practiced whenever possible….but NEVER is not quite realistic for most of us.
Gene on Wed, November 29, 2006
#5 is the tough one. I came from a church where there had been a devastating affair between the worship leader and worship assistant (male and female). The church instituted knee jerk policies and generally handled the situation very poorly.
Bring on church #2 - my current employer. My boss is a woman. I’m not. We have spent significant time alone, in cars, in her office, in hotel rooms, on airplanes - just talking. I’m happily married, she’s divorced.
The time we have spent talking has done more for our ministry than perhaps any single action that I’ve taken.
It’s about boundaries. I love my wife. I love my boss as a fellow Christian who shares my passion for what we do. There has never been any question in either of our minds about where the lines are.
It’s about being adults and respecting each other. And it’s about keeping your mind on the job and the Reason we’re doing this job.
Pastor Al on Wed, November 29, 2006
I guess I would only add one to the very top.
I will maintain my devotional center on God alone, and in that way I am free to love my with the way he designed me to.
Blessings,
PA
Leonard on Wed, November 29, 2006
My wife says chocolate covers a multitude of sins.
Pastor Al on Wed, November 29, 2006
As to sharing about my wife –
I don’t never have and I would consider that a breach of my vow to her. If we needed to have “help” in discussing an issue we have agreed to find a good Christian therapist or Pastor who would be able to counsel us both. I might add that my wife does not share about me as well. We have seen first hand what damage can be done when a spouse shares something private with another person, it breaks the bond of trust that is crucial in a marriage. Sharing intimate details with a “friend” or “co-worker” about one’s spouse is a sure fire way to undermine your marriage.
PA
Camey on Wed, November 29, 2006
Leonard: So does my husband’s.
Ann on Wed, November 29, 2006
As well as the personal devotion I would add to pray with my spouse regularly and always, always talk in detail about ,and decide together, important decisions.
Big Amen to the chocolate Leonard!
Noel on Thu, November 30, 2006
There was some interesting conversation about this on my blog.
It prompting me (among other things, including Ted Haggard) to podcast about it here
I hate to seem like I’m pimping myself, but what are you going to do? http://www.mondaymorninginsight.com/images/smileys/smile.gif
Phil DiLernia on Thu, November 30, 2006
At a Promise Keeper Conference at Washington D.C. Coach McCarthy (speaking on the Promise of Sexual Purity) asked the audience (50,000 men) to stand if sexual temptation/sin is the #1 issue between them and God. He instructed us that If it was #2 please do not stand. Only if it was the #1 impurity!
I DO NOT EXAGERATE ... 49,500 out of 50,000 stood up. I will never forget it. If you’re familiar with statistics ... a sample of 50,000 is way more than what is needed to say that this percentage will hold true for any other group of 50,000 men in the United States.
This problem is real ... it’s not talked about, preached about, and/or taught. We need more honesty.
When I was interviewed for my pastorate on the first evening a gentleman (elder) asked me “what is it that you struggle with” or “where do you feel you need extra accoutability.” I responded by retelling that story of the PK conference.
They all shook their heads knowingly ... did not condemn me ... did not make me feel guilty or “dirty” ... and hired me. It is so good to know that I’ve got friends to hold me accountable.
I think most Christian women would be shocked to know that 49,500 out of 50,000 men stood up at that conference that night. This issue can only be solved by trusting God and for brothers and sisters with His Spirit in them to be honest, trust each other, pray for each other, teach each other, and hold each other accountable.
We cannot sweep this stuff under the rug anylonger.
Sue Gillespie on Mon, December 04, 2006
I’m glad others of you have reacted a little to #5. I have heard/read other male pastors who have smugly said that they never counsel a woman alone (which is not what #7 says) nor would drive in a car alone or have lunch alone with a woman. They do not consider the multitude of other messages that sends: that they cannot be trusted with women? That women are the problem? That women are not equal members of the church deserving of the pastor’s time and attention?
My husband works for a woman boss and has women colleagues - there is no possible way that he could implement the same rules. So what are we saying, that pastors have a more unrestrainable libido than men everywhere who work alongside women?
Having problems with sexual temptation is not resolved by cutting oneself off from half the human race and considering that to be a more noble way. It’s true that I’m a woman and can’t know what it’s like, but if you have to have a rule that you can’t meet with a woman alone in your office, you’d better not meet with male members of your congregation alone in your office either, because you’re unacceptably discriminating against members of your church that way. How do you think it feels to the female members of your congregation that you would bar them from your presence either because you can’t trust yourself, can’t trust them, can’t trust what others would say, or because you have an arbitrary rule? Increasingly, women will not put up with being treated that way - especially when they are respected in their workplace.
And by the way, a rule that excludes women from your office doesn’t protect from sexual temptation or unjust accusations - as recent events prove, falling sexually doesn’t require opposite genders being involved.
Phil DiLernia on Mon, December 04, 2006
It saddens me to think that someone can read a statistic that 49,500 out of 50,000 men at a Christian Conference would confess that sexual sin/temptation is their #1 issue that they struggle with and that you suggest that pastors who are trying desperately to avoid such issues themselves or in the church are acting “smugly.” It saddens me that you’re basically denying the 49,500 out of 50,000 possibility that your husband also suffers from this issue and that regardless of that reality you’re suggesting that a significant portion of women will feel mistreated if a pastor attempts to implement some constraints ON HIMSELF. You’re suggestion that women would take men’s admission about their own affliction as a putdown to other women is really disturbing.
Your husband works all day with a women? So? Are you not aware, Sue, that the amount of adultery at the workplace (NO I did not say you’re husband is doing this) has increased to epic proportions? This is the example you want to implement for our churches? Have you not heard what these situations are doing to so many areas in our military?
By the way, if you read the Bible you will discover that God places equal blame on both women and men for this sad state of who we’ve become in the area of sex. Just a cursory read will tell you that this is an accurate portrayal of what God’s view on this is (on the subject of who is to “blame” for our infidelities.) Men and women stand equally quilty. Yet, in the small sampling of men who are attempting to avoid this versus the women who would attempt to “guilt” men or question their motives for trying to remove some obstacles then in this particular sampling I would really questions the women’s motivations.
Oh yeah ... Billy Graham will not meet with women alone. Doens’t seem to have hurt him any. And isn’t it “strange” that his ministry is probably the brightest example we have in modern history of one that is authentic, genuine, and without integrity issues. You don’t think that his handling of the sexual temptation issue has ANYTHING to do with God’s blessing on these areas of reputation?
We can blog all day and all night but unless God does something drastic we’re going to continually put this issue in some dark closet somewhere so we can blog about the next Jim Baker or Ted Haggard without realizing that these men are the exception ONLY in the fact that they allowed their issues to get the better of them and they got caught.
Jan on Mon, December 04, 2006
I think if #1 is followed the rest will fall into place.
The other points (at least most of them) in terms of praciticality should be guidelines in my opinion. I have been in the position of having to eat at a restaurant alone with my boss while we worked through major planning.
Was I considering an affair? Absolutely not. Was He? Absolutely not. Were we in sin? Not according to my Bible.
I think the “smugly” comment made by Sue might read better as self-righteous? or maybe legalism?
I’ve seen this too. Yea it’s good to be conscious of how things appear and boundaries are very important. But they should be boundaries that my spouse and I work out together that work for us, to make sure #10 happens. And I’ve had others state that if you don’t do some of those things above you are in sin, because that’s what they do and see, they’ve never had an affair.
Sounds to me like what the Jews did, built fences around God’s laws. And then if you crossed THAT boundary which God never originally stated, then you are were in sin. I see today’s believers do this all the time with all sorts of things. It’s legalism pure and simple.
Anyway, I think if you know yourself and know your boundaries and are committed to them and your spouse, affairs are a lot less likely. No one can absolutely say they will never be tempted. But after 25 years, I feel pretty confident that we probably won’t in our marriage. And yeah, date nights are important, and a sense of loyalty in what you say, and honor and purity in thought, etc.
And as to others seeing you and making conclusions, that happens all the time! I’m not responsible for the idiotic conclusions others make. I will do my best to be of good repute and not give an appearance of evil, but if someone sees me having lunch with my dad or my son, and assumes I’m having an affair, who is the sinner? Had this happen to me by the way at a convention I attended with my father. Someone thought I was his honey . Hmmmm…. maybe I should have stayed home???
Sue Gillespie on Mon, December 04, 2006
Phil, when I said “smugly” I was not referring to the 49,500 men who stood to confess their struggle with sexual temptation - I was referring to the pastors I have heard/read who profess their “rule” about never counseling a woman alone, or driving alone, etc. Perhaps the word “smugly” is too inflammatory; I’ll withdraw it.
I do not mean to minimize the struggle people have with sexual temptation, nor to say that adultery doesn’t happen in the workplace. I will say that it hasn’t happened, to my knowledge, in any of my husband’s workplaces over several decades, at least among colleagues. But I admit I might not know all about that.
I hear what you are saying about being “saddened” if you think that I am putting down nearly 50,000 men who admit what a struggle it is. What I am saying is that there is more to consider, if you are the pastor, then just making a rule about women - and it saddens me enormously that this even has to be said: that making a rule about keeping women in a different place - a different distance - from the pastor discriminates against half - probably more than half - of the congregation.
Frankly, given Billy Graham’s groundbreaking positions on race, for his time, I believe that if he were in his prime today he would NOT make such a rule. I’m not suggesting that male pastors need to meet with all the women of the church individually behind closed doors, but I am suggesting that making a rule that only affects women isn’t doing the job. Counsel in the library - but counsel everyone in the library. Get a glass door, and only counsel when others are in the building. Just consider what you do from a perspective that does justice to women as well as considers the possibility of sexual temptation.
—Sue
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