Pornography, Guilt, and the Ministry (Part 1 of 3)
- Posted by: Todd
- Posted on: Thu, May 05, 2005
- Viewed 103
- (19) comments so far
It All Started When . . .
Tom, a Christian conference speaker and leader, was away from home and sitting alone in his motel room. Flipping through the city's entertainment guide, he repeatedly found himself turning back to the advertisement of an exotic dancer. ?A former Miss Peach Bowl win?ner,? the caption read.
At first, he dismissed her show as out of bounds. But the longer he sat around watching TV, the more the image of this strip-tease dancer played upon his mind. ?Why not?? he asked himself. A variety of rationalizations bols?tered his resolve to go. Before long, Tom found himself in the back seat of a cab headed for the seamy side of town.
The taxi driver dropped him off several blocks from the bar. Given his reputation back home as a Christian leader and family man, Tom wanted to play it safe. Even though he was a stranger in town, he glanced nervously over his shoulder as he walked closer to his destination, and then entered quickly.
Miss Peach Bowl was every?thing the ad claimed she would be. Tom was captivated as she went through her routine. When he exited the establishment a couple of hours later, everything was same and yet everything had changed. He had crossed a line previously out of bounds. He was still the same person but his perception was now somehow different. And it wasn't long after that he wanted more. He started to regularly frequent strip joints, purchase Playboy and other sexually oriented magazines, was the patronize adult movie theaters, and view live peep shows.
Down the Winding Road
As the seasons came and went, Tom unhappily learned that lust does not fulfill, it ?stirs up.? It points in one direction only, downward. There is no returning to a previous level and remaining content. One always wants more. ?I no longer wonder how deviants can get into child molesting, masochism, and other abnormali?ties, " he reflected. .. Although such acts are incomprehensible to me, I remember well that where I ended up was also incomprehen?sible to me when I started.?
Though he had attempted to break the habit time and again, he found that he could not go a month or two before he yielded once more. Self-hatred, despair, and guilt grew. Over time, an invisible barrier began to develop between him and his wife, Susan, even in the privacy of their bed?room. Tom's sexual relations with his wife could not compare to the technicolor fantasies into which he had so thoroughly immersed his mind. Tom was like a man craving for salt while dying of thirst.
A Dead End
Finally, after years had passed, two unanticipated events occurred which had a dramatic impact. On previous occasions, when trips brought him to New England, Tom would become in?vigorated by walks along the coast. He loved the smell of the ocean wind and the sound of the waves breaking upon the rocks. But on this particular occasion, the experience produced no feelings at all. Tom felt dead inside. The seedy images of pornography had become more real to him than life itself. He had reason to look at his life in a way he never did before.
Secondly, just three days later, Tom had the opportunity to visit with his friend, Steve, a pastor of a very large church and a man he greatly respected. Tom felt he had to reveal his burden to someone. Steve was a man he trusted. After a hesitating start, Tom shared the secret side of his life.
Steve's response was totally unanticipated. After Tom finished his story, Steve broke out in an uncontrollable sob. When he finally recovered, Tom learned that his friend was not crying for him, but for himself. Steve was where Tom had been five years earlier and had taken lust to its logical conclusion. Tom reveals, ?I will not dwell on sordid details, but my friend had tried it all... He reached inside his vest pocket and pulled out a pad of paper showing the prescriptions he took to fight the venereal disease and... infections he had picked up along the way... I worried about cognitive dissonance; he brooded on suicide. I read about deviance; he performed it. I winced at subtle fissures in my marriage; he was in divorce litigation.?
Tom was shocked but recog?nized that his friend ended up where his own obsession would likely lead him. Fear gripped him. He desperately wanted out of the downward spiral.
Discussion
?Tom? wrote his article anonymously. Anyone who responds and would like to share his or her experience or perspective on this subject of pornography and the ministry may feel free to do the same.
--
? 2005 Kenneth C. Newberger
Ken Newberger, an experienced church conflict resolution specialist, earned his Th.M. from Dallas Theological Seminary, has ten years senior pastoral experience, and is in the dissertation phase for his Ph.D. in Conflict Analysis and Resolution at Nova Southeastern University, one of only two accredited doctoral programs of its kind in the United States. If your church needs help resolving conflict, if you need individual coaching, or if you would like to introduce a proactive conflict management system into your church, please visit Ken's website at www.ResolveChurchConflict.com or call 301-253-8877.
Todd asked me to write on the subject of “dealing with pastors involved with pornography.” This is outside my area of professional expertise. However, years ago, when I worked as a writer and editor, I did tackle this subject. The major source for that article came from Leadership Journal, the Fall 1982 and Winter 1988 issues. Because of the length, I am dividing the article into two sections. What follows in this week and next week's postings is an edited reprint of an article I wrote a decade ago. The third article in this series will deal with a related issue that pastors in particular all face.
Comments
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daniel on Tue, May 10, 2005
i to struggle with this issue. i am a pastor. i thought that i had it conquered, yet it hits when least expected.please pray for me.
wounded soldier on Wed, May 11, 2005
I think the church in general has a comfortable complacency when it comes to pornography. This addiction’s prevalence in Christian culture is probably because it is such an internal battle and a mental battle that will never leave you. I have struggled with an addiction to pornography for almost ten years now and it certainly has cost me more than I will ever now.
The one thing that concerns me most is that pornography is not just a man’s issue but a child’s issue. Most men that I have spoken candidly with on this subject saw their first porn before they even knew how to masturbate. This may not have had immediate effect, as is true in my case, but the desensitization and false fantasy begun during that time did lead to something deeper later in life. Too many young men are being deprived of a true, holy virginity before they have ever had anything close to sex.
In the church, I can think of no worse addiction to have - almost wish I had been an alcoholic or a drug addict. Might have been given a little bit more grace or honesty.
LeVaN on Fri, November 03, 2006
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Emmanuel on Thu, December 21, 2006
I am also struggling with pornography; after reading the other postings on this site and looking at my case ; I can only say, pornography is a matter of choice.
I am not going to blame anyone or anything for my addiction and attraction toward pornography. I am going to make a stand today; pornography is SIN and I need to repent of it and continue to bring my desires into subjection.
After all self-control is a fruit of the spirit and we must seek the power of God to overcome any addiction whether it be food or pornography.
The last thing we all need not do is blame someone or something for our addiction. Remember the Garden of Eden story, the man blamed the woman and the woman blamed the serpent and as a result they were both banished {kicked out} from the garden.
We must all make a stand today, repent and seek God’s power to continue to live in subjection to his commands.
Thank you
Emmanuel
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