Pornography, Guilt, and the Ministry (Part 2 of 3)
- Posted by: Todd
- Posted on: Thu, May 12, 2005
- Viewed 340
- (8) comments so far
During the next year, Tom fell once - and that only momentarily. He then wrote his story for publication. Five years later, Tom re-read his original article in preparation for a follow-up story. The extent of Tom's spiritual and emotional healing is captured in his extraordinary words, "I had forgotten how completely sex had dominated my life." Christ was
true to His promise.
The Larger Issue: Removing Guilt
One of the positive aspects of Tom's story is that despite all his years of inner turmoil, he didn't try to redefine morality in order to remove his guilt. Marriages have dissolved because men, caught up in obsessions like Tom's, have utterly lost their moral compass. Boundaries of what is considered right are enlarged. Boundaries of what is considered wrong are pushed further away. Con?sequently, behavior that was once considered wrong no longer produces guilt. This thinking is commonplace today.
Bill Clinton's very first contro?versy as President, involving gays in the military, is a good example. The homosexual position is contained in the manifesto given to the president-elect's transition team entitled, "Gay, Lesbian and ######## Military Freedom Pro?ject: Recommendations for Accept?ing Homosexuals and Bisexuals into the U.S. Armed Forces." Boiled down, their objective is easy to understand. A military affairs writer for the Chicago Tri?bune summarized, "To avoid breaking the law, the gay agenda recommends changing the law..."
When we stand condemned, we are all prone to question the standard that judges us guilty. Yet as ironic as it may seem, weaken?ing the standards of right and wrong only diminishes our chances for recovery. As has been said, the greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none.
The fact is, virtually all of us experience twinges of guilt and shame because of the improper activities we engage in, whatever form they may take. But there is no shame in admitting that the activity is wrong and that the moral standard is right. Better immoral behavior with guilt than immorality without it. For without guilt, there can be no return to morality.
Learning from Tom
For Tom, the turning point came when his sense of right and wrong and self-condemnation were the strongest. He knew that what he was engaged in was wrong and it left him miserable. His sense of morality shouted to him that there was a better way. Ultimately, it drove him in des?peration to beseech the mercy of God with an urgency he never had before. Yet in that private process of confession and divine grace, moral standards for human conduct were reinforced and became the goal.
Since those momentous days, Tom's outlook on life has indeed changed. In his second article written five years later, Tom con?cluded, "I have only one option: to seek God with all my heart, so that God may continue his process of healing and bring me to sexual fulfillment - at home, with my wife, where I belong."
Guilt in Its Proper Perspective
Guilt is a terrible feeling. Fully admitted, it strips away any facade that would protect us from its pain. Nonetheless, without it, we are nothing more than brute beasts. A key reason Westley Allan Dodd (executed 1993) was sentenced to death by hanging for kidnapping, raping, and murdering three little boys was because he expressed no remorse during his trial. To the contrary, he told the jury that if he ever had the chance, he would do it again and "enjoy every minute of it."
Who needs guilt? We do. The question is, what do we do with it? Do we try to convince ourselves that what we are doing is not really all that bad? For those tired of bearing its weight, consider Christ's invitation, "Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." As French author E. Guerin discovered generations ago, "When the soul has laid down its faults at the feet of God, it feels as though it had wings."
Discussion
There are at least four components to Tom?s recovery. The first was fear. Tom was given a rare glimpse of the future when he met with his friend Steve and saw Steve?s debased condition. Second, more than just asking God to help him stop what he was doing, Tom asked God to help him replace what he was doing with something else. Third, Tom confessed his sin to his wife, bringing it out in the open where it lost its power. Fourth, throughout the time he was in sin?s grip, Tom never called evil good in order to eradicate his guilt.
Though Tom struggled with pornography, do you think that his path to freedom provides a universal blueprint for overcoming most any sin? Why or why not? What lessons have you learned in overcoming sin in your life?
--
? 2005 Kenneth C. Newberger
Ken Newberger, an experienced church conflict resolution specialist, earned his Th.M. from Dallas Theological Seminary, has ten years senior pastoral experience, and is in the dissertation phase for his Ph.D. in Conflict Analysis and Resolution at Nova Southeastern University, one of only two accredited doctoral programs of its kind in the United States. If your church needs help resolving conflict, if you need individual coaching, or if you would like to introduce a proactive conflict management system into your church, please visit Ken's website at www.ResolveChurchConflict.com or call 301-253-8877.
Shortly thereafter, Tom did two things. First, he read a book by Francois Mauriac. Mauriac, a Christian and Nobel prize winner from France, wrote about the depths of human depravity as well as personal purity. As a conse¬quence, Tom was motivated anew to humbly approach God in prayer acknowledging his weakness and the need for His strength to break the vicious cycle that held him. Mauriac reminded his readers of the words of Christ, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. “ Tom asked himself, “could He [God] substitute another thirst and another hunger for the one I had never filled?” He was willing to find out.
Comments
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BeHim on Thu, May 12, 2005
There are at least four components to Tom’s recovery. The first was fear. Tom was given a rare glimpse of the future when he met with his friend Steve and saw Steve’s debased condition. Second, more than just asking God to help him stop what he was doing, Tom asked God to help him replace what he was doing with something else. Third, Tom confessed his sin to his wife, bringing it out in the open where it lost its power. Fourth, throughout the time he was in sin’s grip, Tom never called evil good in order to eradicate his guilt.
Though Tom struggled with pornography, do you think that his path to freedom provides a universal blueprint for overcoming most any sin? Why or why not? What lessons have you learned in overcoming sin in your life?
BeHim responds:
There is a blueprint: The Word of God
Why? His Will be done on earth as it is in heaven (we are not addicted to porn in heaven)
What lessons?
Primary – we are indeed totally deprived (keep in mind, this was the BEGINNING of Tom’s recovery – fear was what drove Tom to seek answers and knowing and understanding total depravity is what set Tom on course to overcoming his addiction)
The primary lesson point in the article:
“Christian and Nobel prize winner from France, wrote about the depths of human depravity as well as personal purity.”
Although I disagree with some of Mauriac’s personal purity points, I applaud him for his knowledge and presentation of man’s depravity(TOTAL-will, mind, flesh, etc).
Christian counselors, pastors, leaders and believers (like Tom) will GROW when they first realize this primary knowledge - man is totally deprived! From there, Christian growth EXPLODES!
BeHim on Fri, May 13, 2005
BTW> The name of the book by Francois Mauriac is “What I Believe”
BeHim on Fri, May 13, 2005
Here’s a link for the original aricle from which this series is written:
http://www.ldolphin.org/lust.html
Rick on Mon, May 16, 2005
I think Tom found a key to freedom and healing. Confessing to a loving believer who’s ministry is reconciliation NOT condemnation.
We all need to understand that wordly sorrow (our pointing out someone’s sin) brings rebellion while godly sorrow (the Spirit’s leading in someone’s life) brings repentance. Love covers sin…it doesn’t search it out for public display.
Why isn’t it a common occurance in the typical chuch service or small group for folks to confess their sins?
Because they would be crucified and thrown out. People are afraid.
James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
2 Corinthians 7:10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
2 Corinthians 5:18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:
BeHim on Mon, May 16, 2005
RICK WRITES
Why isn’t it a common occurance in the typical chuch service or small group for folks to confess their sins?
James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
2 Corinthians 7:10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
2 Corinthians 5:18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:
BeHim Responds:
You bring up a point that is dear to my heart Rick. When I am asked to guest speak, I start with the deadly tongue: Back-biting, Tale Baring and Gossip (oh my!)
In this area of, we are no different and maybe even worse that “the world”. We are to be separate from the world (not doing the worldly-fleshly-carnal things the world does), yet we as Christians are most deadly with our tongue. We sacrifice and crucify so quickly and do not practice holding our tongue (James 1 My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment. 2For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. 3Indeed,[a] we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. 4Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. 5Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things.
See how great a forest a little fire kindles! 6And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. 7For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. 8But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 9With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. 10Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. 11Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? 12Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.)
Slander, Vain speech (gossip), back-biting and tale bearing are the most dangerous sins we as Christians can commence.
Back-biting: Talking bad about a person when they are not around.
Tale baring: Taking something that is told in private and telling another (many times done in the name of “prayer warrior”)
Vain Speech: (Gossip) is taking what the back biter and tale barer have said and telling others
But these are off-shoots of “SLANDER”, a term specifically used in describing LUCIFER’S attributes. The hierarchy would look like this:
Slander
Back-Biting
Tale Baring
Vain Speech
Gossip
Gossip is always the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc etc person to “hear” the story and spread it.
We are ALSO told in Scripture:
19In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.
11A serpent may bite when it is not charmed; The babbler is no different. 12The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious, But the lips of a fool shall swallow him up; 13The words of his mouth begin with foolishness, And the end of his talk is raving madness.
20Do not curse the king, even in your thought; Do not curse the rich, even in your bedroom; For a bird of the air may carry your voice, And a bird in flight may tell the matter.
The back biting sin root’s itself in pride and thinking to highly of one-self. Tearing others down with words builds the person tearing down up, even if it is done “right”. “Can you believe such and such said this”… Don’t talk about people, talk about places, events and ideas.
13A talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter.
9He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates friends.
I tell entire congregations, “hold your tongue”, don’t take what you hear from a person “Hey Joe, will you pray for me for such and such” and then go to the prayer group and in the name of “right” reveal the sin to others. This is the number one way tale baring and gossip is spread through the church - “Hey, pray for Jimmy, he is ..... (fill in the blank with the concealed sin). That and “did you hear” or “have you heard”.
Make it a habit to ask the person if they would mind if you had others pray for them and if you forget to ask, assume they do NOT want anyone else to know and they trusted you and you alone (a righteous person) to pray for them. If they want others to know and pray for them, they will tell them themselves.
Now I know some out there are saying…. “Are you serious, you’re telling people not to confess their sins?”
Yes and NO.
Yes, I am telling them to NOT bare their souls to back biters, tale bearers, gossipers, and slanderers. It doesn’t take long to note who they are and I highly recommend starting with the “lesser” sins to gain trust in the relationship and friendship. Confession is something that must be done in trust and encouragement. A tale bearer can destroy a person with their tongue.
No, I am not saying keep the matter to yourself and never confess to anyone. If there is no one (and don’t assume pastor’s aren’t tale bearers – many pastors will tell their wives or staff and guess what – it spreads from there). Be prudent with whom you bare your soul, you bare your deepest darkest secrets to the wrong person and you’ll feel ruined. Be wise with your spirit, you don’t need foolish men to do you more harm.
As for those who gossip, tale bare, back bite and slander (and you know if you do or not), don’t hide the sin, confront it, confess it and work to overcome it. There are many in the church that don’t even know it. It needs to be talked about. Especially in prayer groups!
BeHim on Thu, May 19, 2005
Boy! Talk about a Saddleback or Willow Creek and you get debate after debate, mention a sin that strikes a cord and everyone runs for the darkness.
1 out of every 3 pastors struggles with pornography, 1 out of every 2 male parishoneers struggles also and children (both male AND female) by the time they reach their first teenage year (13) will have experienced more sexual inuendos (SP?) or acts than any of the 2 previous generations before them (their grandparents and great grandparents).
Sexual immorality is the NUMBER 1 moral issue in the United States, bar none!
From it comes homosexuality, adultry, fornication, lewdness, lying, theft, murder, dishonor to it’s fullest extent, envy and coveteousness and of course, abortion!
Yet, only two Christians had anything to post on this blog (while others bring out dozens).
The silence speaks VOLUMES of our moral depravity in the church from not actually explaining what the Bible says and why (I suspect because according to an SBC poll conducted in 1992 pastors on average prayed 5 minutes a day and read their Bible less than 15 minutes a day and studied only 2-3 hours per week).
This disease is the fault of the leaders in the church!
Wake up Youth Pastors, you are truly the first line of defense!
Vince on Fri, May 27, 2005
In my life time I have struggled with lust and even pornography.
In the old days (before the internet) pornography was not easily accessable, thus you had to go find it at an adult store or 7-11 (which most Christians with even an ounce of self control would hesitate to go into a 7-11 for xxx). But in the last 10-12 years thanks to technology it is at the finger tips of most Americans.
For a while I had a problem with pornographic pop ups and emails. Boy was that a blessing (NOT).
But for my own protection I bought a filter from the American Family Association. Then I had my wife put in a password and asked her not to tell the password to anyone (including our kids and me).
Also, for the past 20 years I have had my best friend hold me accountable.
Most Pastors are afraid to talk about this temptation because of fear of attack and no one wants other people to think you are a pervert!!
But we are all human and have a flesh nature that is drawn away and enticed by sin if given the opportunity.
So the answer is ACCOUNTABILITY!
Thank God for a wife who prays for me and a friend who does the same. They keep me accountable.
Most of all, thank God for His Holy Spirit who convicts us of sin and warns us of temptation!!
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