Monday Morning Insights

Photo of Todd

    What if the Church were Run Like an Airline?

    --Valet parking:  $20 plus tip

    --No Bible charge: $10

    --Cell phone ringing during service:  $50 one time charge

    --Late to service fee:  $10/pp

    --"Sing that chorus one less time” request:  $20

    --Nursery diaper change fee:  $5/lb.

    --KJV upgrade to NIV:  $15

    --U-PIC the sermon topic:  $250

    --Hit job on the organist (rates vary per city/church)

    --Online tithing discount rate:  8%

    --Music Volume Up fee:  $20

    --Music Volume Down fee:  $20

    What would you add?

    (Like this post?  Pass it on on your blog… twitter it… forward to a friend… fine by me!  No surcharges or up-charges here!)


    I travel quite a bit, and have been watching all the up-charges that the airlines have been passing on to customers. From paying for the first checked bag, to fuel surcharges, to purchasing soft drinks, they have really socked it to the consumer with all the new charges. I was thinking... particularly during this economic trying time for many churches, maybe we should take some advice from the airlines. Here are some things that I think we could take from the airline world and apply to our churches that might help get us through these trying times:

    --First donut free; each additional donut is 75 cents.

    --All aisle seats are now $10/week. Back row premium seating available for $20 per week.

    --First ear plug is free. Additional earplugs just $5 each.

    --iPod rental with a Perry Noble sermon - $20 upcharge

    Oh... there's more...


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    1. RevJeff on Thu, December 11, 2008

      Don’t forget all of the corporate mergers and government bailouts….

    2. Carl Thomas on Thu, December 11, 2008

      You gotta have a get the pastor’s ear fee.

      Or a “I don’t want to complain but…” fee

      or a “your kid gets the solo in the musical” fee

      Or how bout a “Pastor uses your success as a sermon illustration” fee?

      The opportunities are endless.

    3. Gman on Thu, December 11, 2008

    4. Rick Boyne on Thu, December 11, 2008

      Thanks!  This is great.  Consider it stolen.

      How about the “not really singing; just moving your mouth” fee?

      Or the “I know it’s early/late/your day off, but I didn’t think you’d mind the call” fee?

    5. Rob on Thu, December 11, 2008

      One of your funniest posts ever….I’m reprinting it on my own blog and charging people $20 to read it!

      (Just kidding about the $20, but I did reprint it with credit to you, of course….)

      (I’m actually only charging $10, but I’ll send you $1.14 per read for your trouble….)

      Seriously,  I’m just a lay person who loves reading your site daily…even though it’s aimed at people working in ministry, you make it a fun stop every day for me.  Thanks!!

    6. Larry on Thu, December 11, 2008

      Control of the thermostat ,100.00 per service.

    7. Stretch Mark Mama on Thu, December 11, 2008

      That’s funny on so many levels.

      That diaper changing fee…is that the weight of the child or the weight of the diaper?

      Choose your special music performer: $20

      Real bread for communion: $1/chunk

      Real wine: $5/sip

      Jokes during the sermon: $10/each

    8. bishopdave on Thu, December 11, 2008

      Stretch Mark Mama,

      I think I’d pay the $20 if I could choose (OR BAN) the special music performer!!!

    9. Will Johnston on Fri, December 12, 2008

      Hillarious I love it!

    10. champ on Sat, December 13, 2008

      What if church wasn’t “RUN” at all? That’s the main problem in the first place!

    11. Greg S on Thu, December 18, 2008

      Prayer requests = $2 each.  However, discount bundles are available in groups of 5, 10 or 20.

      $50 fee per child for parents that choose not to volunteer at any Children or Youth events

      Reserved seating.  Front 7 rows (7 is a perfect # right?) are general admission.  The closer you sit to the back, the higher the rate.  See the seating chart in the bulletin.

      $10 Valet parking available upon request.  Oil change rates vary by vehicle and current tithing level.

    12. jason on Thu, December 18, 2008

      Pastor finishes sermon on time: $50.

      Out early enough to beat the lunch crowd: $25

    13. Peter Elliott on Wed, March 25, 2009

      I love the sense of humor. Perhaps a voucher to another church in the continental United States if they run out of coffee?

    14. Peeved Pastor on Wed, April 15, 2009

      Oh, I’ve got to link to this. Sorry I found it AFTER April 1st. would have been a great bulletin gag for our office manager.

      And unfortunately, far too true. Besides. I don’t want to get a hit man on the organist. On the guy who thinks “drums=LOUD” yes…


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