Monday Morning Insights

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    What’s Your Biggest Church Horror Story?

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    Seriously… what’s your story?  Have you worked for an abusive pastor or church?  Have you or a colleague suffered moral failure and tried to cover it up?  Have you seen people abused at the hands of the church.  Has something ever happened that made you want to run away and hide?

    I want to hear your story.  What I found is that by talking, (or writing in this case), it does help resolve some of the feelings; and it does help you to realize that you are not unique.  The church, at its very best, is heaven-like; at it’s very worst produces smoke that has to be just like the pit of hell.

    So… if you feel lead… share your story.  And feel free to do so anonymously.  Use a fake name and email address on this one if need be.  It’s ok.


    Here's the publisher's summary of this new book by Dr. Margaret Jones entitled: "Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Mainline Churches":

    Coming from a childhood marred by abuse and neglect, Margaret Jones sought comfort and safety in a community of faith. When conflict erupted within her congregation, clergy diverted attention away from their own mistakes by calling into question her emotional and mental stability. Accused of being the problem she was pushed out of church nearly shattering her faith, her life and her marriage. This is the story of one woman’s courageous struggle to recover from spiritual abuse and find justice for herself and her family.

    Unfortunately, it is not a problem in just mainline churches. I recently had a conversation with a friend in which we both shared our church horror stories. They are the things that soap operas are made of. (Actually, you couldn't put some of these stories on TV). And the more and more I talk with people in ministry, we all have our horror story of how we or someone close to use was screwed over by the church. I'm wondering... what's yours...

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    1. CindyK on Wed, May 06, 2009

      Mine Church horror story took place 33 years ago when I was 16, and it’s probably not as bad as some.


      I got involved in a Protestant youth group because my best friend went there.  My parents at the time were going to the Catholic Church.


      This Protestant Church was strong with the Masonic Order and the Order of the Eastern Star.  I got involved with the Rainbow Girls - their youth counterpart.


      I had no idea that this caused a ruckus, a young daughter of Catholics from a much lower economic and educational background going to this upscale Church, and attending Rainbow Girls.  I only learned of this facet of the troubles many years later from the Mother of my best friend.


      They didn’t like me.  At all.  They wanted me gone.  They believed that I was a ‘bad influence’ on their children, particularly their sons.


      One night at the youth group meeting, the son of a Deacon backed into my car, and broke the tail light.  I wasn’t even in the car at the time, and I didn’t care that much.  I took the car home and my dad fixed it for about 15 bucks.


      3 days later my parents received a letter in the mail from the Deacon who also happened to be a high powered lawyer in the city.  The letter stated that I had driven my car into his son’s car.  He was demanding around 300 bucks for damages to his son’s car.


      I went back to Church that following Sunday and was accosted by the Deacon in front many people.  A Deacon of the Church versus a 16 year old kid.  I didn’t get to stay for Sunday services.  I never went back.  No one called to ask why, I guess they knew.


      My life after that experience was a constant downward spiral, until I finally bottomed out.  I tried suicide at one point, though I didn’t succeed. 


      That last horrible experience at a Christian Church had turned my stomach on Christianity I was 47 years old, and by the grace of God born again at this blessed Church that I now work for.


      I am grateful for salvation, but I was headed down another path.  I pray for that Deacon, and his son now.  And that Church where it took place.

    2. J Byrd on Wed, May 06, 2009

      I don’t know if mine qualifies as a “horror story”, but I’d been pastoring a small church that God caused to explode.  When I came there were 40 people in worship and less than two years later we were averaging around 250 in two services.


      I thought everything was going great, until I began to be attacked.  Apparently, some of the original members, even those on the committee that called me, decided they didn’t like all these new people changing “their church”.


      Over the course of the next year I was told to “go back to the town the seminary was in that I attended” even though this was my home town.  I was told by the Chairman of the Deacons that “we could keep seeing people saved, but we need to send them somewhere else”.  I had another deacon say that he was going to do whatever it took to run me off and ruin my name so no other church would touch me.


      All this came to a head and I took two weeks off, after being accosted on a Sunday Morning, in the sanctuary, by the Chairman of Deacons.  I went to another town the next day to begin my “vacation” and was called by another deacon who told me that several of the power-brokers were trying to get out of paying me for my two weeks of vacation.


      I was hurt, but my wife was devastated by all this.  We seriously thought about leaving the ministry, but a year later, I’m still there.  Most of the those who caused me trouble have left the church, though they still try to defame myself and the church in our small town.


      We lost many people, especially those who were young Christians and got caught in the crossfire.  But God is good and we are growing again, seeing people’s lives changed, and experiencing His grace.

    3. CindyK on Wed, May 06, 2009

      JByrd that is very sad.   God bless you for sticking it out, and God bless those who prayerfully sought the truth.  Things like this can ruin young Christians of any age because it proves what they have heard about Christians their whole lives from the secular world.


      I pray and I know that God won’t let go of them.  He is ever faithful.  He will hold on to them for years if need be, until they are called back into the fold.


      Take care of yourself too, Pastor.

    4. Jan on Wed, May 06, 2009

      Hmmm… we’ve got a few. That said, we also could tell stories of lovely people who have given and given and given to us because they believed in us and what God was doing.


      So, that said, my youth pastor of 4 years ended up being a molester.  It was a large ministry and he targeted young girls (my friends!) who were from outside the church core families to prey upon.


      The church didn’t handle it well and never came out with the full story, so there are still people out there who believe that he was the innocent victim.


      But I know because the D.A. called me to ask if I had been molested by him.  This was a very prominent ministry that was being observed by people all over the country to find out how they did it.  Sad.  That said, looking back I can see his internal struggle.  And I really think he was trying to fight his immorality and eventually just gave in. 


      The first ministry we went to canned us, because basically the parents there really just weren’t believers.  The did the church thing, but they didn’t want their kids TOO involved.  But that said, we left 35 new believers behind, even though the pastor wouldn’t cover our backs and basically gave into peace at any price.  That ministry still struggles and goes through a youth pastor every two years.


      But we are still going strong in ministry.


      The church we’re at now is a restart and the first three years were literally hell on earth.  The same old story, people who say they want the church to grow and they have a heart for seeing the lost come to Christ, but really they just want things to stay the same and when change comes they fight it.


      But we’re older and wiser now, and just smarter in how we deal with these folks.  And now they are gone and we have a growing church.


      People are people.  Most aren’t all good or bad.  All of us like to believe we are right and all of us at one time or another are deceived or deceive ourselves.  So, I try to measure out grace even to the undeserving.  Church is a place for the wounded.  And hurt people, hurt people that’s for sure.


      But I love ministry.  And there’s nothing I’d rather be doing.

    5. Lawyer with a Gun on Thu, May 07, 2009

      These stories are sad, although I am encouraged that you have not become or remained bitter.


      I was a lawyer in private practice for six years before I came to work for a church.  In my first professional career, I got to see some of the fallout, usually from people who were hurt, angry, bitter, or all three. 


      Now, I am in a leadership position at the church.  I constantly remind myself that I can make decisions that negatively affect people for a very long time.  I feel like the young Solomon, asking God for wisdom daily so that I may make the right choice.

    6. Margaret W Jones on Thu, May 07, 2009

      Todd, thank you for featuring my book, Not of My Making. You are absolutely right that problems of bullying, scapegoating and misconduct occurs in all churches regardless of whether they are considered mainline, mainstream or evangelical. I also assume the problem exists in synagogues and mosques. People are people and people sin.


      In my own experience it took me by surprise that adults who were good people could be so mean. I thought I left that behind when I graduated from high school. I was so naive.


      The stories of growing churches echo my own experience. The people who have been members of a dying church resist growth even though they say they want it. I believe if the leadership had been educated about this phenomenon during our leadership seminar many of the problems could have been averted. I didn’t need to be run out of the church and blacklisted in all the other churches in my community. I, too, pray for all the people who injured me and hope they will gain insight into their behavior.


      My book, Not of My Making, is available from http://www.pluckpress.com or Amazon.com

    7. J Byrd on Thu, May 07, 2009

      Thanks CindyK, I’m in a small town with a strong masonic presence.  Let’s just say it makes for interesting politics.

    8. CindyK on Thu, May 07, 2009

      Lawyer with a Gun,


      I just want to bless you for saying that you are always prayerful about your decisions.


      And I wanted to quote my first Boss when I was 17 who always said “It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it”.  There is much wisdom in that.


      If you deny or rebuke someone in love it makes all the difference.  God Bless you!

    9. Jim on Thu, May 07, 2009

      I’m old enough, and I’ve been in ministry settings long enough that I’ve had numerous horrible situations by friends and colleagues alike.  Yet, the Church is the only institution whose CEO forwarned its employees to expect weeds to be sown in among the wheat after business hours by its most fierce competitor.   It doesn’t hurt less to know this truth, but it does explain alot when it happens.  Sadly, in too many congregations the weeds have overtaken the wheat.

    10. Lawyer with a Gun on Fri, May 08, 2009

      CindyK,


      Thanks for your kind and encouraging words.  Your story was encouraging because your committment to God was stronger than the hurt others caused you.  In the end, these experiences make us much stronger because we will ultimately focus on trusting God and yet, still loving his messengers.

    11. Charley Blom on Mon, May 11, 2009

      My favorite horror story, best told at night around a campfire is the one that features an organist/music director who has visions of personal kingdom building on their mind.


      many years ago my sister-in-law and her husband, were attending a church with a strong, shall we say entrenched, music director, Their senior pastor retired and the music director continued, and in the vaccum left with no senior pastor went into high gear to strengthen her position in the church. soon the music department was wagging the dog, and when a new senior pastor was called, he lasted less than a year. He had run into the Music Director. Then my sister-in-law, after informing me of this situation, said “why don’t you seek a call to our church it would be great?” Needless to say with all the stories she had told me, i walked, no ran away from seeking that call. I also shared with them that things would not change in the church until the Music Director was gone and they had a new person in that position, and a new Senior pastor.


      Then fast forward 30 years, and recently i was talking with a pastor who was licking his wounds from a brutal church fight, and the story came out, the main problem was the music director (not the same one) seeking to be the senior pastor without any of the responsibility. Same sone differernt verse.

    12. Todd Rhoades on Mon, May 18, 2009

      I’m trying, Adam.  They spammed me over 150 times over night, using multiple emails and IP addresses.  They are a real pain, and for some reason, my comment spam blocker isn’t picking them up.


      Thanks for your patience!


      Todd

    13. Pastor Shane on Mon, May 18, 2009

      I love the church.  It is and always has been a huge part of my life.  I have typed 3 different responses to this and each one of them broke my heart, so I deleted them.  Like all of you, I too have witnessed the heartache and pain inflicted by Christians on the body of Christ.  When I was in Bible College, I witnessed a Sunday night service, where the church argued for 45 minutes as to whether a Christmas tree should be allowed in the sanctuary (or not).  Life long church members were yelling at each other and people were walking out (never to return).  Anger ruled and Satan ran amuck.  To this day, I cringe as I reflect on the lessons I learned in that service.  “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought”  I Corinthians 1:10.  God bless you my friends

    14. James on Mon, May 18, 2009

      This may sound like fiction…but sadly is true.  My son and I were both on staff at the same church.  The pastor got involved in, and rose quickly in an MLM company.  He was making a small fortune by “signing up” church members and leaders into his “pyramid” scheme.  He even had a huge rally for the product in the church sanctuary, complete with pitch men yelling, “Do you want to be rich!”  He had elders recruiting people into the MLM who had come to them for spiritual counseling.  When I privately expressed concerns to the pastor about all that was happening, he terminated my employment as well as my son’s.  I am still in the ministry and doing well, unfortunately, my son isn’t.  So many bad things flow from “the root of all evil.”

    15. Big Bob on Mon, May 18, 2009

      I never thought that this would have been possible or that a church could get away with it. So here goes:


      We went to a rural church that needed a bi-vocational pastor. They also had a parsonage that had seen better days. It was a single wide mobile home on a lot across the street from the church. Since we had sold our house from where we moved, we made a deal, (a local attorney that the church retained gave us this information), with the church to where if they deeded the property to us so that it would be easier to finance. A land- home deal. That the property would revert to the church when I ceased being pastor of the church. And the church would get first opportunity to buy the house, if they wanted to.


      When I resigned and moved out of state, the attorney had the paperwork changed to read that the house would revert back to the church. Unfortunately, we had the house built for us, BRAND NEW. Our question was how can something revert or go back when it was never there in the first place.


      The church members knew that the property upon which our house was placed had been taked off of the tax roles almost 20 years earlier. It was found out after we left and the church wanted to get the house that was stolen from us, back in the churches name. When the county auditor found out that 20 years of back taxes, fines and penalties came to about $200,000. It was a nightmare for us and the church had to sell the house and property as well as most of their savings. All because they thought they could get one by on the county. But it was stealing, plain and simple.

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