Take a break from Church ministry.  This is not a sign of failure, but strength.  Your first ministry field is your family.  You can reevaluate the future of your ministry when you take a step back and deal with the issues in ministry that have soured your wife.

Do it for you family, but also for your church.  You cannot be at your best in ministry if their is conflict at home about ministry. Your church deserves your quality attention and if you can’t give it take some time off until you are able to.

Good suggestions.  My wife and I are currently NOT in an associate position.  We’ve had our share of “bangs and bruises” over the years.  Listen to your wife. 

We’re not currently in full-time ministry because of a Sr. Pastor changeover.  In our fellowship, when the Sr. Pastor resigns, all ministerial staff tender their resignations pending the selection of a new Sr. man.  In my case, when he was elected......he accepted my resignation.  Two weeks after he arrived.  Go figure.  Didn’t say I AGREED with this mentality, just that I comply.

ANYWAY....my point is....trying to get involved in another church locally on a lay ministry level is a bit tricky.  It’s been over a year now, and even though I’ve offered to do just about anything needed, ....my offers go unaccepted.  No bad history, no bad feelings...we love and appreciate the pastoral staff and socialize with them when possible.  Still....we just sit....waiting.  About ready to move on to another church......there are few to choose from.

Just comments.

WJM

You really need to get on your face and pour your heart out to Father while seeking His guidance in giving you wisdom and the grace ability to turn the focus of your life and ministry exclusively to the needs of your wife, yourself and your relationship!

After 25 years in ministry while pastoring a Church in the Bible Belt I met with circumstances that brought my wife to the complete end of her ability to endure life in Church Leadership any longer.  I was guilty of having placed my calling and the Ministry as the top priority in life for me and lived with a non discerning assumption that because we began together that way, it was the same for my wife.  The truth was that I was available 24/7 relationally and spiritually for everyone else while neglecting the love, practical life and spiritual needs of my family.

I will not plague you with the details for they are too terrifying and convoluted to do justice by way of explanation here.  But the end result was that when I was blessed to be where you are at this moment seeking counsel from other Pastors, I could not let go of what my life had been all about and how I defined myself as a man of God.  The result of my foolishness and religiosity cost me and my family everything.  We ended up burying the Church right along with my marriage.  Yes, my wife walked away from the Lord, the ministry and me. 

I disqualified myself from ministry at that point believing I had failed God, the Church, my wife and kids.  But it was too late for restoration to come with my wife.

God is good and in His mercy He has seen fit to draw my ex-wife back to Him but for whatever reason did not make it possible for our restoration.

I have been blessed since then with a wonderful wife and completely restored.  While I am grateful for the character building experience and growth that has come from this tragedy because he does work all things for our good....;the high road and best thing for me to have done would have been to instantly let go of ministry to care for my wife and family.

We cannot give away what we do not have and if our own marriage is lacking fulfillment in Him our ministry is destined for even worse.

“God is good and in His mercy He has seen fit to draw my ex-wife back to Him but for whatever reason did not make it possible for our restoration.”

JCE - Man, I don’t want to dump on you, but come on, can we really blame God for you and your former wife not getting back together?  I don’t believe God is a fan of divorce; however he is a fan of restoration and provides ALL grace for such issues in our lives.  If you didn’t want to be restored with her or her with you, at least have some honesty about it and put the blame on your shoulders and not on Gods. 

In Love,
Al

Al,

Yes, it was not the best choice of words for me to say God did not make it possible for our restoration. Without question He has made the way possible and longs for restoration in these situations always. I believe my heart is pure in saying I was not blaming Him for our not getting back together.

I spent four years out of ministry with my life entirely given to the single goal of reconciliation and restoration of my marriage. To the best of my understanding, and according to the counsel and oversight of spiritual leaders in my life, I did all that I could possibly do to bring that restoration. In the end the decision was out of my hands.

You have no clue about the degree to which I have accepted blame for this devastating experience.  But I have forgiven my ex-wife and have even forgiven myself. For you to write the following;

“If you didn’t want to be restored with her or her with you, at least have some honesty about it and put the blame on your shoulders and not on Gods.”

with absolutely zero knowledge concerning the level of my honesty and integrity, is to say the least, lacking wisdom of spiritual maturity.  But, that’s okay, and I appreciate your tenacity and uncompromising insistance on being real and honest. I am not above needing to be called into accountability in this arena, so thank you for your challenge.

I could share so much more but this place is for encouraging another Pastor toward the high road in Jesus for his marriage and does not need to be lttered with the wounds and scars of mine or anyone else’s.

Pete,

Calm down, I was giving JC an opportunity to make his statement clear.  I did not want others to infer by what he first said that he was blaming God and I believe his response was very clear to the point that he wasn’t.  Nor did I ever even mention the issue of “divorce sin bandwagon.” Hey, my purpose was not to castigate his mistakes, Lord knows I am full of them; my point was to clear up the point about blaming God for OUR mistakes. 

JCE,

Thank you JC for taking the time to clarify your first statement.  I do realize this is not the forum for such a discussion, but felt it necessary to give you an honest picture of what I saw.  No offence meant and from your response I can see no offence was taken.

Many blessings,
Al

Bless you Jim,

I love your spirit and I have learned personally from your openness!

Anyone comes after you know this, you will not stand alone I will stand with you.

All the best,
Al Stefan

After more that 90 days, I have to revisit this post. Still wondering what ever happened to the pastor and wife who were destined to get out of the ministry and do something else, Lord willing. Any comments to help this couple deceide on the Lord’s call?

LY,

I am so sorry you and your husband have had to spend 7 years of your lives ministering with the hope and dream for realizing your calling as Pastors not being fulfilled.

I would like to suggest that you consider the possibility these past 7 years have been used of the Lord in your lives for the making of the man and woman of God He desires you to be, and preparing you for future service in His kingdom, regardless of the fact that you have not received the mentoring, equipping, nurturing and provisional support you should have from your Pastor.

Because I know neither you nor your Pastor, I am not in a place to speak concerning whether or not he truly is a Pastor or has or has not been faithful to doing the work of a Pastor in your lives.  But it is obvious by your plea that the two of you have at least been left feeling as though your development process and provision has largely been neglected.  This may very well be the unpleasant reality of your circumstance.  I say this because I know far too well that the vast majority of those walking in the position of Pastor in American Churches fall extremely short of that calling and ministry where it comes to mentoring, equipping, providing for and releasing others into what the Lord has called them to do in His kingdom.

The first thing I would highly recommend is for you and your husband to get together and lay all of your feelings out on the table...the good, the bad and the ugly of them, concerning the last 7 years, your feelings of burn-out, the deferred hopes that are making your hearts sick, and how you truly feel toward your Pastor right now because of all of this stuff.

GET REAL AND GET HONEST WITH EACH OTHER AND GOD!!!!

Then, seek His face in prayer together.  Tell the lord what you are feeling. He can handle it. Then ask Him for the grace and strength to take whatever thoughts of hurt, anger, frustration or bitterness you may be feeling captive; and then reject those thoughts and ask Him to fill you with His peace and renew your hearts with love, acceptance and forgiveness for your Pastor.

Then it would be good for you both to actually spend a season of prayer together for your Pastor and God’s plan, calling and purposes for his life, his family and the ministry of your church.

When you have sincerely done these things I believe your lives will begin the process of renewal and refreshing you need.

It is a good thing that you are going to spend a season focusing on your marriage and your family! But without your coming together in a get real time of dealing with all of these issues and pursuing a complete release from any sense of woundedness, you will be setting yourselves up for more pain in the future when you return to ministry.  In other words, God is going to make sure you get it completely dealt with...now...or later.

It will leave a scar behind for sure.  But a scar is so much better than an open wound. In fact, I will go so far as to say our wounds disqualify us from ministry...but our scars qualify us for ministry. This is because a scar is evidence that healing has taken place.

Bless you and your husband and don’t forget to remember and rejoice over the wonderful experiences you have already had together touching and being touched by the lives of the children you have served these 7 years.

In Him, By Him, For Him,

Jim Eaton

Being in the minority, my situation is that of a HUSBAND who is ready to “give up” on church because of his loss of trust in church people who’ve behaved badly.  I encourage him to remember the joy in serving the Lord.  I make sure that he gets credit when credit is due.  He is my best friend and greatest supporter.  Sometimes I think it hurts him more than it hurts me when I run into “glass ceilings/walls” in the church.  Ministry is tough, however, the reward of your life making a difference in the life of someone else is priceless!  May God give you the strength and grace to press on!

I think any of us who have spent time in ministry have battle scars.  It does not surprise me that many ministers have had divorces, affairs, wayward children etc...the enemy loves to kill rob and destroy.  But to get back to the intial question when your spouse wants out what do you do?  Our wives are God’s gift to us.  They are emotional beings.  The ministry is emotionally exhausting.  If your wife is running on empty, it will not do any good to keep pushing her.  You run the risk of losing her forever.  Not only to the ministry and the kingdom of God, but losing her as a partner as a help mate for life even if you manage to stay together.  She will become bitter against, God, against the church, and against you.  As men and as warriors for the Lord we don’t want to quit or be percieved as weak and unable to manage our household, but truth be told how effective can we be without our wife’s support?  She is our help mate, she completes us and makes us better.  We need to love our wives as Christ loved the church, we need to protect her and cherish her.  Sometimes, all we need is a vacation, a change of scenery, less stress, a fresh start.  If you both are called to the ministry, her fire will come back.  What she needs most is some compassion and understanding from her husband, and time alone with God.  Give her time to step away and gain perspective.  Give her time to relax and regroup.  Give her time to miss the ministry, give her time to be ministered to by someone other than you.  I believe our primary ministry is to our family, and as Paul says no man harms his own body, but takes care of it and so we must do for our spouse.  Take care of her, and God will honor and bless you for it.