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Conflict? Ask Ken: How to Select a Competent Church Mediator
Orginally published on Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 8:30 AM
by Todd Rhoades
This week, I am excerpting three sentences from a recent email I received from a senior pastor who was inquiring about my services. He decided not to turn to his denomination for help. He wrote, in part, “Our denomination has a state staff which is available for mediation and conflict resolution. But my honest opinion is that they know just enough to be dangerous. I’ve not worked with them because every church I know of where they’ve "helped" has ended up worse than before they intervened...”
Last week, I extolled mediation as the divine pattern for reconciling sinners to God, and therefore the pattern most appropriate for us in sorting through our interpersonal conflicts. Nevertheless, the reason I bring attention to this senior pastor?s observation is to emphasize the important point that not all peacemakers are worthy of their name.I can speak from personal experience when I served as a senior pastor several years ago. After more than five years of ministry, conflict emerged in my church. The denominational person responsible for my geographical area was tied up with other churches in conflict. He asked a fellow pastor in the region to help in our situation. This pastor called himself a mediator and indicated that he had experience in this field. I knew nothing about what was involved and naively assumed that he knew what he was doing. After one personal meeting at the very beginning of his involvement, weeks went by without any word. My wife used to ask me, ?why aren?t we hearing anything.? I told her not to worry. I finally received a phone call from the mediator in order to ask me two or three questions. The conversation was not long. More time passed and we heard nothing. My wife kept asking me, ?why aren?t we hearing anything?? I had no idea what was going on. Finally, I received a brief informational call by the mediator. Shortly thereafter, a ?Mediation Report? was issued. The matter was officially over and so were my days at that church. We were flabbergasted by a process which, among other things, never brought the disputing sides together, not even once! Though the specific details in my case have their unique features, my overall experience is little different than what the senior pastor above expressed.
Should you ever need the assistance of a mediator for your church, how can you make a wise choice? I offer you three guidelines:
1) Require the mediator to provide you with an outline of the process he intends to use from beginning to end. The more understandable the process is to all sides, the less energy has to expended on being concerned about what?s going to happen next and the more energy can be focused on addressing the issues at hand. If the mediator can?t tell you the process he intends to follow, and the rationale behind it, look elsewhere.
2) If the end of his process involves an investigative ?report? to the congregation with the findings of the ?mediator? watch out. Such reports typically assign blame. This may be appropriate for an arbitrator, who by necessity must make judgments on the past. It should not be, however, what a mediator strives to do. The disputing parties are already finding fault with each other. For the mediator to do the same is, in reality, little different than becoming another disputant. Look, therefore, for a person whose primary questions are, "where does the church go from here?" and "how can we get there in as collaborative a fashion as possible?"
3) Look to the training and experience of the conflict resolution specialist. One who is experienced in interpersonal mediation, may have no experience in an organizational setting such as a church where a much larger number of people are involved. One who is experienced in organizational settings may have no experience working with churches. More than just facilitating a process, churches need mediators who understand how congregations operate as well as church culture, theology, etc. To the extent that they have experienced congregational life from all sides: member, lay elder, pastoral staff member, the better they can relate to the concerns of all involved.
The truth of the matter is, anyone can call themselves a ?mediator? as my wife and I painfully learned. Not everyone is. Discerning those who are worthy of the title from the rest can be the crucial difference between conflicts that are constructively resolved and those that are not.
Ken Newberger, an experienced church conflict resolution specialist, earned his Th.M. from Dallas Theological Seminary, has ten years senior pastoral experience, and is in the dissertation phase for his Ph.D. in Conflict Analysis and Resolution at Nova Southeastern University, one of only two accredited doctoral programs of its kind in the United States. If your church needs individualized help, please visit Ken's website or call 301-253-8877.
Copyright 2004 Kenneth C. Newberger
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Posted by Bernie Dehler
Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 10:07 AM
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Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 11:16 AM
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Posted by Todd Rhoades
Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 11:44 AM
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Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 4:01 PM
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Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 4:04 PM
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Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 4:40 PM
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Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 6:42 PM
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Posted by Todd Rhoades
Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 7:15 PM
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Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 9:37 PM
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Posted by Bernie Dehler
Friday, December 17, 2004 at 10:36 AM
Post Your Comments:Author says:
“I knew nothing about what was involved and naively assumed that he knew what he was doing.”
This is the root-cause for many problems in ministry or business. You can’t assume anything. As President Reagan said, “trust, but verify” (in regards to nuclear disarmament with Russia, but applies in all business/ministry relationships too).
...Bernie
http://www.FreeGoodNews.com
This may be overly simplistic, and I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but I just think in terms of black and white on the issue of church conflict.
If it is a parishoner v. pastor situation, it’s really simple. The Pastor is God’s man in that house. Especially in light of yesterday’s discussion, I feel the need to reinforce that. Pastors are not just regular guys, as much as they want to be, or we want them to be. They are God’s authority over a people. We get so afraid of spiritual abuse allegations that we neuter our pastors’ abilities to handle conflict. It’s real simple: he’s the boss, you’re not, and if you don’t like it, leave. I think it’s ridiculous to challenge a pastor or get factions together for the purpose of displacing him. The idea that congregations even have a say in who the pastor is, in itself, is crazy. I don’t want to be elected by man, I want to be chosen and placed by God. This culture has no reverence or respect for leadership. so, conflict resolution between people and Pastors is simple: If there are differences, the parishoner submits, or leaves. Either way, it is on the parishoner to make things right and handle things properly. It is on the pastor to love the person and to build bridges without compromising vision or mission.
As far as parishoners fighting amongst themselves go, I once heard a story about a worship guy who had conflicts in his choir. He got them all in a room together, and served them communion. He then emphasized 1 Corinthians 11:29 “For anyone who eats and drinks without recognizing the body of the Lord eats and drinks judgment on himself.” Before they could even pray for the elements, tearful confessions and repentance took place, and unity was restored. I think that if hearing the truth of the word doesn’t bring resolution and repentance, offer grace, but kindly ask them to step away from ministry involvement, etc. If they start rallying people to their cause, run them out of the church and sternly warn anyone else involved to cease activities. Sometimes, we just have to eliminate the sources of the conflict to resolve it.
I don’t know. I think I’ve been pretty harsh here, and I’m sorry if this has offended anyone, but I just think of what kind of medicine Paul would have dealt out were he to see some of the pride of the church today. Parishoners don’t own pastors or each other, God owns them all, and a little bit of respect, reverence, and holy conviction and humbling would be good for them. Pastors, preach the gospel, don’t compromise, and don’t take a lot of (pardon the language)crap from people who don’t understand spiritual authority. Sometimes you have to gently and lovingly console someone, but sometimes, you need to bite too, and protect your church from destructive people. Don’t be afraid to slap ‘em around sometimes too.
Hi John,
There’s only one problem with this:
“If it is a parishoner v. pastor situation, it’s really simple. The Pastor is God’s man in that house. Especially in light of yesterday’s discussion, I feel the need to reinforce that. “
Sometimes, pastors are wrong.
“Sometimes you have to gently and lovingly console someone, but sometimes, you need to bite too, and protect your church from destructive people.”
Sometimes, the destructive person is the pastor.
In other words, pastors are not perfect either. That’s where accountability comes in (another topic we’ve discussed at this blog before).
Any other thoughts?
Todd
John,
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Modern Christians (if they can be called Christians at all) have no concept of submitting to authority. God sets leaders in the church. People should either follow them or get out of the way. I have no desire to run the lives of people at the church I pastor, but I will lead the church with the authority that God gives me.
One more thing...pastors aren’t perfect, and I don’t know one who would claim to be. However, some church folks seem to think they have some spiritual gift that allows them to go around pointing out the pastor’s faults all the time. They DO have a spiritual gift, and it come from Satan himself...it is called REBELLION!
I would like to make a personal observation if I could.
I have found that the most vulnerable time for a minister is when he is “new” to the congregation. Especially in the first 2-3 years. Since he does not have a “history” with the people he is basically depending on their commitment to the “office” of a pastor to get him through any major conflicts. This can be especially damaging when someone in the church, who has been there for years, decides to challenge a pastor. The pastor in this position does not have the “clout” to challenge any untrue or slanderous comments made about him - for to do so only makes him look guilty. “If he was really innocent, then why would he react so strongly?” – becomes the thinking of some. The damage is done either way and his only recourse in those times is either to wait it out, move on, or create a huge church division. His ministry will suffer in any case and in most cases the “heart” goes out of what he is doing.
IMHO
Blessings,
Al
Todd and others,
In response:
“Sometimes, pastors are wrong.”
Maybe. Granted all of us, no matter what the position we’re in, will make mistakes and be in the wrong. However, I don’t de-value the office or authority of the President just because he does things I think are wrong. I have absolutely NO authority to tell my pastor he is wrong. He is not just a man in the Kingdom, he is God’s chosen leader for that house, and I need to follow that. I trust God that the Holy Spirit will either convict him of his wrong, or remove him from the office.
“Sometimes, the destructive person is the pastor.”
Once again, not my authority to be critical. I reverence and espect the office of Pastor, and if there is a situation where he(the Pastor) is destructive, God will not let it destroy me or the church if we all keep our eyes on Him.
“In other words, pastors are not perfect either. That’s where accountability comes in (another topic we’ve discussed at this blog before).”
I agree, but let me ask an honest question. Is this discussion symptomatic of a larger cultural infiltration into the church? I agree it is not healthy to elevate Evangelical Pastors to the level that the Catholics elevate their spiritual leaders. It is simply not right to exalt a man, and I am not suggesting we do. BUT, have we gone too far the other way, where we call the pastor by his first name, think of him as a buddy, and completely casualize(like that word?)our relationship to spiritual authority? The world hates authorities. They hate the fact that they aren’t God themselves. We all, if we’re honest, by nature, rebellious and hateful of anyone who is above us in position or status. We all want to be number 1. We despise leadership, because we al want to be a part of it. That is why socialism and secularism have invaded America. It is man’s pride versus God’s authority structure. So, we want to be buddies and eliminate any kind of spiritual authority gap between myself and my Pastor. We try to be buddies. And, since a lot of Pastors are emotionally insecure and desperate for friends, they go along with it instead of knowing where to draw the lines between friendship and leadership. How is my Pastor going to lead me if we’re buddies? I love the pastor I’m serving under, and I joke around with and have good relationship with him, but, the bottom line, he is my covering and spiritual authority. Although I may know him, and love him, the fact remains, he has the right to bring reproof and correction, as well as bring guidance and instruction to me, so that I might be fruitful. The Kingdom of God is not Socialism. It is a Kingdom. And I have those in authority above me. I am not a free agent. When I signed up to be saved and be assimilated into Christ’s body, I signed up to place myself under spiritual authority. That means three things:
1. I don’t EVER try to snake or go over my Pastor.
2. I don’t rally others to stage a coup and try to usurp spiritual authority that is NOT MINE!
3. I don’t bicker with others in the church out of respect for the unity of the body.
As I see it, if the Pastor is the problem, the parishoner who is conflicted should just leave quietly, without causing a further issue. Let the Holy Spirit expose the wrongdoing in His time. Believe me, I’ve seen this happen. Pastors don’t get away with anything forever, and sooner or later, since God is just, HE will expose and correct His pastors.
John,
I’m not encouraging anyone staging an insurrection of their pastor. I’m not advocating that pastors don’t have authority in the local church. What I am saying is that pastors and church staff people are human, just like the parishoners they serve.
For example, I can think of two specific examples of senior pastors who were caught in blatent sin (moral in nature, on an on-going basis). For me, as a staff member or as a church member to ‘leave quietly’ and let the sin continue in the church would be a sin on my part. The new testament is very clear on what needs to happen when an accusation is made against an elder. Since there are instuctions for that; I would assume that there are times (particularly involving sin) that elders and pastors ARE to be confronted. Christ loves the church, and is not pleased when sin is allowed in the ranks.
That still does not give me the right to ridicule the pastor, complain that the sermons are too long, make demands, and play havoc with his family. That’s nonsense that goes on in way too many churches. That kind of behavior should be squashed. But when it comes to the matter of sin… and I’m talking biblically spelled out sin… it is necessary to take action and not just walk away. The integrity of Christ’s church demands it (in my opinion).
That’s why I completely disagree with your last paragraph, John, when you say:
“As I see it, if the Pastor is the problem, the parishoner who is conflicted should just leave quietly, without causing a further issue. Let the Holy Spirit expose the wrongdoing in His time. Believe me, I’ve seen this happen. Pastors don’t get away with anything forever, and sooner or later, since God is just, HE will expose and correct His pastors.”
How exactly will the Holy Spirit expose the wrongdoing when there is sin if everyone just turns their head and walks away? My feeling (and maybe because it’s because I’ve been there) is that the Holy Spirit might just choose me (or you) to expose sin. Even sin, God forbid, when it involves the pastor and/or paid staff.
Just my 2 cents worth? Anyone else have an opinion?
Todd
“If the Pastor sins...”
If a Pastor is in Sin the proper course of “action” would lay on the “elders” of the church. They have as co-leaders in the church the to obligation approach/confront the Pastor in a spirit of humility. They should approach the topic with questions and not accusations and they should give the Pastor all the benefit of the doubt until completely convinced that he has done wrong. I believe the HS can give the wisdom in each case to do just that.
Finally, the welfare of the Gospel and the Church Family should be the first consideration in the final resolution/restoration of the issue at hand. If that means the Pastor should leave then a way should be found that minimizes the effect without ignoring the truth of the situation.
IMO
Blessings,
Al
The Senior Pastor is not only the Chief Shephard, but also the Chief Servant.
Jesus demonstrated this at the foot washing. It would be a good exercise for senior Pastors to practice this yearly, to identify more closely with Jesus as a shephard. I grew up in the Catholic Church, and I think our Pastor did this yearly. I think I’ve seen this done before in Protestant Churches also, but it’s very rare.
Who wants to be the Head? Who wants to be “first” amongst us? They need to read this from our Lord:
Mark 9:35
Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.”
...Bernie
http://www.FreeGoodNews.com
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