My main ones are this:

1.  If there is a woman in my office for ANY reason, my window is open.  If it is a counseling situation I tell one of the ladies at the church (I am the only staff, but we house a Christian high school, so I tell the secretary or one of the other ladies) that I have a lady in my office and I would be grateful if they’d peek into the window once in a while or even poke their head into the office to say hi.

2.  If I’m giving a ride to a woman (usually someone who doesn’t have a car in cold weather or something like that) I immediately call my wife and let her know - while the lady is in the vehicle so she knows that my wife knows.

3.  I have the BSafe filter on my computer.  It’s a VERY tough filter, but I’m willing to put up with not being able to go to Sports Illustrated.com and a few others.  My wife has the password.  I don’t.

4.  I use (triplexchurch).com’s accountability software, and my accountability partner gets a report every 2 weeks.  (Had to change the address because Todd’s server rejected the actual spelling.  That’s cool!)

I was reading at Craig’s posting and was surprised at the flack he and others are getting, especially from some of the ladies who feel that we are simply weak, or that our safeguards imply that all woman are out to seduce pastors.

Become friends with your wife. This requires thoughtfulness and effort but the results are worth the energy. Every day take time to serve her and encourage her to be her best. Focus her positive qualities - things you like about her. When you hold her in high esteem all others pale in interest.

Why would I ever trade off my valued relationship for a cheap thrill? 

“Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.”

My spouse and I have been together for 8 years and most of our close friends are of the opposite sex.  I’d estimate that 100% of our friends are mutual friends (I guess we’ve been blessed that way).  We both feel strongly that it’s not good to alienate people just because they are of the opposite sex or a certain race or a certain background (call us crazy).  Honestly, my spouse would think it was odd if I started hanging out with a gender-specific crowd (my spouse has told me that before) and my spouse definitely isn’t that comfortable hanging out with a gender specific crowd either.  We just hang out with people who are ‘people’.  We tend to not have much in common with the Southern Belles or the Alpha males (basically, people who see think that their identity is wrapped up in their gender).  We identify with people whose identity is in Christ, this may sound like a cheesy “we are the world” type of deal but it’s not.  We know the second anyone says, “That won’t happen to me...” that person has opened up themselves up even more to that specific ‘thing’ so we are not blind to that…

Here’s an interesting thought; we see our friends that are more in the secular realm have less restrictions in this area and they see less ‘moral failings’.  Why is that?

I think it’s possible that when we make things that are (in and of themselves) ‘normal’ suddenly ‘taboo’ we borrow trouble.  It’s like the ideas Michel Foucalt asserted when he basically said that trying to repress sexuality (or to make decisions based on things like gender, sexuality, alienating people because of their gender, etc...) was just enough of a move to bring sexuality to the forefront of our consciousnesses and whether you agree with everything he asserted or not (I don’t support everything he asserted) I think there is validity in that.  Basically, when we say “going out to lunch with a member of the opposite sex is harmful”, suddenly, we think of it in a different way; we could have had lunch MANY times with people of the opposite sex but NOW all of the sudden it has new meaning, it’s dangerous and edgy (even though it’s not at all). 

Especially when you look at people in the secular world you can see something quite interesting; I’ve had many friends over the years working very closely with members of the opposite sex (in retail environments, manufacturing, office admin, etc...) in which nothing is said about, “Never ride in a car alone/have lunch/talk to/walk in the same building with/etc…” with someone of the opposite sex and NONE have had any failings in that area or even come close.  That’s not to say that it hasn’t ever happened to anyone in the secular sector (I know it can), it just hasn’t been my experience in the people that I know. 

This is not to say that people don’t need to be careful, the enemy prowls around like a roaring lion.  We just want to make sure that we are honoring God with it.  We don’t want to turn into Pharisee’s who took God’s law, then piled a bunch of other ideas on top of that law (possibly with good intentions) only to place more emphasis on the new laws that were made up and not inherently ‘of God’.  It’s fine when we want to apply certain ‘made-up’ things to our own lives (and it can be helpful) but saying that everyone should behave the same way is a bit Pharisaical and we have to be VERY careful about that.  The world has seen quite a bit of that and I think we can all agree that it doesn’t help.  Again, if you want to make sure that you never ever grab some lunch with a member of the opposite sex then that’s your’ thing, but when we start saying, “you’re flirting with danger if you do…” then we are definitely (with the best of intentions) getting one step closer to having a Pharisee membership card handed to us…

Again, for some it’s totally fine, they struggle with certain things (or maybe they don’t struggle at all) and they would rather be called ‘legalistic’ than have the opportunity to make their spouse doubt them…

Personally, I try my best to keep the lines of communication open with my partner, answer every question directly and truthfully, and pray that God uses me to grant them the desires of their heart in the area of marriage. 

Todd, thank you for your awesome blog.  I enjoy reading all the different perspectives people have…

Viki’s thoughts are definitely worth examining as our culture changes.  I wonder how Jesus would have dealt with this idea at this point in time?  Jesus always seemed to find a wonderful 3rd option… Often, He would be presented with 2 options (like stone the woman or condone the sin or work on the Sabbath or stop doing ministry) and he would always find a third option… I feel like the answer wouldn’t be more restriction… This whole business about the ‘appearance of evil’ would have limited Jesus if he let it.  What’s wild is, from what I understand the exact Hebrew translation says, “avoid all FORMS of evil” and it was translated from ‘forms’ to ‘appearance’… The problem with that is that everything can be the ‘appearance’ of evil.  Seriously, we can be so crippled by worrying about how things ‘appear’ that we let it get in the way of ministry.  We should definitely be careful but we see that even Jesus was slandered because he hung out with prostitutes and other people deemed ‘undesirable’, He could have TOTALLY said, “me hanging out with prostitutes could give people the wrong idea” but what would have happened if He did actually abstain from hanging out with people different from Him?

The cool thing about the fact that it says ‘forms’ of evil and not ‘appearances’ of evil is that ‘forms’ are concrete.  “Appearance’ is something that could be ANYTHING and it could be used to back up any side that wanted to use it as an arguing tool.  BUT, ‘Forms’ are concrete.  That’s something that we can all smile about…

This is a great topic...1 Cor 10:12 addresses the arrogant and proud here: Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.

I am sure there is much guidance in this area, but one book that I found extremely helpful is by Jerry Jenkins called <A Href =http://www.amazon.com/Hedges-Loving-Marriage-Enough-Protect/dp/1581346646>"Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It</a>.” This should be required reading for anyone in any leadership role.

While most interactions are not intended to bring down a pastor, the devil is no fool, and having these controls makes it much harder for him to succeed.

When this though is carried through to the conclusion we really always have to be in threes? Remember the moral failures between men and men and women and women.
JAT
bLESSINGS,
mIKE

I think it’s smart to know your own boundaries and to agree on them as a couple.  I would call these “building fences” around God’s standards.

One fence might be never having lunch alone with the opposite sex.  Is having lunch alone with the opposite sex wrong?  No.  But if it is for you then it is.

I totally agree that we need to do what we need to do to remain pure and to not have the appearance of evil. 

But I also think we need to be careful to not apply our boundaries that are not God’s rules to other people.

I’ve seen Christians judge other Christians because one has a standard the other hasn’t adopted.

For us, we’ve been married for 27 years.  One thing that works for us is that we always tell each other if someone hits on us for instance.

Hey honey, you won’t believe what happened today.  This guy asked me this?  He was clearly trying to pick me up!

Then we have a good laugh and both of us knows that the opportunity was there and we aren’t going for it.

For us that works.  Would I say that every couple needs to do this?  No.  But it works for us.

Anyway, it’s nice to see Christian leaders who are committed to pure relationships and fidelity.  And it’s been very sad to see those who fell.

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Thanks for this coverage Todd.  The primary criticism that I have been hearing is that people want to hear what positive things I do to keep my marriage alive and not just the drastic measures.  I hope to post those too.

Blessings Man!

Shaun & Crew