I’m uncomfortable with 5, 6, and 8.  I can’t take my sister out to lunch?  What counts as travel?  What counts as ‘details’?  I’m probably nitpicking, but I’d qualify those a bunch, for starters.
A mentor of mine once recommended doing at least one thing a year that was marriage-oriented (e.g. attend a relationship seminar, read a book about communicating better together, etc.).  That seems like a good thing.  I would add two more commandments:
1- Know thyself (including your limitations, specific temptations, etc.)
2- Always always always be honest, not matter what (with the only possible exception being planning a date or surprise--in which case secrecy might be ok)

I think, on the whole, these are great guidelines.

The only one that I kind of smirk at is the one about never traveling alone.  I don’t exactly have resources Young has...so it’s pretty difficult for me to put up some funds just for someone else to fly accountability with me.  I think it’s a great concept and should be practiced whenever possible....but NEVER is not quite realistic for most of us.

I guess I would only add one to the very top.

I will maintain my devotional center on God alone, and in that way I am free to love my with the way he designed me to.

Blessings,
PA

As to sharing about my wife –

I don’t never have and I would consider that a breach of my vow to her.  If we needed to have “help” in discussing an issue we have agreed to find a good Christian therapist or Pastor who would be able to counsel us both. I might add that my wife does not share about me as well.  We have seen first hand what damage can be done when a spouse shares something private with another person, it breaks the bond of trust that is crucial in a marriage.  Sharing intimate details with a “friend” or “co-worker” about one’s spouse is a sure fire way to undermine your marriage.

PA

As well as the personal devotion I would add to pray with my spouse regularly and always, always talk in detail about ,and decide together, important decisions.

Big Amen to the chocolate Leonard!

At a Promise Keeper Conference at Washington D.C. Coach McCarthy (speaking on the Promise of Sexual Purity) asked the audience (50,000 men) to stand if sexual temptation/sin is the #1 issue between them and God.  He instructed us that If it was #2 please do not stand.  Only if it was the #1 impurity!

I DO NOT EXAGERATE ... 49,500 out of 50,000 stood up.  I will never forget it.  If you’re familiar with statistics ... a sample of 50,000 is way more than what is needed to say that this percentage will hold true for any other group of 50,000 men in the United States.

This problem is real ... it’s not talked about, preached about, and/or taught.  We need more honesty.

When I was interviewed for my pastorate on the first evening a gentleman (elder) asked me “what is it that you struggle with” or “where do you feel you need extra accoutability.” I responded by retelling that story of the PK conference.

They all shook their heads knowingly ... did not condemn me ... did not make me feel guilty or “dirty” ... and hired me.  It is so good to know that I’ve got friends to hold me accountable.

I think most Christian women would be shocked to know that 49,500 out of 50,000 men stood up at that conference that night.  This issue can only be solved by trusting God and for brothers and sisters with His Spirit in them to be honest, trust each other, pray for each other, teach each other, and hold each other accountable.

We cannot sweep this stuff under the rug anylonger.

It saddens me to think that someone can read a statistic that 49,500 out of 50,000 men at a Christian Conference would confess that sexual sin/temptation is their #1 issue that they struggle with and that you suggest that pastors who are trying desperately to avoid such issues themselves or in the church are acting “smugly.” It saddens me that you’re basically denying the 49,500 out of 50,000 possibility that your husband also suffers from this issue and that regardless of that reality you’re suggesting that a significant portion of women will feel mistreated if a pastor attempts to implement some constraints ON HIMSELF.  You’re suggestion that women would take men’s admission about their own affliction as a putdown to other women is really disturbing.

Your husband works all day with a women?  So?  Are you not aware, Sue, that the amount of adultery at the workplace (NO I did not say you’re husband is doing this) has increased to epic proportions?  This is the example you want to implement for our churches?  Have you not heard what these situations are doing to so many areas in our military? 

By the way, if you read the Bible you will discover that God places equal blame on both women and men for this sad state of who we’ve become in the area of sex.  Just a cursory read will tell you that this is an accurate portrayal of what God’s view on this is (on the subject of who is to “blame” for our infidelities.) Men and women stand equally quilty.  Yet, in the small sampling of men who are attempting to avoid this versus the women who would attempt to “guilt” men or question their motives for trying to remove some obstacles then in this particular sampling I would really questions the women’s motivations.

Oh yeah ... Billy Graham will not meet with women alone.  Doens’t seem to have hurt him any.  And isn’t it “strange” that his ministry is probably the brightest example we have in modern history of one that is authentic, genuine, and without integrity issues.  You don’t think that his handling of the sexual temptation issue has ANYTHING to do with God’s blessing on these areas of reputation?

We can blog all day and all night but unless God does something drastic we’re going to continually put this issue in some dark closet somewhere so we can blog about the next Jim Baker or Ted Haggard without realizing that these men are the exception ONLY in the fact that they allowed their issues to get the better of them and they got caught.

Phil, when I said “smugly” I was not referring to the 49,500 men who stood to confess their struggle with sexual temptation - I was referring to the pastors I have heard/read who profess their “rule” about never counseling a woman alone, or driving alone, etc.  Perhaps the word “smugly” is too inflammatory; I’ll withdraw it.

I do not mean to minimize the struggle people have with sexual temptation, nor to say that adultery doesn’t happen in the workplace.  I will say that it hasn’t happened, to my knowledge, in any of my husband’s workplaces over several decades, at least among colleagues.  But I admit I might not know all about that. 

I hear what you are saying about being “saddened” if you think that I am putting down nearly 50,000 men who admit what a struggle it is.  What I am saying is that there is more to consider, if you are the pastor, then just making a rule about women - and it saddens me enormously that this even has to be said:  that making a rule about keeping women in a different place - a different distance - from the pastor discriminates against half - probably more than half - of the congregation.

Frankly, given Billy Graham’s groundbreaking positions on race, for his time, I believe that if he were in his prime today he would NOT make such a rule.  I’m not suggesting that male pastors need to meet with all the women of the church individually behind closed doors, but I am suggesting that making a rule that only affects women isn’t doing the job.  Counsel in the library - but counsel everyone in the library.  Get a glass door, and only counsel when others are in the building.  Just consider what you do from a perspective that does justice to women as well as considers the possibility of sexual temptation.

--Sue

I asked a friend of mine to filter his computer.  He had mentioned he struggled with temptation but the idea of taking on the limit of searching, or restricting himself was almost too hard.  After we discussed it further, he agreed that the high price for a moment of sin was too much and decided to filter the computer before there was a problem.  Later he thanked me when one of his friends deeply wounded his wife by giving in to the temptation of the internet.  I speak with men all the time that would rather not filter their computers because of the inconvenience, but do so because of the potential danger. 

This is true too of meeting with women alone or riding with them alone in the car.  We have a policy that you cannot meet with a person of the opposite sex alone unless the following protocols are in place.  First, your supervisor needs to know you are having a meeting.  For me as the senior pastor I tell one of my associates.  Second, this cannot be a regular ongoing meeting.  Third, if you are married, your spouse has veto rights.  In other words I never meet with a female alone that my wife does not know first (before I set it up) and has not already approved.  If she disapproves I do not meet.  Fourth, we never meet in an office without an open door or window.  That means never.  Fifth, if this meeting is in public, we never sit at a restaurant that is poorly lit, considered a date place and that we do not set a bible on the table for others to see.  Finally we NEVER ride in a car alone.  The cost is too high.  Ed Young has the church and resources to never have to meet alone with another woman, we do not.  Billy Graham was not a pastor when he made these rules and his travel and ministry did not necessitate ongoing ministry to individuals in a pastoral role.  I agree fully with his rules and appreciate them entirely; they just do not fit perfectly in a pastoral situation.  That is why we have adapted them. 

This is too dangerous of an issue to simply trust ourselves to be good.  The heart is deceitful above all else… Every guy I know who has sinned in this area ignored the warning signs.  They edged closer and closer to the pit and then in the jumped.  Very few people sin big suddenly, we drift into it and then crash.  Guys who say, I love my wife, I won’t stumble in this area are playing with a lit fuse.  I gladly inconvenience my ministry for fidelity to my God and family and church.  It is not too high a price to pay.  I am also responsible in this situation not just protect my heart but also the heart of the other person.  I must never send the wrong message or receive the wrong message when sent. 

Finally I say that I have never had a woman feel insulted when I placed into effect the boundaries we use in ministry.  It is just the opposite.  They feel safer and more affirmed in their value because we valued them, they saw us value our wives, ministries, kids and most of all our God.  Phil, thanks for the passion on this, I feel it too.

Leonard - well said.

Thank you guys.  My last input on this (I hope) is the accusation of legalism!  Legalism is when someone says to right with God you have to do some sort of “work.” I didn’t read ANYTHING in this article that suggested his way was the only way.  I didn’t read anything in my post that suggested anything at all (as far as what steps to take etc etc) so how could I be accused of legalism?

I only pointed out that 99% of men struggle in this area and consider it their #1 issue of sin in their life.  Period.  To deny that reality is unfathomable.

If my tone was sharp as was suggested then I apologize for that. 

I do believe that both L and D made one great point that I’ve experienced as well in my whole 4 month pastoral ministry ... the women have appreciated it so much and felt so much safer for me to suggest that we need to have another woman in the room with us when counseling.  They’re getting equal access to the pastor and without (or should I say a much reduced chance) the chance of anything going awry from a sexual sin standpoint (NOT just in deed but in accusation as well.)

Again while I may have been sharp on occassion don’t let that discount the amount of times I said that I’m saddened and sad. 

If 99% of men feel this obstacle and it is almost never dealt with in our churches unless we like to jump on leaders who eventually fall ... then this is to OUR shame.

Last thing ... is it me or does a significant amount of couseling to couples revolve around infidelities?  That very point I’m making.  And an increasing amount of those infidelities are initiated by women by the way.  And if you’re raising teen sons (like my two) you will see a difference culture then when we grew up (I’m 47.) We (I) chased girls.  Today the girls chase the boys even to a greater degree than the other way around.  Both focuses are ungodly to the degree that they are focused on of course.

God’s peace to all and I do pray that this issue never rears its ugly head in your lives and your ministry.

Phil