Thank you for the article on Dealing with Difficult People. It has provided additional material for a seminar we teach here in Canada by the same title.
We begin the seminar by stating that the most difficutl person that we will ever have to deal with is ourselves.  We cannot change others, we can change how we relate to others. 
I have one caution to raise about the preceeding article: it may have a tendency to label or stereotype individulas that we are having difficulty relating to in life. I might be more appropriate to talk about tendencies towards particular attributes or habits.  That way we are not freezing the other in a response style.  How we view others will in fact change the way we approach them.  Taking responsibility for my part of the relationship will help me approach them with a greater ability to serve and set the example. 
I can only change me and trust that God will help me love others enough that they will choose to do the same. 

Thank God for His grace for change,

Alan

I have a question. How do you Biblically deal with someone that comes on Sunay mornings (sometimes), isn’t part of any ministry but complains about what is going on. Is there some kind of Biblical response to that person? I would love some feedback. feel free to email me with a response.

Darren asks about how to deal biblically with the critical part time attender. Love them! In most churches, relationships are based on conversations of only a few moments.  No depth is obtained.  I hear many complaints from ministers about part time attenders, but no one seems to be out there building relationships.  Most churches focus on running programs and do not meet the basic need for involvement in people’s lives.  How about calling the person up and having coffee with them, just to get to know them, and not trying to fix them, or “minister” to them?  Job’s friends did pretty well when they just sat with him.  It was when they tried to fix him that things went south.

The most difficult people in my congregation are the life-long members.  Those who remember and relish the past.  In a recent church council meeting one person said it best when commenting on a change I had made:  “We like it the way it used to be.” That could be our church slogan!  Or maybe: “A 19th Century church in the 21st Century”.  The chairman of our personnel committee gave me some great counsel last week when I was really blindsided by some criticism. (He’s a powerful corporate CFO).  He said any group of people is like the shape of a diamond.  At the bottom tip you have 10%. At the top tip you have 10% and in the middle you have 80%.  He said the bottom 10% are the hard-core “never changing” people.  The are stuck where they are and nothing short of a miracle or major life event is going to change that.  At the top you have the 10% that will eargerly accept any change and follow where they are led.  Just point them in a direction and say “let’s go!” and they will.  In the middle you have the other 80% that just want to be convinced, motivated, or led.  They will follow, usually after seeing the top 10% moving or when they are convinced the move is appropriate.  He told me “Lead the top 10%, focus on the 80%, and don’t let the bottom 10% get in the way”.  We agreed that the problem is that the bottom 10% make a lot of “noise” in the system which can distract, but realizing that the problem is theirs, and not mine, has been a great help. I find most of my truly difficult people are in that bottom 10%.  So I ask God to give me “noise-filtering” ears so that I can clearly hear His direction.

I think the “type” that I have the most trouble with is the Bubble Buster. It can be real work to get people’s enthusiasm levels up, but it only takes one off-handed remark to deflate it quickly.  What advice has helped?  Just the realistic statement made by Bob Scheffield, “2. Everybody becomes one to someone.” What have I done today that may have burst someone’s bubble?  How could I have acted differently?  How can I help to “reinflate” it?  Thanks.

Great comments by all.  Let me offer another resource that is also helpful:  Kenneth C. Haugk’s book “Antagonists In the Church.” I found this to be useful. 

Another tactic I learned came from Henry Blackaby’s “Experiencing God” Bible Study.  I learned that the way a congregation votes sometimes sets up a conflict.  When I see a potential division, I start saying:  “God is working in all of us and thus brings His perspective through us all.  Some of us see God moving in this action.  Some of you have voted against this action.  That tells us that we have not listened to God completely.  Maybe this action is the right action but not the right time.  Let’s discuss this further.” This has brought surprising results and unity. 

A lot of sincere, loving Christians become difficult because they feel they are left out or “losing control.” They generally are the older, long term members in my experience.  So I spend a lot of time listening to them, gaining their perspective and affirming them as persons.

There are a few people who have an agenda and will enter a fellowship with the goal of disruption.  They are often “attention deficit” types seeking to gain attention/power.  They will destroy a church if necessary to gain what they desire.  I am blessed that I have a strong core of leaders who have been with me when we had to deal with such persons.  Early identification using Jesus’ instructions on discipline works.  Also, we have a 90 probation period for all candidates for membership not only for discipling new converts but also for those transferring from other churches.  Membership is not automatic in our church.  One must prove one is a disciple of Christ.

Just my two cents worth.

Dan

Christianity is having faith in Jesus to the point that your life is transformed into the image of Jesus where you pick up your cross and lay it down in Jesus for your enemies.  Christianity is becoming one with Christ.  Anything else is hyprocrisy.  The righteousness does come from you or me it comes from Christ as the Scriptures say Abraham believed God and it was accounted to him for righteousness.  I look at Jesus on trial before the world and the world chosing a murder and saying we have no king but ceaser ... let His blood be on us and on our children.  Jesus said I counsel thee to buy of Me gold tried in the fire.  Here is some gold from Jesus tried in the fire: Paul said I desire to know nothing else but Jesus Christ and Him crucified.  And again from Paul: the world is crucified unto me and I unto the world.

But we must follow the New Testament models of discernment.  This involves the entire church--not just the leadership.

It may be a little “slower” than leadership likes it to move--but it is the biblical way.

My most difficult people are the last ones remaining of those who were part of the charter.  My husband and I were pulpit supply for a church for six months and had made many friends at the church, and really felt that most of them loved us in return.  One lady persistently tried to get closer and closer to me. Because of experiences at another church I held back just enough not to offend but close enough to be loving and friendly.  Something was bothering me about her and I could not quite put my finger on it - I just stayed my distance.  She was “best friends” with the family who helped start and build the church.  You know who they are - they actually run the church - and do they have power.  They talk out of both sides of their mouth and try to make you believe you are the greatest thing to come to their church - UNTIL....you try to make an improvement or bring in something to make the congregation enthusiastic about getting up that morning. 

My husband and I talked about it and decided we did not want to be there on a permanent basis and wrote a letter to them asking that our names be withdrawn. We actually traded letters with them.  It seems we had all agreed, my husband and I, and their Session, that the fit was just not there.

We were right.  They are still trying to call a pastor.  They called three different ministers and all turned it down.

Why - the church has now earned the reputation of being difficult to lead.  The difficult people are in control.  My husband actually had a person from another church ask “Is the _________ family still running the church?” He just laughed.

They are holding the church back and down.  The pastors being interviewed are seeing or hearing something that is telling them to say no thank you.

The difficult people don’t listen.  If they do, they repeat the story told from their perspective.  And, the worst thing is that those who are listening know the difficult people are lying and are just being difficult but are too afraid to step forward.  It’s God’s church. But, you’ll never convince them. They know all of the right words to say so the blame can be placed at the feet of the ones who got fed up and left.  Sad, isn’t it.  We are supposed to be leading God’s people, serving God’s people, teaching them and most importantly loving them.