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I Heard it Through the Grape Vine…
Orginally published on Sunday, June 05, 2005 at 7:00 AM
by Todd Rhoades
Ever have problems with gossip in your church? Alan Nelson has a great article in this month’s issue of The Church Report magazine dealing with how leaders should handle all the ‘grapevine’ talk. Especially when it has to do with you! Here are some of Alan’s tips on handling this…
- It?s natural; expect it. Good leaders have tough hides, tender hearts. Right or wrong, people talk about your sermons, decisions and even what you wear. This is a social process, having little to do with God or you. People talk, period. Don't be glad, sad or overly concerned about these conversations. It?s part of their processing. Politicians know that a negative conversation is better than no conversation. Whether you like it or not, people are talking about you and your leadership. Accept that fact that it?s going on, regardless if you're aware of the details.
- Consider who?s talking. Obviously, not all criticism or innuendo is created equal. You can pretty much ignore feedback and hearsay when it is from people who are not opinion leaders. By avoiding I don't mean not listening when asked, but in terms of confronting or digging deeper. On the other hand, if an influencer is involved in a conversation, try to learn more. Ignoring an opinion leader?s concern can result in a growing infection. Rumor mills avoided have ground up many a leader.
- What?s being said. Just as all critics are not equal, all content is not the same. A comment about attire or hairstyle, doctrinal content of a message or an opinion on the women?s bathroom paint, weigh differently than a suggestion of sexual impropriety, financial mismanagement or a question of character. Discern the differences. Attend to the more serious and avoid lesser ones.
- Who can you trust? Most of us in ministry have been burned by trusted friends and church confidants. Bottom line: be very cautious what you say and to whom you say it. Avoid potentially controversial messages by e-mail and written form, which can come back to haunt you. At other times, it may be best to put your words in writing so as to diminish confusion and avoid being misquoted. Tend to trust people associated with the organization less than you think or wish. You're not just a friend; you're a leader. Look for confidential outside alliances for wisdom or venting.
- Pros and cons of engagement. A paranoid leader will try to swat a fly with a howitzer. Let the bugs fly around the light bulb. Know that when you engage people involved with the grapevine, you run risks. If you go public with a matter that only a few are critiquing, you may unnecessarily exaggerate the problem to others. You don't want to broaden awareness of something that only a few knew about, unless you have significant reason. By addressing the matter, you may add energy to the concern. Generally, less is more. Savvy leaders learn not to overreact.
Good advice! Thanks, Alan!
FOR DISCUSSION: Have you had any experience with "the grapevine"? How have you handled it? What would you add to Alan's advice given above?
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Sunday, June 05, 2005 at 12:21 PM
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Wednesday, June 08, 2005 at 1:49 PM
Post Your Comments:Have you had any experience with “the grapevine”? How have you handled it? What would you add to Alan’s advice given above?
BeHim responds:
As you kow, I have a heart for this in churches and life. As I speak at many churches, small groups and organizations about back-biting and tale baring.
I always start with this at my speaking engagements:
I provide 1 or 2 deacons/volunteers to start a message at the back of the room (depending on how large). I ask them to tell the person in front of them:
“My friend Joe said his wife’s friend is having an affair and my Sister Chrissy is said her best friend’s husband is getting a divorce from Sarah.”
You’ll be surprised how that message, by the time it reaches the microphone, will change and in many cases had nothing at all to do with the original post - the strangest response I received was: “Joe is hitting sheets with Chrissy and her Husband.”
The point? Imagine if you were Joe or Chrissy or her husband.
I have to leave out-of-town for now I’ll post more later.
This is one of the biggest issues in every church and should be taught how to deal with in your congregation.
I have to leave (an hour ago) so I’ll post more later.
BTW Todd, thank you for posting this blog, it’s a great topic to discuss.
Also consider, the next time you meet with a group of christians, what they talk about - do they talk mainly about people and what’s going on or do they talk about ideas, events and places.
I ask because you’ll see it visible with a prayer group. Watch how openly they’ll discuss other people and their needs (I’m not saying intercessory prayer is bad, it’s essential) or sins, many times with no regard for the individual or their desires (many times people have asked for prayer from the individual as a caring, trustworthy individual NOT to have it passed along to others).
A good rule of thumb when you’re asked to pray about or for someone ... if it would be something that would embarrass you, don’t pass it on. Also, if they came to you in private and you didn’t ask if it were okay for you to ask others to pray, assume they would rather keep it private.
There’s nothing wrong to ask others to “pray for a friend struggling with some personal matters - God knows the individual and their needs, but please pray for the unknown person and their unknown needs”.
For many, this has become a habit, many times, one they do not even recognize.
Please make back biting and tale baring one of your Christian duties a high priority, as James states - If a person can bridle their tongue, they can rule over the whole body.
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