Orginally published on Friday, September 29, 2006 at 6:04 AM
by Todd Rhoades
Nazarene Nooz has just posted a pastor job description for an opening at Fairweather Church. See if you qualify...
Fairweather Church of the Nazarene seeks a senior pastor who is in the top 0.01% of up and coming Nazarene leaders in the USA. You must submit solid references, a detailed track record, and a picture of you with your family.
Please do NOT apply:
--If you are older than 40.
--If you have served at any church for less than three years.
--If your references have no name recognition OR if the name recognition they have is for bookish pursuits like teaching theology or writing books.
--If you are interested in bookish pursuits like teaching theology or reading books.
--If you are a woman OR if you are a man too much acquainted with your feminine side.
--If you have fewer than three children.
--If your wife looks like a ‘before’ picture for one of the extreme makeover shows.
--Must have experience with transforming an organization from pathetic to powerful using a no-nonsense, head-bashing style of leadership.
--Must be able to project sincerity while demanding the loyalty of those who know better.
--Must be comfortable with giving orders and squashing dissent.
--Must be adept at asking for input and then ignoring it without fostering discontent.
--Must be willing and able to raise most or all of your salary by developing channels of commerce within the church. (day care, preschool, restaurant franchise, resale of items donated as tax write-offs,)
--Must have experience with gradually ‘bleeding’ the bad elements out of a church without making the church anemic.
--Must have at least ten years of experience and a willingness to boast about it.
--Must have been a high school and/or college athlete and be willing to boast about it.
--Must be able to do every conceivable role in a Sunday morning worship service. (so you are not held hostage to the bad elements within the music and/or drama program)
--Must pay lip service to church tradition while seeking to supplant or trivialize it.
--Must sing the praises of the denomination while counting the days till you can fire all of the losers around you.
--Must be able to talk like a post-modernist while being a dyed-in-the-wool modernist.
--Must have at least one psychiatric disorder that makes you more able to work 80-90 obsessive hours per week for the benefit of the church.
--Must be arrogant and opinionated in a humble, Christlike way.
--Must be able to fake it till you make it when in the spotlight.
--Must understand the difference between lying and telling people only as much as they need to know.
We are located on the growing edge of a growing community. We are poised to be the Wal-Mart to all the pathetic Mom and Pop churches who still tell people to turn to hymn #212. We are in an affluent community and most of that money is at the lake or the ballparks on Sundays because most churches are so darn boring. We want a pastor who can draw all people unto himself. The church government will be upon his shoulders and he will be called wonderful and a counselor; a prince among pastors. We are praying that, like Moses raised up the snake in the desert, God will raise up a messiah for our community.
If you think you fit this description then you are either sorely deceived, or you are the one whom God will send to us in the fullness of time.
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