There are these two people who are known to just show up at anyone’s home at any time. One day it happened to this woman and her three children. They were caught still in their jammies and with the living room a wreck. It was 11:00 a.m. The mother works nights; the husband, days.

The two were invited to sit down and the conversation proceeded. The two introduced themselves and shared about why they were visiting. A personal relationship with Christ first; their church second. One of the two was a woman. She shared that her husband was on staff at the church and what her role at the church and community consisted of. She offered their assistance in any way possible. The other was a man. He shared how he had been a member of this church for many years. Yet, more importantly than the church, was his relationship with Christ. He encouraged her and her family to get into a good Bible based church and get involved there. Whether that turned out to be their church or not. They ended their visit on a really positive note with the woman saying their family would be back to visit. She thanked them greatly for their visit. even though her home was a wreck.

At the poolside one day two friends gather to talk. One tells about how she knew the woman that had been visited. The woman had shared with her about the visit. The woman said she thought it strange that these two individuals were married. One was so much older than the other. Besides that.. the woman talked about her husband as if he wasn’t even in the room.  And talk about a married couple who looked like! AHA!

My daddy and I learned an important lesson about visiting people. If their home is a wreck and they’re still in their jammies at 11:00 a.m. - chances are they might miss you saying, “I’m so-and-so and this is my daughter.”

Speaking of cannibals;
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed the missionary on the trail?

Or how about the cannibal that ate the catholic, the presbyterian and the lutheran?  Yeah it was the first ecumenical movement.

Hey you started it

My friend came to work one Monday with a black eye.  What happened to you? I asked.  He replied. I was sitting in church yesterday when a large woman wearing a dress came in and sat in front of me.  As the music began, we all stood and I noticed her dress was stuck, if you know what I mean?  I thought it looked uncomfortable, so I removed it for her and as you may have guessed, she hit me.  I told him he should be more careful when helping others.

Next Monday here comes my friend with another black eye.  What happened to you? I asked.  Well, that same woman came to church yesterday, but this time I had a friend with me. As you may have guessed the same thing was happening. We all stood, the dress was stuck, but this time my friend reached over and removed it for her, but I knew she didn’t like that, so I tucked it back in.

“Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are.”

An eight-year old boy and his mother were in a discussion. The young son replies, “Mother, just because you are methodologically speaking does not mean you are correct.”

During Sunday Morning: Why doesn’t the omniscient God read the announcements and the Jehovah Rapha read the sick list

A Jewish Rabbi walks into a barber shop for a hair cut.  The barber says, “Rabbi welcome to my barbershop, Im going to give you the best hair cut that you have ever had.” The barber then finishes the hair cut and the Rabbi stands up and looks into the mirror and says, “You are right sir, that is the best hair cut I have ever had, how much do I owe you”?
The barber says, “Sir you are a man of the cloth this hair cut is on me”.  The Rabbi thanks the barber and leaves.
The next day when the barber arrives at his shop he finds a basket full of Jewish delicasies with a thank you note from the Jewish Rabbi.
That same day a Catholic Priest enters the barber shop for a hair cut.  The barber says, “Father welcome to my barbershop, Im going to give you the best hair cut that you have ever had.” The barber then finishes the hair cut and the priest stands up and looks into the mirror and says, “You are right sir, that is the best hair cut I have ever had, how much do I owe you”?
The barber says, “Sir you are a man of the cloth this hair cut is on me”.  The priest thanks the barber and leaves.
The next day when the barber arrives at his shop he finds a basket full of wine blessed by the local cardinal with a thank you note from the priest.
That same day a Nazarne pastor enters the barber shop for a hair cut.  The barber says, “Pastor welcome to my barbershop, Im going to give you the best hair cut that you have ever had.” The barber then finishes the hair cut and the pastor stands up and looks into the mirror and says, “You are right sir, that is the best hair cut I have ever had, how much do I owe you”?
The barber says, “Sir you are a man of the cloth this hair cut is on me”.  The pastor thanks the barber and leaves.
The next day when the barber arrives at his shop he finds...a long line of Nazarene Pastors waiting for a hair cut.

I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this fellow who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I’d try to stall him until the authorities showed up. “Don’t jump!” I said. “Why not?” he said. “Nobody loves me.”

“God loves you,” I said. “You believe in God, don’t you?”

“Yes, I believe in God,” he said.

“Good,” I said. “Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Protestant or Catholic?”

“Neither,” he said.

“What then?” I said.

“Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

“Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Armenian Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist” he said.

“Auugghh!!! You heretic!” I said. And I pushed him over.

I work with our preschoolers in our church on Sunday mornings in Sunday School, using my guitar to sing songs with them. One of their favorites songs, of course, is “Zaccheus Was A Wee Little Man”.

This past week one of our preschoolers had a man from our church doing some tree work at her house. When she saw him up in the tree sawing some limbs, (you guessed it), she said: Zaccheus, you come down from there!”, as only a one-year old could say it.

Perhaps everyone has heard this one before, but it bears repeating anyway -

The coast guard rescued a guy on a deserted island. The man from the coast guard asked him “There’s something I just don’t understand about this… If you’re all alone on this island, how come there are three huts?”

The man who had been stranded looked back at the huts and said “See this one? That’s where I live… That’s my home.”

The coast guard official nodded as the stranded guy continued - “And this second one - that’s where I go to church. It’s where I worship God.”

“Ok,” said the coast guard official, “what about the third one?”

The man who had been stranded rolled his eyes, sighed, leaned towards the coast guard offical, and said quietly - “That’s where I USED to go to church.... “