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Letters from Leavers

Orginally published on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 at 6:01 AM
by Todd Rhoades

A couple of students from Fuller Seminary have started a new website called "Letters from Leavers" in which they encourage people to share their stories about why they left their church (or THE church). Some of the letters are fascinating...

Here are a couple short excerpts…

“We didn’t want to go.  But we couldn’t stay with all the pain of continually watching people leave and seeing the skeleton of the church it once was.  We decided to give the pastor “his” church — and get out of his way.”

“Years of my life, spent with arms raised to a God that I knew wasn’t there. Pretending to believe things I didn’t… raising money to go on missions trips to bring a lie to people who needed something more substantial… leading people to accept a God I had rejected years before. A terrible time, a cowardly time, of my life. Eventually, I was leading the boy’s group at the church and serving in other positions. And wondering how deep the rabbit hole went before I had to draw the line. And I almost had to draw the line before I left home. As a matter of principle, I refused to become an official member of the church. This went unnoticed for a long time as people just assumed I had already joined and the people who knew didn’t really care to press the issue.”

You can read more here...

FOR DISCUSSION: What would the stories of the people who’ve left your church sound like?


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  There are 16 Comments:

  • Posted by

    I think we should be trying harder and better to listen to these stories BEFORE people leave…

  • Posted by

    Yes, we certainly should Peter (try to listen sooner).  But I’m wondering how.  When someone is leading a boys group, going on mission trips, pretending to believe . . . how would we know?  In the pretending and participating, I’m sure this young man responded to attempts from his leaders for authenticity.  He was like a spouse who is living a lie and keeping his/her partner completely in the dark.  How would the church have known?  What should we do to surface these kind of doubts in people?

    Wendi

  • Posted by

    Wendi,

    I think there is the lost art of real engagement into the lives of those we minister with and to. We spend so much time talking “churchy” stuff that sometimes we do not actually talk about real matters of the heart. Or we’ve perhaps created such an atmosphere that individuals do not think that it is safe to voice such doubt or differing view points. Do we have conversations where we go deep and not just stay on the surface wanting to hear only what we want or expect to hear?

    Please note that I am not directly this at you personally.

    BTW: Glad to see you’re back mixing things up around here.

    Camey

  • Posted by Stewart

    I was told tonight that 3 people might leave my church because I don’t wear a tie. What they really want is for me to wear a robe, a tie is their version of compromise.

    I agree we should listen to people. But we can’t always do what they want. It sounds silly to make an issue over a tie and yet when you start to think about the bigger issues it represents like tradition vs cultural identification, the specific issue becomes symbolic of much bigger issues. The problem is most people don’t feel ‘heard’ until you agree with them and do what they want. Me included smile.

  • Posted by

    Camey,

    I totally agree with you.  Sometimes (perhaps often) we fill people’s lives with activity and they learn “Christian speak,” and eventually people become intimitaded saying anything opposite.  I think we do create safe places for seekers to express doubts and ask questions, but perhaps we’re all too ready with pat answers.  Plus, a long-time church person would never show up in the group where questions are asked.

    I guess I’m wondering how to draw people’s doubts out.  And when they come out, what should we do that is helpful?  I don’t think the Christianity 101 answers would have helped this young man.  He knew these answers already.

    And Stewart, I don’t think your three people are the kind this blog is looking for.  Your “leavers” are just going to go some place where the pastor wears a tie.  I think this blog is looking for comments from people who are leaving the faith.

    Wendi

  • Posted by

    Stewart,

    Sounds like an article from last week on “choosing who you lose” is in order.

    Your last sentence is spot on. I am always struggling with how to “hear” people even when I don’t do what they ask.

  • Posted by Jan

    I tend to think that letter writers are highly disfunctional.  I hate that word!  But every time we’ve recieved a letter from a member, they just let it rip.  And they refused to talk.  And many unfair and untrue things were “said”.

    I know, I know we need to listen to these.  And we can learn a lot from these writers, and some of them I am sure are real victims.

    But now a website for the letter writer.  That’s just what they need.  A forum for disfunction.

    Scripture says to “Go” to your brother if they’ve sinned against you.  Now we can not only write a letter, we can post it!

  • Posted by Leonard

    People leave.  Is it possible for someone to see the majesty of God and miss it?  Is it possible for someone to see God’s hand at work and for pride, sin and other factors to get in the way of their responding appropriately to God?  I know it is because I struggle with this all the time.  After what I have seen God do I should never doubt him again but I do, come to think of it, Jesus had some close friends who struggled with this too.  Well said Jan.  Years back I read a book by Hendricks called Exit Interviews, I found it to be healthy. 

    I add this too.  We continually underestimate the power of pride (preoccupation with self) to cripple us, cut us off from others and destroy our faith.  God’s grace is found by the humble God’s opposition by the prideful.  I am aware of this in my own life.  Many people serve completely preoccupied with themselves and end up in ruin, writing letters about themselves, blaming a church, a person or system for how it did not help them… God does not humble us, we must choose humility.  Now God might humiliate us but we still have to choose humility.  I have experienced the humiliation of my actions, God ordained humiliation I might add, only to choose more pride.  I only find grace to grow, heal and be real when I choose humility.  Okay that ends the ranting portion of my post. 

    I just wrote a book on humility.  10 Easy steps and how I did it in 7. Wink, Wink, Smile Smile.

  • Posted by Jan

    Okay, I just went and spent time reading all the letters.  Very sad.

  • Posted by

    Wendi: We do have a class that meets at our church where individuals can go who are wrestling with their beliefs, want in-depth discussion and will not take pat answers as answers period. Some of the people who attend are former pastors, furloughed missionaries and such. One of the things we’re starting to do is to get different groups together on Friday nights to just hang out, play games, and of course eat. It is non-threatening ways to be together and let conversations ensue as they normally might happen at such gatherings. This Friday night we’re playing the game Apples to Apples for example. Great way to learn about people and how they think. Those individuals coming are from very conservative view points to very liberal as well. The backgrounds represented span the denominational trails in all sorts of directions as well as “long-time church person” and newbies. It is not an activity. It is not held at the church. It is not on Sunday. It is opportunity for people to really get to know each other. If they know you care… they will share.. and will be more open to listening when you give answers. One thing I always try to remember though that as for as much as I think I may know God - I’m no where close. Does that necessarily then make my answers more right than anothers? Nah.

  • Posted by

    It is a challenge to get people to talk before they leave.  Often people make up their mind and quietly exit never to return.  As a pastor, I will call and they will be oh so pleasant and mouth niceties...then hang up complaining or grieving.  For some people, they way the manage life is to avoid struggling with tough issues.  They may have been taught not to “rock the boat.”

    I had a father come to me about his son.  His son was having serious doubts about his faith.  His father basically wanted me to say to the son, “Just believe.” I shocked the father with, “Great.  I’m glad he has doubts.  I will clear my calendar and spend time with him.” It worked.  The boy was saved and baptized at ten but at 15 he, like many Christian teens, was being challenged in his faith. 

    I personally have found that having folks over for a meal and NOT TALKING ABOUT CHURCH is a great way to get some folks to open up. 

    Not all folks will open up.  Not all folks will be honest with themselves or others about their pain and faith challenges.  It is sad.  I had one young man leave our church.  I finally caught up with him.  He said, “Pastor, I love you and your preaching.  The music program leaves much to be desired.” Another lady left recently and finally a deacon caught up with her.  She claimed I did not care about her struggles with her dying father.  I was shocked as my wife and I had left messages at least once a week, her deacon as well.  My wife even stopped by with a card, a note, and a gift for her daughter’s birthday.  I stopped by a couple times and no one came to the door.  And I did not care....in her mind.

  • Posted by Randy Ehle

    A basic analogy:  Any restaurant (or camp) dishwasher will tell you that the only customer comments you ever hear are when the dishes or silverware are dirty; you’ll never hear, “Wow, my silverware was clean!”

    In the same way, few people are going to write a letter if they are/were satisfied with their church.  Why do people leave churches?  I’d say the answers can be summed up with two basic reasons:  1) they are dissatisfied with something (could be theology, practice, a person, etc., or even a dissatisfaction with themselves or God); or 2) they are moving out of the area.  Which of those groups are most likely to write a letter?  The former.

    We can certainly learn from them, and sometimes we may need to make some adjustments, but not always.  Sometimes - as in Stewart’s case (with people who want him to wear a tie or even a robe) - all we can do is communicate why we do what we do...and hopefully with some legitimate justification from our theology, not just from our tradition.  Rarely, though, will we be able to change the leaver’s mind.

  • Posted by

    Jan - Not all the letter writers are dysfunctional. There were some that I read that seemed to be on track.
    Unfortunately we have many churches that are dysfunctional. We get caught up in the bindings of legalism, choir robes or Pastors wearing ties, rather than looking for God’s presence in our lives. I think its been so long since most church members have experienced a sense of God’s presence in a church service that they substitute it for the trappings of the traditional. Those familiar things that help us to remember that we are in church. Jesus told the Ephesian church “you have lost your first love”; and unfortunately I think that has happened to too many churches.

  • Posted by

    Sometimes the pain from leaving a church can be so great and the ensuing confusion that results the only way to heal can be through letters or blogs written as a cry for help and understanding and a feeling of will anyone tell me I’m not alone in this?  I think letters from leavers can be a great tool for the body of Christ to reach out to wounded people and meet them where they are at. I wonder if the particular case of the boy who said he was being shunned and that he couldn’t even own certain books was ever introduced to the Jesus we know?  May God have mercy on us.

  • Posted by Patti Blount

    Hi-I am one of the leavers who wrote on the blog. Aw contrar-about leaving the faith. It’s because of my relationship with the Lord that I left. I felt to stay would have been to participate in Babylon or to be unfaithful to Him once He showed me some things about the institution-"to who much is given, much is required.” I know you can’t possibly understand how anyone could leave the building and still love Jesus, but it is not only possible but, as He showed me, necessary. It was in my blood, though, and it is taking many washings to get it out of my system. When I first left and was wondering about all of it, I asked the Lord, “How will people know I’m a Christian?” and He said, “yea, how will they?” So He went about the business, and still is, of washing His Bride (of which I am only one member) to cleanse her of every wrinkle, spot, and blemish. It hasn’t been easy to look at what was and still is inside of me and come to Him admitting all of the stench, and then asking Him humbly to break me in those areas. This has been a soul-wrenching ordeal, but necessary in order for Him to perfect me (and those in His Body) so that we can be conformed to the image of His son.

  • Posted by Gary Sweeten

    Training elders and others to listen, problem solve and manage conflict is key to deep community. The pastors who think it is all about them are misisng the mark.

    I just wrote about this issue on my blog in response to the Reveal book.

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