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church manipulator

Ministering to Manipulators

Orginally published on Tuesday, May 15, 2007 at 6:30 AM
by Todd Rhoades

Do you have anyone in your church that is a manipulator? Maybe it’s a board member. Maybe it’s a little old lady down the street. Regardless, it can be tough to ministry to a manipulative personality. Brooks Faulkner has an article posted at LifeWay.com that helps address how you might approach your favorite manipulator. Brooks writes…

Three As of the manipulator:

Attention: He never gets enough, no matter how much you give.
Affection: She nevers feel enough, no matter how many share their love.
Approval: He never receives enough, no matter how actions are affirmed.

A manipulator may legitimately need attention, affection, and approval, but as a leader you must prioritize your time.

The Solution: Turn an uncomfortable relationship with the manipulative person into a positive relationship. It?s not easy, but it is possible. Here are five ways to help you.

1. Give needed attention.
Our work as caregivers involves the recognition of genuine need. Giving this person attention is not only a responsibility, but a privilege.
2. Confront gently.
Respond to a person who ?dropped in? with, ?Good to see you Jim, but you?ve caught me at a bad time. There are some things that are pressing me. Let me call you as soon as I get time. Thanks for understanding.?
3. Respond candidly.
When confronted on an issue, respond with, ?It sounds to me as if you need a little education on . . . Let me share a couple of my intentions.
4. Say "No" when you need to.
It is hard for you to say "no" without feeling guilty, but it is necessary for your emotional and spiritual health.
5. Leave change up to God.
Encourage, but don?t expect too much. Leave the rest up to God. He can handle it.

Any thoughts? Ever have to deal with a manipulator in your midst? Would these tips have helped? Leave your comments below...

And have a great weekend!

Todd

This post has been viewed 2726 times so far.

TRACKBACKS: (0) There are 14 Comments:

Posted by

Friday, November 12, 2004 at 5:31 PM

I am blown away that no one else has commented on this. This is problem #1 in my church, and there are a bunch of manipulators around.
Posted by bernie dehler

Friday, November 12, 2004 at 9:35 PM

People who see critics or change-makers as “manipulators” would probably also see Jesus that way. How dare He come in here and chase out the money-lenders and vendors! Doesn’t He know that all the Rabbi’s approve of this? What are His credentials?

Yes, some people always complain. But some ministry leaders also over-react and are too insensitive to receive (or take to heart) any feedback.

Luke 11:45 (Jesus talking)
One of the experts in the law answered him, “Teacher, when you say these things, you insult us also.”

...Bernie
http://www.FreeGoodNews.com
Posted by

Thursday, December 02, 2004 at 4:46 PM

Hmmm,I think it might be needful to point out that mannipulators are not only people that are ‘needy’in the emotional sense as delineated above,but are also coercive when they don’t get their way,which is where they are the most damaging to the work of the church and personal relationships.I feel a more accurate profile of a mannipulator is one who sets out to achieve his/her own means to fill a percieved need through divisive,subversive,self serving behaviour,bringing about needless accusations and suspicions and casting aspersions and intimidating others until their agenda is served,in the Machiavellian sense.Some might say that what I am profiling is a ‘control freak’,however,I believe a person can be truly self serving in one’s motivation but not a ‘in charge’,’type A’,sort;mannipulation is passive-aggressive behaviour,where as the behaviour of the typical type A is active and much less covert.When I think of the biblical story of David’s son Jonathan in the early stages of what would later become a more outward rebellion,’mannipulator’ is the title I think would best fit him. . .hopefull this post helps.God’s best to you all.
Michael
Posted by

Tuesday, May 15, 2007 at 6:58 AM

The manipulators I’ve encountered in the church have usually been “activist” manipulators.

Best way to deal with those manipulators is often just to keep the mission paramount. Occasionally someone brings up their “special interest” or their own pet project and want us to make it our number one priority. We have a mission, we call it “reaching people, changing lives” and by the way, we reach the people… God changes the lives… EVERYTHING comes from that. So… people don’t really get the chance to become manipulators I’m happy to say.

For instance I’ve known people that had that “big idea” about something “the church should do something about...” You fill in the blanks. When that person was encouraged to LEAD that effort… guess what… they wouldn’t or couldn’t… so they didn’t stay around. The effort itself might have been a GREAT idea, but that doesn’t mean it’s one more thing to tack onto the Pastor’s job description.

Bernie,

Those people aren’t manipulators, I agree. And also, I think, not the people this post was talking about. I myself NEVER over-react to feedback. I listen to it carefully. I don’t get better at my job unless I do, and if I don’t get better at my job… I’m miserable in more ways than one…
Posted by RevJeff

Tuesday, May 15, 2007 at 9:27 AM

A sure sign of manipulaton is “I’ve talked to several others, and...” Oh, really - would they be willling to talk with me? “No, <u>they</u> think you are ________ , BUT I told them I’d _____...”

These are good tools for every pastor. there are many others and scads of books on the subject.

The truth is, everyone of us has our views and agendas. We need to seek God’s plan for our congregations TOGETHER. As leaders however, we would do well to follow Jesus’ example in John 2:24. (But Jesus would not entrust Himself to them, for He knew all men....)
Posted by Jan

Tuesday, May 15, 2007 at 4:13 PM

And why is it that often times the church manipulator is the one who worked the hardest to bring you there? And then when they are disillusioned, because their agenda isn’t in line with what you actually do and are, they work the hardest to get you out the door!
Posted by Tony Myles

Monday, May 21, 2007 at 10:43 AM

Hmm… I don’t like this article. You really should have made it something I would have liked. You know, I am paying your salary, after all. Speaking of which, why don’t you visit me more? You know the other writers on other sites visit with me more… maybe I should pull my money out of this site and go over and give it to them. They have a special branch of their site for youth, and you don’t have anything for young people around here. And why isn’t this site properly landscaped?
Posted by

Tuesday, May 22, 2007 at 4:09 PM

Pro 30:15 The leech has two daughters crying, Give! Give! Three things are not satisfied, four never have said, Enough!
Pro 30:16 Sheol, and the barren womb, the earth not filled with water, and the fire, these never said, Enough!
In John 6, after Jesus fed the 5000, the crowd chased him down and tried to manipulate Him into repeating the miracle. He refused and pointed them instead to seek after spiritual bread from Heaven. A manipulator will always hunger for more, and need to be pointed toward the higher life of faith.
If we become too responsive to manipulators, they will suck all our time and energy from the Main Thing. Jesus did not come to open a bread-line, and He kept His eye on the real prize, as should we.
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Saturday, January 10, 2009 at 3:09 AM

Great list for novice as well as for professionals too
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Saturday, January 17, 2009 at 12:06 PM

hmm, Nice List of Problems.

BTW Thank you for sharing.
Posted by auto

Friday, January 23, 2009 at 6:35 AM

Thank you for the information. I am having the same problem right now. Worked great.
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Posted by dll

Monday, March 23, 2009 at 7:32 AM

You really should have made it something I would have liked. You know, I am paying your salary, after all.

Speaking of which, why don’t you visit me more? You know the other writers on other sites visit with me more maybe I should pull my money out of this site and go over and give it to them.
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Hi... I'm Todd Rhoades. I'm a Christ-follower, husband, father and I love to connect leaders with other leaders. Hopefully you'll find something here at MMI you like and will return often. If you want, you can find out more about me or follow my every step on Twitter.