I resigned from being a pastor when after being in the hospital for surgery and losing a family member (my mother) to cancer, not one person offered any support or sympathy.  I was only asked when I was going to have my weekly report in.  I was only viewed as the work horse of the church.  When I had a need, I was ignored.

Another reason: Because people get their feelings hurt by someone else in the church.

Sometimes, as is my case right now, people leave the church because they have lost their power over a certain area of the church, ie: the kitchen, youth ministry, adult ed, you name it…

Unfortunately a person (or group) will often choose to leave a church than work with others for the greater good of the church. I am convinced that some would rather see the church fail than to let go of their power.

When this happens, leaving is not always a bad thing but tends to open up the doors to allow more healthy leadership to come in and help the church grow healthier.

Not that we should focus on people leaving the church, but I think we should focus on the why and then challenge ourselves to discover if it is a good or bad thing and address it as necessary.

I’m a 36 year old single mom with a 12 year old daughter.
We recently left our church where I became a member and was baptized together with my daughter on the same day.
It was hard for us to leave our church because of the history we both have there.
There are various resons why we finaly decided to leave the church.
1. The church is really small with lot’s of newly young married couples and there newborn babies.
I kind of felt out of place and my needs as single were not met.
2. The church didn’t have single ministries where I could have found my place.
3. The church didn’t have youth ministries where my pre-teenager daughter could have found her place.

I had put my feelers out several times expressing my interest to call a single group alive in our church and kind of need someone from church to help me to put a single group together and have things started with. But I was never heard or understood from church.
Shortly before we left the church I had a feeling that there was a poor fellowship and nobody from church (people from small groups I’ve attented)was interested in me or reached out to me to help in my struggle.

Of the many reasons I have heard why people leave the church, most of them lie in the unwillingness of the person to “die” to themselves. No one will get along unless there is a mutual submission. Many come to a church with an offense from another church.  When they refuse to lay the offense at the foot of the cross and deal with it, it is a sore spot that is vulnerable to further offense. Also, when a decision is made, even if it is clearly scriptural, and they do not like it or it doesn’t go their way, they will leave.
When you build a church on a market driven (seeker sensitive) basis, you will have to keep up the “monkey show” in order to keep them.  If you seek to please people rather than hold fast to good theology, you are building on shaky ground that will one day cave in.

Quote:

“1. The church is really small with lot’s of newly young married couples and there newborn babies.
I kind of felt out of place and my needs as single were not met.
2. The church didn’t have single ministries where I could have found my place.
3. The church didn’t have youth ministries where my pre-teenager daughter could have found her place.”

There’s nothing left to say.

Read the number of “I’s” and “my’s” in the above list and you will see how consumeristic the American church has become. 

And because those in “leadership” have created such a selfish monster as the American church, they shouldn’t be surprised when they fall short of meeting their consumer’s needs.

Instead of seeing how the writer of the above quote could help meet the needs of that particular organization, she bolts for one that would “bath, powder and diaper” HER.

God, help us all.

I can appreciate Ricky’s quotes, and his challenge to the consumer mentality.  Yet, as a single adult pastor, I am fully aware that churches are not always sensitive to the populations they are trying to reach.  Often, a “one size fits all” does not work for everyone.  There is challenge for all of us to prioritize people over programming, yet programming to meet the needs of people is vital for all of us who seek to minister to those in various life stages.

Let’s refrain from making the assumption or judgment that those looking for particular programs are automatically in “selfish” mode or do not wish to serve.  The single adults at our church tend to give the most because we care about them and their needs.

Thanks, Vicki for your response to Ricky.  I see your point as well Ricky, but I, too think you were too quick to automatically read into someone’s heart.

I am a parent of four; and while I don’t expect that the church will educate my children in scripture much (that burden falls on me as a parent), I do depend on the church for some things that are important for me as a parent:

1.  Godly role models that my kids (both elementary and jr. high age) can look up to.

2.  A place where my children can meet and greet other friends who share their faith.

3.  A place that is somehow enticing so that my kids have a positive rather than a negative opinion of church and the gospel.

This is not a full list to be sure; but you can expect that if these things were NOT present in my church, I would leave… not because I’m a selfish consumer, but because me kids are the most important thing.  If I stay somewhere my kids are not being nutured and encouraged to grow in their faith, it is my preference, no… it is my duty to find a place that will better fit my family’s needs and goals.

Just my thoughts.

Todd

I find it interesting how Jesus dealt with those who followed Him merely for their benefit, in particular to those who followed Him after He fed them with bread and fish.

He gave them a crash course in the cost of discipleship which, in turn, caused all but the twelve to leave Him.  I’m sure that if those of us in “leadership” would start telling people, in love, that it is their responsibility to GIVE to the Body of Christ (i.e., their gifts) instead of just receiving, the pews would empty in moments.

However, to avoid the departure of people and their money, leaders strive instead to stroke the egos of those who feel it is their right to be stroked.  All of this “stroking” leads to what we have today, a welfare mentality that is entrenched in the American church.

Until we begin teaching and living what the Scripture say is the Church, we will continue to program the organizations to meet every demand the consumers demand.

I am not a Senior Pastor, however, I have had a crash course in it as I have had to fill the shoes while we are searching for another.  One thing I have seen, even in a small church, is that people do have needs.  And whether or not the expect to be coddled, we as Pastors do have a job to meet people where and as they are.  If we kinda just expect them to become significant Christians on their own, we are going to be disillusioned as a pastor.  We do need to realize that we are going to be stepped on, shot down, and hurt over and over.  But that’s the crumy part of the job.  But to those who are people in the congregations need to realize 2 things.  One, ministry is your job, too.  One pastor can’t do it all.  But a congregation of 50, 100, 1000 can do so much more.  And second, pettiness and frustration have brought down too many good men and too many good churches.  Just because no one called you does not mean that you aren’t important.  Better yet, if you were hurt that way, rather than say, “I’m going to hurt them back”, go to the pastor, express your frustrations, and then say, “I know of a way I can help.  I can get 3 other people and we will write notes to those who have not been here, letting them know we missed them.  Would that be alright?” I believe that is what the church is missing.  The people doing the work of the ministry, not just paying the pastor to do it all.

For me the is Jesus.  Jesus would cause the little children to come unto Him for such is the kingdom of God.  Jesus blessed the children.  Jesus taught the children in the midst of church conflict.  The Bible commands us to be a father to the fatherless and to judge the fatherless.  As far as good examples of Jesus I think we all need to be in prayer.  God help us!

The truth of the matter is this:  we as ministers do tend to have a very stubborb attitude to others who call or question us.  As a staff pastor my family has been treated very badly.  Much of which has come in the past couple of years when the pastor hired a family memeber.  The relationships that we had all but disappeared.  We could have very easily left, and we have had offers, but we have stayed.  The church has had continual decline over the past 2 years, but we have not gotten a release from God to leave.  So in the process we have submitted ourselves to the authority over us and said we serve God not man.  Many that have left our church have said that God is leading them away to other churches.  The problem I with this is the fact that they say God led them away from their other church to come here, (it sure is funny how often an all knowing God changes his mind). 
Below find my list of reasons we should stay at a church or how ever you want to title this list:
1. God placed us here.
2. I am human and I make mistakes too.
3. Sometimes I am the problem.
4. Maybe the Pastor needs to change what he is doing.
5. If he does need to change and will not listen to me then maybe I should tell God about it instead of leaving.
6. I chooose to take ownership in my church.
7. I am human too and I make mistakes.
8. If I see the problems then ask God how I can be part of the solution.
9. Embrace change.  It may not always be great or easy for us but God can do NEW things in old people,(not old as in age).  Set in their way christians CAN learn new tricks.
10. Submit ourselves to the leadership in any deptartmnet and ask them how we can best serve the church.
I have got to add a number 11.
11.IT IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME.

I personally am tired of being part of a declining church. So I have made it MY personal mandate to do everything in my power to change what I can change and let God change me every way he can.

I love serving God.  It is not always easy but it sure is great to see him use us.

God bless,
PK
I personally welcome any responses.

The politics and back stabbing in church can be so so much worse than what you find in the world, and the ones who dish it out are unrepentant because they are the ones who are hearing from God (according to them). If you disagree with them, then by default you are disagreeing with God because those others are the ones getting the “revelation.” When, then, is it time to wash your hands of the matter and move on? It is not selfish to want to extricate yourself from a painful situation. Many who leave the church recognize that strident situations abound in churches-- churches that truly do not offer real ministry opportunities, regardless of the label on the outside of the congregation’s building. Sure, the church is full of flawed people, but folks who don’t put a stop to a deeply hurtful involvement with no possibility for change, are masochists. How much are people supposed to take before they take the healthy step of leaving harmful situations? To judge people who do so as “selfish” is shallow and a contribution to the overall problem… that of judgementalism and hard heartedness.