I generally find that at the core of an individual’s reason for leaving a church, ministry or any organization for that fact, is a violation of trust.  Trust is comprised of four factors.  If one or more of these are violated frequently enough, trust is broken and people opt to leave.  1) Competence - if leadership makes poor decisions, their competence becomes questioned.  Trust is lost if competence is at issue.  2) Character - if a leader’s character is perceived as questionable, ie integrity is in question, anger, greed or lack of compassion surfaces, all of these cast doubt on the character of leadership and trust is forfeited.  3) Communication - If there is a lack of communication, or poor communication resulting in someone being blindsided, or thier expectations not being met due to improper communication, trust is diminished.  4) Care - the most common culprit...if an individual senses that leadership/others are putting self interests above the interests of those they lead, or ignoring the needs of those they lead, trust is forfeited.  If one were to reread the instances above in light of these four facets of trust, one will find one or more of these were violated.  If left unchecked, people leave.  At the core level, we know when trust is gone, its time to go…

I pastor a church in Chickasha, Oklahoma. It’s a town of about 15,000 people. That number fluctuates along with the factories in our county. I have only pastored here for three years, just began my fourth. I saw a significant, yet gradual departure over my first two years as pastor. Of course people gave all kinds of different reasons for leaving. Some were used to the older ministry style of our former pastor. Some simply relocated due to jobs. Those reasons didn’t really bother me. However, there were some families that I was very dependant on as they served in leadership, and they simply left for other churches in town. One of the biggest reasons I was given for thier departure was that they were tired of going to church on the older, less desirable side of town. I will admit, we are not strategically located in town, but we have a thriving vision for growth, outreach and evangelism and world missions. We are buying 8 acres of land in a better location and will start building there in the next year or so. The facility we are currently in is state of the art and very convenient as far as ministry goes, plus it’s debt free. I have often wondered why those families that left didn’t stick it out with us for a few more years to help us get our Main Sanctuary relocated to a better or more accessible area in town, instead of setting us further back by departing when they did. I found the six reasons why people leave your church to be very factually based, just not complete. I believe sometimes there are even more complexities involved in that decision. Although, for the most part, I agree completely. I have strived to be the best pastor I could be, but have continually evaluated myself...especially when people leave like that. I believe that one of my major faults is that I am so concerned with vision fulfillment and reaching the community, that I do not show as much personal care and attention to the people currently in our church. I guess that makes me guilty of reason number six! Are there any other pastors who can identify with that?

To say that “church is not about programs, but about people” sounds really good.  However, tell that to a pastor who doesn’t have a good children’s PROGRAM in a town where there are tons of children.  There is nothing wrong with starting programs that target a need in your community.  The main focus and goal is to bring people to Christ.  As long as it is biblical, I would stand on my head or start a checkers club if I thought it would reach people.  Whatever it takes to show them Christ love, for some that may be expository preaching and Sunday school, for others it may be that “pysco-babble” my friend Craig talks about.  We should spend less time judging those churches that are reaching large number in their community, and spend more time studying what they are doing.

People leave the church for many reasons, but the cause for their departure is that they never met Jesus. The church today is a dysfunctional family in that just like a family that is divorced and the father only has visitation rights the kids are the ones to suffer because when they need daddy he’s not around. So it is with the Church whose love has grown cold to their first love, the people in the church are always looking to substitute the void of Jesus with relationships that will never live up to a mature relationship with Christ.

We have watered down the word of God so much that there is no longer a visible border between right and wrong. For example the subject of divorce. Jesus said
“ Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except ?sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.”

Divorce is rampant in the body of Christ so why shouldn’t they divorce the church they are in? Jesus gives us the reason in his reply to the then Spiritual leaders of his time and his remarks are just as timely as they were then.

5Then the Pharisees and scribes asked Him, “Why do Your disciples not walk according to the tradition of the elders, but eat bread with unwashed hands?”
6He answered and said to them, “Well did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written:
‘This people honors Me with their lips,
But their heart is far from Me.
7 And in vain they worship Me,
Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.’?
8For laying aside the commandment of God, you hold the tradition of men—?the washing of pitchers and cups, and many other such things you do.”
9He said to them, “All too well you reject the commandment of God, that you may keep your tradition. 10For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’;? and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’? 11But you say, ‘If a man says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is Corban”—’ (that is, a gift to God), 12then you no longer let him do anything for his father or his mother, 13making the word of God of no effect through your tradition which you have handed down. And many such things you do.”

The comment I wrote in the past bears repeating. And I do so in love for behold soon He who comes will come and what will he find us doing?
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The comments on this blog cover a wide range of thought and experience and it has been very interesting to read. I have not been keeping up to date and have just today read the comments. Every conflict and every obstacle whether it be the vision of the Church or the unity of its leadership is tied directly to the maturity in Christ of the individuals involved. The core problem of the church today is that it no longer knows how to enter into the presence of the Lord and so our visions are tainted by our own ideas and not by the direction of God. Thus our unity is always subjective to how the man made vision appeals to the individual members of leadership.

Rick is so right in many of the things he has stated in that all the activities of church growth and visions and unity of leadership must always come second to your own individual relationship to Christ. Christ came to reveal to us the Father and to restore the fellowship that man had with God prior to Adams fall. It is when the leader of a church is able to attain this fellowship with God that the anointing and wisdom of the Holy Spirit will rest upon him to accomplish the vision of Christ “go make disciples of men” and not the visions driven by our humanistic ideals that men praise.

The word of God is plain and the choices are clear. To be a friend of the world is to be an enemy of God. To long now we have preached a gospel that neither challenges nor calls the congregation to repentance. It’s just not popular and as long as they pay their tithes we tend to look the other way and accept the lukewarm Christian walk of the majority. This problem stems from the fact that those that lead us don’t know how to enter into the presence of God themselves and are disqualified and unable to give instruction to others who are seeking a true relationship with God. So we put them to work instead of leading them into the presence of God. This is why the New Testament church developed deacons and people to do the everyday very important tasks that every church has to accomplish, but the Leadership dedicated themselves to prayer and fasting in order to hear God and be in his direct will.

Let me ask this simple question. When is the last time the Holy Spirit spoke to you verbally to your mind saying separate unto me so and so for the work they must do for me. I submit to you that this should be a regular occurrence in the church. King David after defeating the philistines did not go against them when they returned to fight again, but called on God asking should I go up against them and did not rely on his own experience and might.

I tell you the truth once you have sacrificed the time and the effort to fellowship with God and are successful just once you will never be the same. You will no longer be able to settle for a lukewarm relationship. It is this experience that allowed the New Testament Christians to face the lions and death for the cause of Christ. One will not die often for someone he does not know or love.

I will agree with the last post. Some of the comments are helpful and insightful, others are just someone ranting because they do not like “seeker” oriented churches, or they prefer “expository” teaching over “topical” teaching. I think we tend to forget that different is not wrong, just different. In most of the cases mentioned above I just see people using this blog and topic as another outlet to gripe about another churches style, many times because the church in their town whose vision follows that style is growing and prospering and their church is not. Professional jealously is not one of the things I find in I Cor. 13. I fail to see how or what their views are on those topics have to do with the why people leave their church. (O.k. I do see how they might enter into this discussion but most of the previous post have failed to make the connection.)

I believe the discussion needs to focus more on not “The Six Reasons People leave your Church” but more on the “type” of people who leave your church.

For instance there are some people who are just trouble makers. These generally unhappy people create problems where ever they go. I was at a church once where we bent over backwards to try to make these people happy, and when we finally gave up and let them go the church started to grow. When some of these people leave your church you should be so happy you provide them a limousine to take them to the next church they plan to bless with their presence.

You also have people who in your church that have preferences. They like a certain kind of music, a certain kind of teaching, a certain youth program or Sunday school curriculum. They reek havoc trying to conform the church to their image. Again these are the people who you encourage to find another church who does things “their way”. Now a mature person knows they will not find the perfect church unless they start their own, which I encourage them to do. I then pray that God will send them people just like them but with the opposite taste in music, teaching, etc.

In Romans the scripture compares the church to the body and each member and their gifts to certain body parts. Well lets be honest, some people are just plain cancer and serve no function other than to suck the life out of the body and kill it. These are the people who just need to be cut out and when they want to leave the church, you let them go.

(For those of you who do not realize it I am mixing truth with humor, some this is written “tongue in cheek”)

I think as humans, we are very selfish and self-centered.  In a way, it’s a miracle we can get along at all.  I like to think that is why Christianity is the biggest religion in the world-- hopefully with at least some “Christians” truly being regenerated by the Spirit, we can have the love of Christ to paper over the seemingly endless possibilities for annoyance with each other.

...Bernie
http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/247

someone once said that “if someone leaves a church for something, they’ll leave for anything”.  in other words, many people leave for no real spiritual reason.

in our church we try to keep the “bar high” on biblical expectations for Christ-followers:  prayer, Bible study, accountability, evangelism, and servanthood, among others. 

we are a fairly young, but growing church and we have lost a number of people who told us we were asking “too much” of them.

we also tell our folks that our church isn’t for everyone.  we want people to be at the church where God has lead them.

thanks for the discussion everyone!

So, what you’re saying is it always the preacher or the church-goer who can be blamed for the attrition. Again, Pastors, at what point is it a HEALTHY thing to leave the church? There are a whole lot of other factors than what are listed at the top of this article. Rather than lash out with such vehemence at the churchgoer, it is time to acknowledge that many people leave their church for HEALTHY reasons because of flat-out mistreatment and ugliness.

We tend to focus on one side or the other. The truth is there are bad pastors who do not know how to lead or Shepard their flock and their problems are always the fault of the people in their congregation, so pastors if you are having the same problem at every church you go to then the problem is probably not with the congregation.

On the other hand if you are a member or lay leader in the church and you keep bouncing from church to church to church because every church has something you feel they are doing wrong, and after trying unsuccessfully to change it you move to another church, then the problem is not with the church or pastor, the problem is with you.

When is it healthy to leave a church? Well from personal experience I have left three different churches in the past twenty years. Each time I stayed at the church I left the first one for until we moved to another city. The basic reason for leaving was in each instance the church I was attending was not giving me an opportunity to use the gifts and talents God had given me for ministry. I put myself out there, met with pastors, ask how they could use me, even volunteered to start ministries, etc. but to no avail. Two of the three churches I left I would call good churches and depending on your bent and style of church you prefer I might even recommend them to you, but in the end they were just not a good fit for me. After finding the new church that allowed me to use my gifts the spiritual growth for me and my family went up exponentially verses what it had been at the church we left.

Now some of you would probably put me in the selfish category, like the single mother above who left the church because it did not have a singles program or a youth group for her teenage daughter. And that is why you are also the ones complaining that people are leaving your churches. We are to serve in the body, but that also implies that there are people being served, which means that the church is also there to meet our needs. It is a two way street. If that single mother is teaching an elementary Sunday school class, helping clean the building, stuffing bulletins once a week, in the trenches serving, yet the church will not help her start a singles group or has no interest in doing things to help her teenager grow then it is obvious who is being selfish.

“We are to serve in the body, but that also implies that there are people being served, which means that the church is also there to meet our needs. It is a two way street.”
(Quote from a post by Brad)

Meeting the needs of people has been the recurring theme of all the posts I have read so far. I strongly agree that meeting needs is a two way street.

I feel frustrated also with not being allowed to use my gifts in local churches. I have left churches in the past, and my husband and I will leave the current church we attend since we are not being allowed to use our gifts and our needs are not being met either.

I am an ordained minister with graduate degrees, licenses and experience in Christian and secular counseling. My opinion is that some pastors (because of control issues) want to do everything in a local church. Thus, the church becomes a one man show which condones a passive congregation that is only allowed to serve in positions that fit into the pastor’s agenda.

So here I go again seeking a local assembly that is God-focused and people-oriented where I can fit in and serve. If any one knows of a church like that in Maryland, Northern Virginia or Washington, DC area, please feel free to e-mail me.

We left our church because of a couple of different things. 

First, I was overly committed, with a full time job and more weeknights and weekends involved in ministry work than being at home, and I felt that my family and home deserved and needed more of my attention.  We are planning to relocate so time at home has gotten the repairs and improvements completed and our house is now listed for sale. 

Second, when as an educated (M.Div.) volunteer minister working several evenings every week, sometimes on Saturdays, and nearly every Sunday, I asked about taking the next steps and progressing toward paid ministry (ordination, pulpit supply, whatever else needed to be done) I was rebuffed and felt somewhat disillusioned.  I did need to be at home more, and might have stayed on with diminished responsibilities.  I left because I got the feeling that I was seen as very useful as a volunteer (in multiple posts) but not worthy of consideration toward paid ministry despite my education and heart, and that really hurt. 

I think it hurt my wife’s feelings more than mine, and seeing her so unhappy there prompted me to wait until my terms of service were constitutionally over on the several and various teams, and then quietly make an exit.

I have told people that we are planning to move, and also that we were exploring churches closer to home (I was driving about 25 miles each way several times a week).  But I don’t want the pastor’s reputation sullied so I have left the rest unspoken (except here, somewhat more anonymously)

GOD HAS A LOT OF GRACE FOR/ON NEW BELIEVERS, JUST AS A PARENT DOES WITH A CHILD… GOD ALLOWS US TO EXPERIMENT AND LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE, HE ALLOWS US TO MESS UP AND FALL. BUT THERE COMES A POINT OF TIME IN OUR CHRISTIAN WALK, AS ALSO THERE DOES IN THE LIFE OF A CHILD (WHEN HE/SHE BECOMES A CERTAIN AGE), WHERE SOME THINGS ARE JUST NOT ACCEPTABLE ANYMORE.

IF A 6 YEAR OLD HAS STILL NOT BEEN POTTY TRAINED WE WOULD FIND THAT ODD, IF AN EIGHT YEAR OLD COULD NOT YET SPEAK WE WOULD THINK THAT STRANGE, IF A TWELVE YEAR OLD WAS STILL BREASTFEEDING OFF OF HIS MOM WE WOULD ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AS LUDICROUS. AS IT IS TRUE IN THE NATURAL SO IT IS IN THE SUPERNATURAL. BUT WE AS BELIEVER HAVE SUCH “GRACE” WITH EACH OTHER THAT WE DON’T QUESTION THINGS. WHEN A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN A BELIEVER FOR 25 YEARS STILL SINS CONTINUALLY, OR WHEN A MINISTER OF THE WORD MANIPULATES OTHERS OR GETS OFFENDED BY PEOPLE… WE EXCUSE IT. WE DON’T EVEN THINK THAT IT IS WRONG FOR A “MATURE CHRISTIAN” TO RUN FROM ONE RELATIONSHIP TO ANOTHER, ONE JOB TO ANOTHER, ONE MINISTRY TO ANOTHER, ONE CHURCH TO ANOTHER. THOSE READING THIS MAY NOT SEE ANY PROBLEM WITH RUNNING AWAY FROM PEOPLE, THINGS… BUT THOSE WHO RUN DON’T GROW.

SEE, THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE WORD OF GOD TELLS US “WITH ALL THY GETTING GET UNDERSTANDING.” SO MANY BELIEVERS ARE OUT IN THE WORLD PREACHING, TEACHING, WITNESSING…THEY READ THE WORD AND PRAY AND WORK, WORK, WORK. BUT THEY NEVER STOP TO SEAT AT THE FEET OF JESUS; THEY’RE NEVER STILL ENOUGH TO GET DIRECTION FROM GOD, AND THEY NEVER REALIZE THAT IN ALL THAT THEY’VE EXPERIENCED THEY HAVE NEVER GOTTEN UNDERSTANDING.

GOD IS LOVE AND 1 CORINTHIANS TELLS US WE CAN PLACE OUR BODIES IN THE FIRE, GIVE ALL WE HAVE TO THE NEEDY/POOR, SPEAK IN THE TONGUES OF MEN AND ANGELS, BUT IF WE HAVE NOT LOVE WE ARE NOTHING… ALL WE DO AMOUNTS TO NOTHING. WE ARE TOLD THAT OF FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE – LOVE WILL ENDURE FOREVER, LOVE IS THE MORE EXCELLENT WAY.  LOVE IS PATIENT, KIND, HUMBLE, SELFLESS, NOT EASILY ANGERED, IT ENDURES THE TESTS FOR IT IS LONGSUFFERING…

TOO MANY CHRISTIANS HAVE CHOSEN TO SERVE A GOD THEY DO NOT KNOW. THEY HAVE RESISTED TO KNOW HIM BECAUSE OF THEIR FEARS (FEAR OF ABANDONMENT, OF REJECTION, OR HURT), BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INSECURITIES (HE WON’T LIKE WHO I REALLY AM, HE WON’T LOVE ME FOREVER, HE WON’T BE THERE IN MY TIME OF NEED). THESE PEOPLE WALK AROUND EMPTY, WITH A CHIP ON THEIR SHOULDER, BECAUSE MAN CAN’T SUPPLY THEIR NEEDS.  THEY PLACE A HEAVY BURDEN ON OTHERS AND SAY THINGS LIKE “MAN DIDN’T CALL AND KEEP TRACK OF MY PROBLEMS, JOYS…SO I WITHDREW.” THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE EXPECT OF MAN WHAT IS EXCESSIVE, BECAUSE THEY NEVER RECEIVED FROM GOD.

FOR ME IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND GOD’S (UNCONDITIONAL, AGAPE) LOVE, BECAUSE I HAD NOT SEEN IT IN MY LIFE. IT WASN’T UNTIL I ALLOWED MYSELF TO EXAMINE MY EXISTENCE THAT I REALIZED I HAD KNOWN THAT KIND OF LOVE, BUT NEVER RECEIVED IT. NOT ONLY WAS GOD SHOWING ME HIS PERFECT LOVE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, BUT HE PUT OTHERS IN MY LIFE TO EXPRESS HIS LOVE FOR ME. PERSONALLY, GOD USED MY MOTHER, SISTER AND A COUPLE OF FRIENDS THROUGH MY LIFETIME TO SHOW ME SUCH LOVE. BUT I HADN’T ACCEPTED IT…I JUST NEVER REALIZED IT…I WAS AFRAID AND I NEEDED UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT GOD’S LOVE WAS SO I COULD RECEIVE IT AND APPRECIATE THOSE WHO TRULY LOVED ME.

ONLY GOD CAN SUPPLY ALL OUR NEEDS… ONLY THOSE WHOSE SEEK THE LORD FIND HIM AND HIS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE…ONLY TO THOSE WHO KNOCK ON THE DOOR OF THEIR FEARS AND REFUSE TO BE BOXED UP BY THE LIMITATIONS OF THEIR PERSONALITY, LIKES AND/OR DISLIKES, COMFORT ZONES, ETC.  WILL THE DOOR OF UNDERSTANDING BE OPENED. AND ONLY THOSE WHO ASK GOD, WITHOUT DOUBT OR WAIVER, FOR FORGIVEN, WISDOM, PEACE, LOVE, KINDNESS, COMPASSION, GROWTH… WILL EXPERIENCE THE FREEDOM GOD BRINGS.

CHRIST CAME TO GIVE US LIFE MORE ABUNDANT…MAY HE GIVE US ALL THE UNDERSTANDING TO REALIZE WHAT HE DIED TO BRING US.

SINCERELY,

SUZETTE SOTOLONGO
http://www.livebones.com