The Simply Worthless Sermon

Orginally published on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 6:00 AM
by Nathan Rice

Ever wanted to know how to ensure that the audience walks away with nothing after you preach?  Ever wanted to know without a doubt that you just wasted the last 45 minutes of their lives?  Ever looked for a flawless strategy to make your sermon worthless?  Well look no farther!  Here are 15 simple steps to guarantee that church members walk out of the church the exact same way they came in!

I’m consistently amazed at how many people don’t think there is such a thing as a worthless sermon.  Yes, I’ve read Isaiah 55:11, so don’t bother. Some are still under the impression that if you get nothing from the message, somehow the blame never falls on the speaker, but curiously always falls on YOU! Why is it that we consider the idea of a worthless sermon unthinkable? The reason is simple: because your preacher said so.

Yep, that’s right. The person who is delivering the worthless sermon tells you that if you aren’t blown away with the depth of the sermon, then you’re a bad Christian. Kinda messed up, huh?

Notwithstanding the argument over the existence of the worthless sermon, I’m going to attempt to outline just how one could go about preparing a worthless sermon. If you’re quick, you’ll catch the heavy sarcasm in these statements. If you’re slow, well, then you’ll probably send me an email telling me to have fun in hell. Either way, enjoy.

Number 1: Don’t prepare. That’s right, just go from memory. Notes are evil, and outlines just distract you from those fun little rabbit trails that everybody likes to hear so much.

Number 2: Don’t have a goal in mind for your sermon. Just pick a verse and go. I mean, how can we expect the Holy Spirit to give guidance if we have the audacity to plan for what we want the people to take away from the service?

Number 3: Forget about application. Just avoid it at all costs. However, if you must try and apply your message practically, just pull something together when you realize that you’ve used up all your time. Predetermined applications can’t be of God, so you should always make them up as you go.

Number 4: Make sure you always teach. Surgeon’s thoughts on a verse are always relevant. In fact, attempt to fit 3 hours worth of material into 1 hour. Forget about being better Christians, we just want to know more stuff.

Number 5: If you must preach on sin, always preach on the important stuff like which translations to use and what kind of music to listen to. I mean, people just don’t struggle with lying, bitterness, lust, and giving anymore. Oh, and if possible, always preach on the sins of other churches while making it clear that you know that THIS church doesn’t have a problem with that sin.

Number 6: If the message is getting dull, just start to preach louder! People love it when you use the same technique to get their attention, so just keep doing the same things.

Number 7: If the crowd gets a little quiet, just remember to mention the KJV or make fun of Pentecostals. That always gets ‘em going.

Number 8: Complain about how bad life is right now, and how good it’s going to be in heaven. The old folks love it. Who cares about the fact that the young people still have 50 years of living to do, just ignore them. They just want to take over your church anyway.

Number 9: Tell the old folks all the body parts that won’t hurt anymore when they die, watch them get excited and cry, then claim it was “the Spirit” moving in our midst. If the young people don’t seem excited, then they’re probably not spiritual anyway so don’t worry about it. They’re probably just going to go home and fornicate.

Number 10: Illustrations that made sense in the 70’s still make sense today, so keep using them. References to the Beta-Max vs. VHS battle are especially relevant and really help points stick. Oh, and be sure to disconnect yourself from reality as much as possible. Feel free to suggest that people not buy a house because debt is a sin. Who cares if they take you seriously?

Number 11: Illustrations using current events are wrong. In fact, any church that uses them must be either Pentecostal or liberal, one of the two.

Number 12: Calling your sermon “Old Fashioned” is a good thing. Do so as often as possible. It’s extremely attractive and people will drive for hours to hear it. God will take your “Old Fashioned” sermon and use it in modern day life…somehow.

Number 13: Don’t tell personal stories. Instead, tell stories the former pastor of the church told. That’s much more identifiable. The old folks love it, and the young people can just find another church if they don’t like it.

Number 14: Be sure to remind everyone how good of a message it was that they were hearing. To reinforce it, tell the people that they won’t get this kind of preaching “down the road” or anywhere else for that matter. Oh and be sure to use at least 15% of your time doing so. After all, how can the people know they’re hearing a good message unless you tell them?

Number 15: Ignore the fact that no one ever makes any decisions under your preaching. If no one ever comes to know Christ or gets convicted of sin, it sure as heck ain’t your fault.

There you go. 15 things you can do to be sure your sermon is worthless. Obviously, you don’t have to do all 15 to have a worthless sermon. You can pick and choose from this list however you’d like, but you’ll still get to the same goal. I hope everyone enjoyed it.

You can view the original article here

Nathan Rice lives in the southeastern United States and works in Information Technology.  He blogs daily on topics ranging from politics, church issues, science, and technology.  You can read more of his stuff over at nathanrice.org or by subscribing to his RSS feed.

 

 

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