Todd,

We have all heard various opinions about the “feminization” of the church and how it affects men and their lack of attendance (Read David Murrow’s book “Why Men Hate Going to Church).
Here is a new angle. This weekend at a “GodMen” conference an “ex-gay” man spoke. He has been out of the homosexual lifestyle for 15 years and he still struggles with it each and every day. So what do you think is the most important thing an “ex-gay” needs as a part of his recovery? He needs masculinity. Football. Grunting. Burping. Scratching. Masculinity. Hanging out with manly men and masculine environments. So what does an “ex-gay” get in trouble for in his church? Asking the pastor to turn up the man temperature in his church. Can we put a Harley in the lobby instead of those fake plants? Can we replace the Breck girl, limp wrested, sweetie pie version of Jesus with a manly rugged version of Jesus? Can we replace some of the lace doilies with camo? Can we take down some of the frilly banners and replace it with a deer head?

I found out this weekend, that I have a lot in common with an “ex-gay” guy. He has been persecuted for trying to turn up the man temperature in his church. So have I (Check out Monday Morning Insight archives “Ministry in the Men’s Room”).  He struggles with porn and lust each and every day. So do I.

Our church has been bulking up the masculinity in our church not by adding testosterone to the worship service, but by working to develop good, strong courageous men. This Fall we launched a Men’s Fraternity (http://www.mensfraternity.com). It has been really good as we work together to become men of courage and strength.

We create masculinity in our church by working to create masculine men.

Derek

Todd writes: What have you found recently that is interesting? What would you like to talk about or discuss?

I would like to generate some discussion on the subject of TEAMWORK, ministry leaders working as a team.

I am reading Lencioni’s The FIve Dysfunctions of a Team and it has been so helpful. As I have been going through the book, I have come across more than one insight that confirms what I am doing in my church or has convicted me of some of my/our own dysfunctions.

Are their any other resources on the logistics of working together as a team?

I read the Leadership Network’s Leading from the Second Chair. (Todd notice the LN plug!). This was a good read, but doesn’t really fit my current role.

I read Cordero’s Doing Church as a Team. Pretty fluffy...no meat there.

I am planning on reading Barna’s The Power of Team Leadership and Collins’ Good to Great. Any other resources???

THanks!

Derek

So we should continue doing what we have been doing so that we continue to get the same results? So we should ingnore the elephant in the corner?

How about if we simply tried a balance of femininity and masculinity in our churches?
Right now many churches are vanilla cakes with chocolate frosting. Instead how about a marble cake?  For each frilly banner in a church we put a great manly movie poster in the men’s bathroom. Along with each fake plant we install something masculine to balance things out. I am suggesting balance. I am not suggesting turning churches into men’s locker rooms. 

Spend time talking to women in the church who come each Sunday morning without their husbands. Ask them this question, “Sally, your husband is a mechanic, correct? If we made some changes in our church to make your husband and other men feel more welcome, would you support us?”
What do you think Sally would say? She would say, “yes”, after she wiped the tears from her eyes.

Since our Church for Men ministry started I have talked to so many women who would support and do anything to have their husbands go to church.

So we should continue doing what we have been doing so that we continue to get the same results? So we should ingnore the elephant in the corner?

Having read the book a few times and being a huge proponent of men connecting, growing, leading and being at home in the church.  Here is how I approach this in my church.

We have eliminated words as a part of our Jesus Speak.  Intimate, relationship, touch his face, etc.  We have replaced those words with a language and a tone such as , closely connected, deeply committed, dialed in.. friendship, arm in arm… These are great descriptions for anyone, male or female. 

We do not decorate our church with flowers but will use posters, banners and sometimes props.  The first table you see when you enter is the food table. 

We have women in leadership in our church so we are not a good old boys club but we made a conscious decision to build a church men would love.  We are not a church for men, we are a church for everyone with a conscious effort to build a church men love. 

This means we do more video, we laugh more than most churches, we speak positively of men and fathers, we have activities for guys, we don’t have tons of blanks to fill in on our outlines, our music is a tiny bit louder, our services are programmed tightly and last 75 minutes…

The result, our church uses about 75-90 volunteers every Sunday and of those 50+% are men.  Our church has to shorten its retreats for guys to 1 night or it shuts down the church on Sunday. 

This is not about burping and scratching in church, this is about the reality that too many men think church is for women, children and men with nothing better to do.  Too many pastors play to the feminine audience in their church because that is the audience that feeds back, that volunteers, that they relate to most.  Too many wives attend church without their husbands, too many men change their personality at the door of the church.  The answer is not found in burping and scratching nor in hyping men’s ministry/fraternity in your church.  It is found in a conscious decision to examine every element of your service and choosing to build a church that men love.

This conversation so far today reminds me of some of the discussion I’ve been having with several individuals lately. I teach a parenting class on Tuesdays. It is an all women class. The wives would LOVE for their husbands to want to attend a class like mine (with my hubby teaching also mind you) but many will not. They simply have requelinshed the “raising of the children” to the “moms”.... In the spring, God’s will either permitting or not, I’m scheduled to teach a marriage class. Same scenario. I, personally, believe the real elephant in the room is men shurking their God-given responsibilities. What we need in our churches is men teaching preschoolers, children, teens, and etc.... women teaching as well. Children today need to see what a Godly man really looks like. And honestly, he doesn’t have to burp the books of the Bible to be one.

I teach a group on Sunday mornings and thru myspace and our community of pregnant teens and/or single moms. Don’t tell me it’s just guys that deal with lust and porn every single day. It is rampant in our society as a whole. I could tell you stories that would make you think I’m talking about “manly” men but am really talking about teenaged girls.

The real elephant in the room is society in general and having turned away from God. And unfortunately, that includes just as many who do attend our churches as those who don’t or won’t. Ut oh… I think I better step down now…

Growing up in a church designed for women, my dad did not attend.  “I got too much stuff to do” was the constant response.  He was told, you need to get your act together man, you are shirking your God given responsibilities.  Didn’t help.  He had no reason to go some place that told him he was failing at a job no one was willing to teach him how to do.  He had no reason to go to a place that was so obviously wired to women, that pointed out his failures to lead, that came across as a nagging woman in his ear.  To him church was a place that did not respect his masculinity, that told him providing for his family was not enough, the one thing he thought he was good at was not good enough. 

When my dad turned 70 I asked him to come to my church that I was planting.  I promised him he would be honored as a man at this place and he could be a car loving, baseball junkie guy here.  He shows up every Sunday, serves every week and has become a part of our prayer support team.  How did this happen?  He was honored as a man, inspired by man, appreciated as a man, led by man who strives to build a church men love.  This is just my dad, but this is also the same story spelled out for dozens of men in my church. 

Not because we belch but because we lead.  Here is a quote I have been wrestling with I think applies. 

“It is a poor leader who consistently blames the follower for not following.” It is time for the church to quit beating up men for not following and start becoming better leaders of men.  Men do not follow vision but follow leaders with vision.  Our men follow because I have chosen to lead them.

My theory on the whole feminine church thing is that it is a symptom of a deeper problem.  Men are not avoiding church because it is feminine, the church is feminine because men are avoiding church. 
We are sanctified through our suffering, and Men tend to avoid suffering as much as possible these days, and thus remain far from God.  Their failure to carry their load causes women to suffer—and they are then drawn to God and to church.  A woman who walks away from her responsibilities, particularly as a parent has a much uglier stigma attached to her than the man who fails to uphold his responsibility.  I think the solution is to call the men to battle.  If they take their responsibilities seriously the cost of doing so would drive them closer to God, and back to church.
On another note, Mark Driscoll’s apology for his failure to model humility in this weekend’s sermon was pretty impressive..

Here’s a site to check out - http://www.johnjohnson.typepad.com.  John is Sr Pastor of Village Baptist Church (http://www.vbconline.org) in Portland, OR; director of the Dr of Ministry program at Western Seminary...and a seasoned ministry leader working hard at trying to figure out how to lead an established congregation in an emerging world (his words).  He does a good job, and through his blog shares his reflections on that struggle. 

Randy,

Amen, brother. I am father, husband, worker, men’s ministry leader, etc. I too feel like the guy who would juggle plates on sticks on the Ed Sullivan show.

Alone time? Ha ha ha. Ya right.

Saw that in Buffalo, NY a sermon leads to an arrest! I’d like to talk about how to deal with forced exits from ministry, dealing with conflict and overcoming bumps; and my schedule - today I’m doing my weekly to do list and going over some lessons and projects and events for 2008! How about you?>
How far in advance do you plan?

Mike, feel free for posting my thoughts on your blog.  I hope that somehow, someone will be able to find some answers...or at least some encouragement to get rid of some of the distractions.  Maybe that someone will be me!

Gman - like Peter wrote, we’ve got to “get back to the fifteen things...to accomplish in the next 12 minutes”!  How’s that for advanced planning!

As for “forced exits from ministry, dealing with conflict and overcoming bumps”, there again we need to see some counter-cultural happenings.  I’m tired of hearing people talk about giving up on institutional church - in part because withdrawing isn’t going to change anything (even if you “withdraw” to plant a new church).  We need people who will stick it out and work from within to change the church, the churches.  We need less revolt and more renewal; less retreat and more renovate.  Now THAT is a ministry I could give myself to!  But how...?!?