When People Get Under Your Skin

Orginally published on Tuesday, August 28, 2007 at 5:02 AM
by Todd Rhoades

Alan Nelson writes, "The other day my teenage son had a run-in with a kid on his tennis team. Providing counsel wasn’t as easy as dispensing normal parental advice because the antagonist and his family had a reputation for being difficult, and I remembered how many button-pushers I’ve experienced in ministry as a pastor. So here’s what I told him. Everywhere you go, all through life, you’ll find those people who, because of their attitude or temperament or philosophy, seem to get under your skin. It’s not that we’re innocent or always easy to live with ourselves, but certain individuals seem to conflict with our chemistry. The result is often combustion..."

The problem is that although their names and faces change, these people seem to follow you wherever you go, whether it’s a new neighborhood, church, company, or athletic team. The bigger issue is not how you can avoid them, but rather what you do with what happens to you when you interact with them. You can’t always run from them because you may have married into the family, or were hired by a church with them, or they got elected to the new governance board.

Recently I read an article in Scientific American Mind magazine about research on resolving bad situations (September/October 2007). In “The Power of the Pen,” Katja Gaschler writes about psychologist James W. Pennebaker’s work with a large group of people who’d been suddenly terminated from their company with no warning. The group exuded a lot of bitterness. Pennebaker’s instructions were simple. All were to write in a diary for 20 minutes a day for five days. One-third were told to write the events of the day, one-third were asked to specifically journal their feelings about losing their jobs, and the final third were given no specific instructions. The results were significant. One-fourth of the second group found new jobs after three months, but only a small percentage of the other two groups had found new employment, a sign that they were still battling their setback.

The researchers discovered that through expressive writing people could let go of the pain they felt from a difficult situation. By focusing on their deepest feelings for at least 15 minutes, not worrying about word flow, spelling, or grammar, people experienced healing.

The point for leaders is that unless we find a way to effectively handle our button-pushers, we’re apt to telegraph our negative attitudes to others, let them get the best of us, or try to run away from them. Someone said, “Hate is like taking poison and hoping someone else will die.” Angry and fearful leaders aren’t good ones.

So the next time “the jerks pull your chain,” you may want to sneak into your office, tap your feelings onto your computer, and then push “delete,” not “send.” Maybe that’s what David did in the back of the caves while keeping his distance from Saul. The result is some of the greatest psalms of all time.

By the way, my son handled the situation like the quality young man he is by calling and writing apologies to his antagonist. The sad thing is that for the rest of his life, he’ll find those people out there who push his buttons. Savvy leaders, especially godly ones, realize that we can’t just do what we want when people get under our skin. We need to model a strong and proactive approach to remaining sane, even when certain people drive us crazy.

SOURCE:  Rev! Leadership Update

QUESTION:  Who pushes your buttons?  How do you react?

Alan Nelson is the executive editor of Rev! Magazine (www.rev.org), the author of a dozen books, and has been a pastor for 20 years. You can reach him at . You can subscribe to the Rev! Weekly Leadership Update here.

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Hi... I'm Todd Rhoades. I'm a Christ-follower, husband, father and I love to connect leaders with other leaders. Hopefully you'll find something here at MMI you like and will return often. If you want, you can find out more about me or follow my every step on Twitter.

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