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When Your Wife Hates Your Preaching

Orginally published on Wednesday, September 21, 2005 at 1:57 PM
by Todd Rhoades

An interesting question is posed over at Christianet.com: Our minister’s wife attends a different church. How unusual is that? …

Read the responses here. What do you think?

This post has been viewed 725 times so far.

TRACKBACKS: (0) There are 21 Comments:

Posted by Chris

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 at 2:14 PM

Weird.

I actually knew a couple that worked their marriage out this way. She was the pastor at the local Lutheran church and he was the music director at the local Methodist church. They tried working together and it didn’t work.

I think the pastor in question is showing a horrible example of the unity of the family unit on spiritual things. Families desperately need to attend church together. But if the pastor isn’t doing it, why should the congregants?

Whether it is intentional or not, the pastor and his wife are sending a major signal about the unity of their marriage, and their vision for ministry as a couple.
Posted by Jason Fletcher

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 at 3:41 PM

Yeah, this just cannot be a good thing for the pastor or the church. It sends a really bad signal to the church and community as one would think that the wife would know him best. It sends the message that a) he has serious problems, b) she has serious problems, and/or c) their relationship has serious problems.
Posted by

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 at 8:52 PM

In reading the poster’s question and his explanation of some of the responses, additional information was provided that indicated the wife (and presumably husband as well) had attended a certain church, then the man became a pastor of a nearby one. She prefers to attend most of the time at the original church where her roots are, but she does attend many events at the church he pastors, and has a good relationship with many of his church’s congregants.

The situation would not be tolerated in certain denominational traditions, but I know denominational traditions in which it is not a problem for the congregations.

Although I don’t believe the situation is ideal, I certainly don’t believe Scripture provides sufficient information for us to say that such a situation is always contrary to God’s will, or even the spectre of personal or relational problems.

For example, consider the missionary who is separated from spouse for weeks or months at a time building congregations, helping churches get started, etc., and the two are only able to attend public worship together once or twice a year, the rest of the time attending separate services? They may or may not be wide geographical separation. I know of many in this situation. Although we realize there are difficulties they will face in such a situation, is it contrary to God’s will?
Posted by

Thursday, September 22, 2005 at 10:59 AM

I have lived through something like this. It was not so much my preaching that my wife didn’t like, but how the people who filled the pews lived their lives. They identified themselves more as “churchgoers” rather than born-again Christians.

While my wife and I were engaged, people treated her with the utmost respect. Not only because she was engaged to me, but also because she was a new member, a young member (aka someone they could boss around).

Once we were married, they started treating her like they owned her, and they owned me. Sorry, but both of our hearts belong to God. We do serve with servant’s hearts, but no man owns us.

After she tried to engage some of them in discussion of some of the issues that were killing the church, they made it clear that they didn’t want change, that they didn’t care about the liberal direction of the denomination, and that they wanted her to live in the 40’s and 50’s paradigm of the “perfect pastor’s wife.”

We have both since moved on to another church, our relationship is so much stronger, and our relationship with God continues each and every day, once we got out of that very toxic atmosphere. Thanks be to God!

Blessings!
Posted by

Thursday, September 22, 2005 at 11:55 AM

Good question. When my wife and I were first married, being a musician, I had to take positions that were offered to me so we could just live. One of the most difficult times was when I was an organist/choir director for an Episcopal church. Nothing against the Anglican church (I loved the people and worked well with the Ministers, of which I substitute on occasion and have a good relationship with many of the staff and congregation even today). My wife had difficulty adjusting to the written prayers and litrugy which lacked spontanaety. She would help me with the choir, but then attend an evangelical church closer to our religious roots. We only did this for a year, but it did cause tension and a lack of feeling “together”. I have often Pastored in churches (Music pastor) where it was uncomfortable for one of us or either of us. But we chose to come together and unite under the purpose that this was an assignment from God. That made the ministry much easier to work in, for both of us.
Posted by

Thursday, September 22, 2005 at 12:33 PM

Sounds like a house divided. The pastor should resign and find a church to serve in that his wife would want to partner with him in.
I know God uses my wife at our church in many ways. How can this pastor’s wife help pray down at the altar with the ladies of the church?
Posted by

Thursday, September 22, 2005 at 2:27 PM

Lets run this logic to it’s end:
[Sounds like a house divided. The pastor should resign and find a church to serve in that his wife would want to partner with him in.]

The end of this assumption:
A pastor whose wife is not called to the ministry is himself eliminated, by association, from the ministry because the house, in this area, is “divided”; and because it is not his wife’s calling, they will always be “divided” (in this area) and thus, disqualifying this pastor from the ministry completely. Is this True?

Not Scripturally. If it is not Scriptural, then it is a “new law” for “qualifying or dis-qualifying” a pastor (adding to Timothy in the Word of God). These things by the way are even discussed in church interviews...where churches state in no uncertain terms they expect the family (wife and kids) to attend AND serve in some capacity IN THE church.

NO WHERE in Scripture does it say the wife must serve IN the ministry with the pastor.

So where do we get this from? Could it be from our assumption that a building, title and denominiation are THE Church?

Are a building, title and denominiation THE Church?

No, I don’t believe Scripture teaches buildings, titles and names(denominiations) are THE Church. I believe Scripture teaches brothers and sisters in Christ are THE Church. This Relationship (brothers and sisters in Christ) transcends buildings, denominations and even other relationships like husband/wife, father/son, mother/daughter, etc.

These assumptions have their roots in a socialist view of relationships and service which are built on humanistic beliefs.

How do we keep ourselves from falling into such beliefs and teachings?

Perhaps we should start by asking ourselves:
Am I in this teaching, making new requirements of a believer that are not in Scripture?

If yes, then we are adding to Scripture. If no, then we are upholding a Scriptural teaching (doctrine) (chapter and verse transcending both testaments - sound doctrines do not change from the Old Testament to the New Testament).

In this case and others on this topic, if we held to these assumptions, we would be adding to Scripture the requirements of a believer (or pastor specifically). Let’s not do such things. Let’s uphold Scripture as THE Authority in our lives, not our own beliefs or teachings.
Posted by

Friday, September 23, 2005 at 7:09 AM

BeHim,

With all due respect, people that require specific things of ministers that are not in the Bible are not “adding to the Word of God”. I have a set schedule when I have to be at work, a schedule that is not in the Bible. We have a set time we worship, and that is not in the Bible. My song list from this week is not in the Bible, et cetera

But it is good solid common sense, Biblically informed, that makes me think that if you are married and you are called to a full-time ministry some place in our modern world, then your spouse better be called to it, too. Otherwise, if I were on the search committee interviewing you, I’d assume you weren’t called after all.

And people, one more thought. Stop relegating the Pastor’s wife’s duties, or any woman’s duties, to the ghetto of “women’s ministry” and “prayiing with the ladies”. A careful look at Scripture will show you that women didn’t have these ridiculously separated positions. I mean, Junia is mentioned as being among the apostles, Priscilla is a leader in the church, often mentioned before her husband (interesting that). When we tell a qualified high-capacity leader that they can lead and serve, but only in Sunday School, Nursery, cleaning the bathrooms, (all GOOD things and those are the volunteers I particularly appreciate the MOST, by the way) and gathering to talk about scrapbooking and makeup, I think THAT is hysterically unbiblical. It’s no wonder that more women don’t feel disenfranchised BY the church.

Yes, maybe I’m afraid I started another argument, but I think the church’s ridiculous treatment of women is a lot of the problem with pastor’s spouses being unfulfilled and disenfranchised.

Just my 2c
Posted by Mountaingirl

Saturday, September 24, 2005 at 3:41 AM

And don’t forget about Deborah...leader of Israel. I’m assuming Isreal didn’t just consist of scrap-booking ladies at that time. Here’s another question...if the wife is called into full-time, vocational ministry, should the husband support her, even if that means giving up his vocational ministry?

--A scrapbook hating, fulfilled pastor’s wife who happens to be a women’s ministry director...but only because God has given me a passion for it, not because it’s expected of me--
Posted by

Saturday, September 24, 2005 at 11:18 PM

[With all due respect, people that require specific things of ministers that are not in the Bible are not “adding to the Word of God”. I have a set schedule when I have to be at work, a schedule that is not in the Bible. We have a set time we worship, and that is not in the Bible. My song list from this week is not in the Bible, et cetera]

It doesn’t say in the Bible when a minister should go to the bathroom or eat either but you’re not suggesting that I believe ministers shouldn’t use the bathroom or eat without first consulting Scripture, are you?

I’m simply stating that adding to Scripture a “new qualification” for Service or Salvation is wrong. These things are of God, not man. Men (and women) are called by God not man. Men (and women) are Saved by God, not man. I’m sure you won’t debate these things. YET....

[But it is good solid common sense, Biblically informed, that makes me think that if you are married and you are called to a full-time ministry some place in our modern world, then your spouse better be called to it, too. Otherwise, if I were on the search committee interviewing you, I’d assume you weren’t called after all.]

So is it “Biblically informed common sense” that disqualifies a man called of God to Service because his wife is not called? Where is this taught in Scripture? Are you suggesting a person’s calling is based on whether or not his spouse is called to? Hmmm. Where is this taught in Scripture? Where are you “Biblically informed” that the wife “better be called to it”?

With all due respect (and I do have a respect for your opinion both here and in our private conversations) I would suggest that you are adding a new qualitifaction for calling to the ministry that is not based on Scripture but modern man’s “common sense” view of Scripture.

It is up to you on whether you hire such a person but I suggest you’re in dangerous territory when you use this new qualification to come to this conclusion: “I’d assume you weren’t called”. Now do you set yourself up as the one who determines who is called and who is not? Based on what? Your Biblically informed common sense?

I enjoyed your point about women in the ministry and not relegating them. If they are called, equip them for their calling.
Posted by

Sunday, September 25, 2005 at 7:36 AM

BeHim,

I don’t think you’re hearing me.

All I can say is that when I was interviewing for positions with different churches recently, NONE of them would’ve hired me if they felt I was called into the ministry but my wife did not support and, in a certain sense, share in that calling. I’m so glad they were careful about that. And if I was happy with the prospect of taking the job, but my wife was not, they would assume that I wasn’t called to that particular position. I may still be called to ministry (all believers are) but not to that position, if the stated or implied criteria included family unity with regard to church involvement.

When I said “biblically informed common sense” of COURSE I wasn’t saying that the Bible stated my assertion directly. That’s why I said “common sense”. But would you really want to enter into a position, knowing that your spouse didn’t support it? It’s quite another thing when he or she changes his or her mind later, but if you knew at the outset that you didn’t have support at home, would it really be wise to divide your house?

Let’s get back to the original point, if we can. If your family doesn’t attend church together, and if furthermore you are in leadership in that church, does that really strike you as a healthy family?
Posted by

Sunday, September 25, 2005 at 3:36 PM

My husband loves my preaching! Thank God!
Posted by

Monday, September 26, 2005 at 12:40 PM

Well, I think it goes back to the requirements for pastor as listed in 1 Time 3. If the wife will not attend the church her husband is pastor of, it shows that there is a problem in the home. If that is the case, then this man needs to step down from the pulpit and concentrate on his home situation.

Chris said it well on the first post - if we want families to come together to church, this sets a horrible example for the congregation.

I have in my church right now a deacon whose wife refuses to come to Sunday School because her husband is the teacher(we only have one class for adults - small church...). She refuses to sit under his teaching. It’s a rebellious spirit on her part.

After reading this article and thinking about how all this applies, I need to do some serious thinking about allowing him to remain as a deacon/teacher. It would not be a good situation becasue he’s the only one who is able to teach the class…

I know a few will wrinkle their noses at this but it all comes back down to the Scriptural direction of the qualifications for pastor, and the direction for the wife to submit to the husband. If those aren’t happening, and the situation is chronic, then that man is not qualified for the position of pastor.
Posted by Mountaingirl

Monday, September 26, 2005 at 12:57 PM

I have to disagree with this statement: “If the wife will not attend the church her husband is pastor of, it shows that there is a problem in the home.”

As a pastor’s wife and as somebody who has spent a lot of time with other pastor’s wives, I know that PW’s receive a lot of abuse (gossip, lies, unrealistic expectations, etc...) from church members. There have been many times I’ve just wanted to run away from the church. This is not a reflection of my marriage, it’s a reflection of me wanting to protect my heart and my children from any more abuse. I never have run away from the church because I want to support my husband (I can’t leave him in there alone), but I have daydreamed about it. I am also glad I have stuck with it, because there have been many good times, too. I have some wonderful friendships and I’ve found my “niche” in ministry and am excited about where God is leading us. I would’ve missed out on all of this had I decided to give up when times were rough.
Posted by

Monday, September 26, 2005 at 2:44 PM

David,

You’re assuming there is a problem in the home. There are other comments on the blog that suggest a COMPLETELY different situation:

[In reading the poster’s question and his explanation of some of the responses, additional information was provided that indicated the wife (and presumably husband as well) had attended a certain church, then the man became a pastor of a nearby one. She prefers to attend most of the time at the original church where her roots are, but she does attend many events at the church he pastors, and has a good relationship with many of his church’s congregants.]

I suggest you counsel with your deacon and again, don’t assume he is the “only qualified” teacher in your church (or if he is, have you been equipping others??? if not, then you have a high calling to do so - 2 Timothy 3 and 4).

We should test our assumptions before we “jump” to conclusions based on either incomplete data or our fallen nature willing to deceive us. War against it my friends!
Posted by

Monday, September 26, 2005 at 9:30 PM

Mountaingirl/BeHim,

You are right, I was wrong to assume there was a problem in the home. However, I do still agree with Chris stating it sets a bad example for the rest of the church. I guess I just “hyper-equated” the situation spoken of here to the situation I have. Big mistake....

Mountain girl, I can understand your position. It IS hard being in the fishbowl. If it’s the case where a church is so hard on the pastors wife that she wants to leave the church, then I believe it would be worth looking into finding a new church to minister in. No position is worth destroying your family.

As for the situation at my church, I’ve tried equipping the others, but they have either refused to try, or have tried in the past and shown they are not teachers.
Posted by

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 at 1:29 AM

David…

I can bear witness with you in this my friend: “I’ve tried equipping the others, but they have either refused to try, or have tried in the past and shown they are not teachers.”

I can truly understand this passage of Scripture:
“But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.”

I pray the “laborers” in the current harvest would take time for Sound Doctrine as this will determine the Right Deed (Doctrine/Deed).
Posted by

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 at 8:13 AM

BeHim,

Amen!!
Posted by

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 at 2:35 PM

They both need to get out of the minstry, God will still use them in this situation but their impact will not be what it should be.
Posted by

Monday, October 24, 2005 at 12:03 PM

Well I’ve heard it all now! “The minister should leave the ministry, he should change positions so his wife feels she can get on board” (paraphrased)

I pastor a church and my wife does not attend most of the services. This is for several reasons:

1. Her work schedule

2. Her Continuing Education Schedule

3. Sometimes the way I preach just doesn’t reach her the way it would from someone else. Are there any speakers you have trouble recieving from? I know there are some I have dificulty listening to!

So before we get all “Self Righteous” about what that pastor should do, the best thing for us to do is pray for him and his family. Knowing full well that God has called him and we should let God handle the situation His way. PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!

You know what else!! When I was a sinner and played music in the bars every weekend my wife didn’t go there either!!
Posted by

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Hi... I'm Todd Rhoades. I'm a Christ-follower, husband, father and I love to connect leaders with other leaders. Hopefully you'll find something here at MMI you like and will return often. If you want, you can find out more about me or follow my every step on Twitter.