Love MondayMorningInsight.com.  I’ve been visiting for quite a while now.  Thanks for the great content, and intriguing questions/issues such as this one. 

Is there a right/appropriate way for the pastor’s wife to cease attending her husband’s church?  This is a simple issue, it seems to me.  The answer is NO.  Unless this is a unique situation (i.e., not your normal, average, everyday church situation), the pastor’s wife leaving the pastor’s church and attending elsewhere (unless she is a paid full-time staff person at another church) would cripple the pastor’s/husband’s ministry.  I have heard of this happening.  Things such as this - where the pastor’s wife doesn’t attend church, or the kids don’t, or there are questions surrounding just how orderly a home the pastor keeps, or who’s in charge in the pastor’s home, or who is the spiritual or actual leader in the pastor’s home - can just about shut down a pastor’s effectiveness altogether.

Some may react negatively to this, but this is the reality in most of the church experiences I’ve been in, whether as a member, a helper, and certainly even now as a pastor.  The pastor is held to a high standard - yes.  But shouldn’t he be?  (or she!).  If his family is scattered around, not attending church, not supporting his ministry, the reality is that too many questions arise.  That’s just the way it is, folks.

Gavin

Essentially, I agree with Gavin and Snoop; her attending elsewhere will simply send the wrong message, which is “don’t do as I do; do as I say (attend church as a family)”. Even though the husband is ok with it, the perception will be troublesome.

The only exception might be in the early days of a church planting where the embryonic church is not yet viable enough to be the source of fellowship for the children.

this is the one reason that I am glad that I am not presently married.  the past four and a half years has been a rather hellish experience for me in my former church, i finally resigned, and am now trying to find a job, but i am greatly relieved that I did not have to drag a spouse (and kids) through that… I can only imagine the bitterness and hurt that it would have caused for them to see me treated the way that i was (not by the body, mind you, but by the senior pastor). 

i read the article, and it would appear that the person in question is not just the wife, but is also on staff at this church… ahhh the plot thickens.

I still vote that they all need to leave

I think that she should look about ministering elsewhere.  Yes, this could cause problems.  But if her ministry is being overlooked and suffering at that church, maybe here talents could be better used elsewhere.  And an unhappy minister and pastor’s wife can cause as many problems as one who ministers in another church.

I think I would agree with the sentiment of the whole family leaving.

There are enough pressures in ministry without having family discontent in there as well.

I think the husband should be protecting the wife as fiercely as a tiger, even if it means leaving a fruitful ministry.  I told our church when they were interviewing me that will defend my wife to the death and will not allow the church to place unrealistic expectations on her or allow her to be maligned or gossiped about.

I obviously don’t know all of the situation described in the article, but my first impression is to go where they are BOTH loved and appreciated, for the sake of the overall health of the family.

Brian

There is a lot of information that is not provided here such as on issue of what support does she gets from her husband? Is the church generally opposed to women in minsitry or just her? What ministry is she trying to do?  Is this a new or long standing situation in the church? How long have they been in the church? Are there children involved?

Just on what we have, I would say leaving the church and worshipping else where is going to be an issue, but it may well be the wake up call the church or maybe her husband needs. As for up and leaving the church that is easier said than done. For one thing I am not aware of over abundance of churches open right now. Right now in my denomination there are very few places to serve looking for pastoral staff. Sure he can get another job in the secular arena, but that again is easier said than accomplished. Another issue might be where she goes to worship or work. If she gets a position at another church to serve, well then the issue is not as great. She has then been called to this church and if someone objects she and her husband can point to her calling.

This would be interesting to follow.

It probably would not be in the best interest of this church or her husband’s ministry, but this article doesn’t really address why she wants to leave. 

Does she feel called to pastor a congregation and her husband’s denomination not allow for this?

In case my own Pastor reads this let me say that my wife is NOT thinking about leaving our church.  But, she is sometimes frustrated by the idea that our church demonination does not allow women pastoral roles.  Yes, there are roles in which she can serve and she enjoys the roles she serves in now in the children’s ministry and “hospitality” service (she makes the coffee and snacks), but she is sometimes frustrated with what she sees as the principle of veiwing women as not suitable for pastoring a congregation.

So, I think it would partly depend on her reasons for wanting to leave.  In any case it is a decision that would require considerable thought and prayer, not something to be done rashly.

I am not sure that she does not want to be a part of this particular church. I have moved to a denomination that is more open to women pastoral roles in part because my oldest daughter is very gifted and I would hope that her gift of teaching could be used more fully than serving coffee cake and working the welcome booth.  She is still young, but I would like her to think about her giftedness. It is the rare church that empowers both women and men to use thier God-given gifts in all areas of ministry. I aware this is a very sensitive subject for many ministers.

Oooh goody, let’s make this a debate about women in leadership!!!  Oh wait… no.  Let’s not.
I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules about going to the same church, but it does seem like it would be better for families to attend the same church.  Otherwise that begs the question, “why”?  Why aren’t they together?  There could be some legitimate reason, but it could also be an instance of viewing church as another consumer commodity.  In which case it would be healthy to remind oneself that the Body needs to be unified.  Based on the above post, there is clearly a source of tension which needs to be addressed, and IT, I think, is the primary problem.  Methinks that if it were addressed, the ‘different church’ question wouldn’t need to be addressed.
My two cents.
-Daniel-

Wendi,

WOW! Very humble attitude! I’m sorry that your experience would’ve been so different if you weren’t a woman. You are so right when you say that “Perhaps it shouldn’t be so, but perceptions do matter.” No, it shouldn’t be so… but they do… And they matter more when you’re in a visible ministry than in “normal” life, I’ve found.

Boy Jack – that doesn’t sound like the kind of marriage where the husband loves his wife as Christ loved the church, willing to die (or leave his church) for her.  Not that he must do so (we simply don’t know enough about this situation), but I think the bible gives us an image where BOTH partners place the other’s interests and needs ahead of their own.  The command for the husband is sacrificial (to the point of death). We don’t know any details here, but there’s clearly some stuff going on that seems to call for both partners to look into the other’s eyes and say “what do you need from me here?” Willing to make significant sacrifice for the other.  The marriage (for both of them) should come before their ministry.  If the only way for the marriage to survive would be for him to leave his pastorate, then I think scripture is clear that he must leave.

In my opinion, you make it sound far too simple, when relationship issues are never simple.

Wendi

Jack,

I assume you agree that if she cannot receive his “guidance” because they are in crisis, she or he or both need help (emotional, psychological, etc.), that he should step away from his ministry for the sake of his wife and their marriage.  This appears to me to be a crisis situation.  Who knows, maybe he’s having an adulterous affair with his ministry (not all that uncommon), which would (IMO) invalidate his “guidance.”

Wendi

A Christian counselor friend once told me that when counseling clergy couples (his primary work) that he tells pastors they can either be a pastor or a husband to their wife, but not both (any more than he as a counselor can try to analyze and diagnose his wife).  Perhaps this is part of the problem that triggered the question in this thread.

Wendi