Saving a Fundamentalist Baptist from Certain Death (or not)

Someone shared this joke in our comments section last week. I found it to be one of the funniest things I've read for a long time. (Probably because I grew up thinking like this somewhat). If you're any of the things in the list found in this joke below, please don't take it too seriously...

I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this fellow who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought Id try to stall him until the authorities showed up. Dont jump! I said. Why not? he said. Nobody loves me.

God loves you, I said. You believe in God, dont you?

Yes, I believe in God, he said.

Good, I said. Are you Christian or Jewish?

Christian, he said.

Me, too! I said. Protestant or Catholic?

Neither, he said.

What then? I said.

Baptist, he said.

Me, too! I said. Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?

Independent Baptist, he said.

Me, too! I said. New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?

“Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Armenian Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist” he said.

“Auugghh!!! You heretic!” I said. And I pushed him over.

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This post has been viewed 1500 times and was added on July 21, 2006 by Todd Rhoades.
Filed under: Miscellaneous  Church Leadership Humor  
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I'm Todd Rhoades... the MMI guy. I'm also on the team at Leadership Network (although that doesn't mean that they endorse everything I write here). In my past life, I was the founder and developer of a website named ChurchStaffing.com.

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