Top Things I Hope NOT to Find Under My Tree in the Morning…

Orginally published on Monday, December 24, 2007 at 10:45 AM
by Todd Rhoades

Merry Christmas! The weather and a busy schedule have caused me not to be able to send the MMI email for a few weeks, so I hope today finds you well and ready for a great celebration of Christ's birth tomorrow. Here are some things that I hope I DON'T find under my tree in the morning... Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they're probably the perfect gift for someone on your list... just not me...

Iwjo_2 The IWJO (I Watch Joel Osteen) Lapel Pin

Again, this is for real… "Show your support for Pastor Joel and spread the message of his ministry by wearing this beautiful pin. As non-believers ask their co-workers, friends and neighbors about the I W J O logo, it will give them the opportunity to learn about and receive Christ as their Savior through Pastor Joel’s Ministry at Lakewood Church. (Excuse me… but I find it hard to find much of the salvation message many times when listening to Joel himself… This, to me, is really just a cheap knock-off of the Jerry Fawell "Jesus First" pin that I used to own… I think I’ll pass on this one… please don’t buy this for me this holiday season).  Price:  $4.95 + shipping/handling.  (Car decals are also available.)  You can order here.

1The Best of the Hagee’s

"The songs found on this recording will speak to your heart in a way that will inspire you to action for the cause of Christ. This praise and worship recording, filled with the Holy Spirit, will inspire you."  (Sorry, it’s just not my type of music.  I did order one for some good friends on my list though! available here.


jonahJonah and the Great Fish w/removable plush Jonah

Little ones will giggle with delight at the unexpected sight of this great big wonderful plush fish. And when they pull Jonah out of the fish’s belly no worse for wear, the most wonderful of Old Testament stories will come to life. This fish’s mouth opens up wide for access to a 15” deep belly pocket that holds not only Jonah himself but other favorite toys. Press the embroidered heart on the fish’s flipper to hear a child’s voice recite the words of Jonah 1:17. Made from the softest imaginable polyester with equally soft lining, and wonderfully huggable. Available here.


Smokinjesus "Jesus Hates it When You Smoke" Ashtray

Jesus, the Prince of Peace gazes balefully upwards at your approaching cigarette… How does that make you feel? ‘JESUS HATES IT WHEN YOU SMOKE’ reads the print inside this provocative, righteous ashtray.  Sticker on bottom reads: "use of this product may be hazardous to your health and/or eternal soul".  (This’d be a great soul-winning tool for those ‘turn or burn’ sign holders).  They’re a steal at just $12.00, available here.


sandals"Follow the Son" John 8:12 Sandals-Men’s

Fashionable footwear with EVA sole, plush utrasuede straps, and insole with die cut outsole that leaves behind "FOLLOW JESUS" in the sand or on the pool deck. When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life." (John 8:12) These puppies are available in either tan OR black; and in cases of 12 pairs at a time. Available here.


rockRock Music vs. The God of the Bible

An extensive examination of rock music and its evil influence on society. Chapters include "My Experience with Rock Music" (the author’s testimony), "The Roots of Rock" (focusing on the blues, jazz, black spirituals, and Southern Gospel) [NO NO NO… not SOUTHERN GOSPEL!!!], "Rock and Rebellion," "Rock Music and Insanity," "Rock Musicians as Mediums," "Rock Music and Pagan Religion," "Death Metal Rock Music," "How to Raise a Rock and Roll Rebel." 480 pages, $19.95.  Available here—hurry there’s a limited supply left!

Here are some honorable mentions. Please don’t get these for me either:

The Jerry Falwell Living Christmas Tree LP

The Eyes of Tammy Faye Poster

Jesus Christ Christmas Color Light Set

Talking Jesus Doll

Santa Worshiping Baby Jesus Figurine

The Gay and Lesbian Study Bible

"Top Dog" w/Chuck Norris DVD

John MacArthur’s "Satan’s Strategy for Stealing the Church" Cassette tape

Team Jesus (Large Blanket/Throw)

Jimmy Swaggart Autographed 8x10, signed ‘to Bob’

The Living New Testament on Cassette (read by TBN’s Jan Crouch)

OK… there’s my list of things I hope I don’t find. What’s yours?

Have a great Christmas!

Todd A. Rhoades

This post has been viewed 2073 times so far.

  There are 33 Comments:

  • Posted by Camey

    Interesting list there, Todd.

    My list? Nah… I’ll pass. Too personal… lol

    Merry Christmas to you/yours and to all who read MMI.

  • Posted by Peter Hamm

    I think I might want one of these, though…


  • Posted by Ken Silva

    Joel’s salvation message apparently extends to even to non-Christian cults as long as they say: I’m a believer in Christ. Which Christ it may be appears to be irrelevant for Osteen:

    [url="http://www.apprising.org/archives/2007/12/joel_osteen_mit.html" ]Joel Osteen: Mitt Romney and Mormons are Christians

  • LOVE IT!

    I actually WANT a talking Jesus doll.

  • Posted by bishopdave

    I actually got the “Jesus Hates It When You Smoke” for a chain smoking niece a couple of years ago. I drew her name in the annual lottery. It was a big hit.

  • Posted by

    1.  Being I love fruit cake - home made - not the twinkey version, store bought fruit cake
    2. Just for grins - a black and white copy of a “wonderful life”
    3.  Not under the tree, but in the hearts of man - the real meaning of Jeus’ Birth and His salvation

    May the Lord bless all who rread, and have a blessed and peaceful Christmas
    And don’t forget to pray for all in combat - served 22 years and appreciate prayers, so maybe a furtherance of the declaration of war should not be under the Christmas tree

  • Posted by Peter Hamm

    Ken, thanks for the link. It was a humor post, however, and I think Todd’s quick assessment above of Joel and his preaching basically agrees with much of what you have said about him.

    Merry Christmas!

  • Posted by Brian


    ANY Chuck Norris movie is worth getting, aren’t they?

    Also, does the Jonah have an available “stomach slime” accessory package?

  • Posted by Camey

    That was on the 24th…

    What would your list look like today? lol

  • Posted by Tyler

    I’m really glad that I didn’t get a Osteen pin. I would have put that thing on ebay so fast. Well actually I might have had a friend sell it just so it wouldn’t show up on my ebay selling record. haha.

  • Posted by Retha W Emerson

    Hey! Thanks for a nice post, I like your style:D I’ve bookmarked this page, so if others are interested here is the location of bookmark http://www.propeller.com/submit/checkstory

  • Posted by Jim

    This is too funny.  Download your music for free, and you won’t need music under your tree...hehe


  • Posted by finra assesment

    Lol..Seriously good post. It had me cracked up for some time..!

  • Posted by Jack

    Sorry for a dumb question, but I really can’t get, what DON is?…

  • Posted by Jack

    Sorry for a dumb question, but I really can’t get, what GOSPEL is?…

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  • Posted by vdo instrumente

    under my tree i wanna have never any war on the world.

  • Posted by taschenlampe

    Hey, Interesting list there. Many Thanks!

  • awesome article, thanks for sharing but how would your list look like today ?

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